KEN “SKINDOG” COLLINS by EDWIN MORALES/BILLABONG XXL

By Rebecca Schoenkopf

I was not on the list for Billabong’s Big Wave Monster Energy Drink Something Something Contest, seeing as how I hadn’t asked to be because I’m not particularly employed anymore (shockingly, blogging for The District is somewhat less than a full-time gig!), but Arrissia was, because she’s at Riviera now, and I had nothing else to do so I went with her and I hope she’s glad I did. She would have been miserable there by herself in a crowd of thousands, but together we had fun and got drunk (although $6 Heinekens are nowhere in my vaguely unemployed budget) and I knocked into a natty, small, well-put-together man and my beer went all over his brand new shoes and right down the front of my brand-new top, but he was very kind and handed me a handkerchief (!) before mentioning his brand new shoes and then taking credit for the bump even though I’m pretty sure it was my fault because I’d turned to tell Arrissia something about Billy Ocean.

“You just dumped beer on his brand-new $500 shoes!” Arrissia said after we and Bob parted ways.

“Well he just dumped beer down my brand-new $20 top,” I replied. “And I’m unemployed!”

“That’s true,” said Arrissia. “See? That makes it even.”

Then we saw Wing Lam and Conley and Nancy Smith and Kip and Summer Dabbs, so I won the who-knows-the-most-people thang (which I’m always playing in my head even when I’m not actually with anyone else) even though Arrissia used to work in the surf industry as a writer at Wahine but that was years ago, and everybody was ridiculously hot even though I don’t go out with surfers because their priorities are wack–like Scarlett Johanssen could be all naked and they’d keep playing video games. “Why are they so fucking hot?” I kept asking Arrissia. “Because they’re tan,” she said. “That’s all.”

“Listen, I get tan for a tan person,” I said (I’m a Jew). “It doesn’t make everyone want to fuck me.” Then a bunch of people turned around so apparently I wasn’t using my indoor voice. And a while later we went home, long before Ken “Skindog” Collins won the Billabong Big Wave Surfing Thingie, but when I woke up this morning, a press release and this photo (this photo that doesn’t seem to want to insert itself into this post!) were in my email. Even though I’m not really any longer employed.

Tags: Last Night at . . .