A summer guide to avoiding the moon’s pimp
By Steve Lowery

ILLUSTRATION by COURTNEY OQUIST

Since time began—sometime after the second Die Hard movie—man has lived in mortal fear of the sun, matched only by his bloodlust to destroy it. The sun has always been an agent of destruction, burning our retinas, skin and dashboards. Stronger than ArmorAll, more conniving than 409, the sun brings with it sunburns, cancer, droughts, glare, glare-related squinting and squint-related crow’s feet. Why is this allowed to go on? Because of a rabid group of crazies who have convinced us that the sun is somehow “necessary.” That if the sun were somehow to burn up and go away, we’d all be the worst for it. (It’s the same crap you hear from oxygen sycophants—“ . . . because you need it to live.” “To live? Aren’t we getting a bit dramatic?” “No, we’re not.” “Please, I’ve held my breath.”) And now that summer is here, this solar mafia has kicked it into full gear. Look no further than this publication, which encourages you to get out and enjoy “fun in the sun.” “Fun” in the “sun”? Uh, OK, if by “fun” you mean “something not very fun at all.” The sun is bad—evil, really—and is incapable of providing fun or a commitment. Which is why I am now going to show you how to enjoy a summer’s day without it. What need do we have of the sun? We’ll eat well, exercise, even tan, without ever going outside. Because outside is where the sun lies waiting for us, just like it did for JFK. Am I suggesting that the Zapruder film, while inconclusive about who shot Kennedy, clearly proves the President was squinting in a convertible when he was murdered, and therefore the sun is responsible for his death? Yes. Have a great, sun-free summer!

Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner
I dunno, somewhere. There’s a bunch of restaurants that offer indoor eating areas, so I would begin there, being careful to avoid restaurants that have patio dining, windows and skylights. A good rule of thumb is to find a place that’s dark and then go in there. Here’s what you should not do: be lulled into a false sense of security by nightfall and eat on a patio. Though the sun is out of sight, in the evening it is still serviced by its whore, the moon. Whore. Yes, the sun is bouncing stuff off the moon all the time while you’re eating. What it is bouncing off the moon you don’t want to know. Suffice it to say, if the sun and moon have stayed in a hotel room you are now occupying, you get out of that hotel room. Gross!

Tanning
Everybody wants to tan these days. They think the brown hue somehow makes them look healthy and vibrant. Really? I suppose the next big fad is to go out with the rosy glow of rickets about you. But I do realize that people desire sex, and being tanned is seen as being key to that enterprise. But not everyone is rich enough or vain enough to indulge in the array of cosmetic surgery that zaps, sucks, or pins back wrinkles, nor does anyone want to go through the pain of battling cancer, so why go through any of this if there is no need to go in the sun anymore? And there isn’t, thanks to places like California Summer Tanning Salon, which offers a sun-less tanning method called “air brush.” The client stands in front of a professional tanner—indoors—while that person paints them bronze with an airbrush gun. Frequent users prefer this to other sun-less methods because there are no streaks. Whereas spray tanning machines coat you with a few generic sprays up and down, the air brush allows the applier to manually tan the areas where the natural sun may have tanned the client more. It will take about 10 to 15 minutes of your time, but will last around one week . . . oh yeah, and you can’t shower for at least eight hours afterward. And you will smell. 5580 E SECOND STREET #101 | LONG BEACH 90803 | 562.433.7472

Sun Fun Fact!
Did you know that the sun is anti-semitic? It’s true. The sun, by all accounts, was present at the crucifixion of Jesus yet did nothing to stop it. Still, it has been happy to stand by and watch the Jews take the blame all these many centuries. Also, big Mel Gibson fan.

Belmont Plaza Pool
So, you think if you’re going to swim at the ocean you have to go outdoors, don’t you? Wrong! Head over to the Belmont Plaza Pool, where they have two ginormous pools—a million gallons!—a high dive and public swim time that allows you to swim to your heart’s content while gazing through the large windows at the sienna-tinged ocean just a few feet away. It’s a win-win: not only won’t you get hit by the sun, you’ll avoid melting. 4000 OLYMPIC PLAZA | LONG BEACH 90803 | 562.570.1805

Alex’s Bar
There are a lot of places you can go to have a drink and avoid the sun. “Dark” and “bar” pretty much go hand-in-hand (alcoholics have always been very solar-aware) so we could send you to Max’s Steiner or the Reno Room or Joe Jost’s, but we’re going to recommend Alex’s Bar on Anaheim because we like Alex, the owner, we love Lulu, the weekday bartender and because it is a cool place to chill out the afternoon. And we mean that. Its concrete floor, dark interior make for a comfortable afternoon listening to music, talking poker with Lulu—who, if you didn’t know, you should not mess with—or checking out the bands that play in the evening, especially Phil Shane. Plus, on Sundays, they fire up the grill and offer free barbecue. That’s right, Freeloadin’ McLeech, FREE BARBECUE. They actually cook the food outside, in the day, IN THE SUN, but hey, that’s their funeral. 2913 E ANAHEIM ST | LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.434.8292

Tags: Special Issues, To Do