WED. OCT. 31: PAUL TIBBETS AND THE ENOLA GAY

Tues | Oct 30 Orange County Sheriff Mike Carona is indicted on federal corruption charges that could land him in prison for 105 years. That’s a long time for anyone, let alone someone known as “America’s Sheriff.” I mean, I don’t know a lot about prison—my friend Jeff did get thrown in Disneyland jail for spitting off the Sky Bucket ride; it changed him, made him harder, more pimply—but I’m assuming being “America’s Sheriff” in prison would make 105 years seem like a long time especially since you’d have to spend it all with your back pressed against the wall.

Wed | Oct 31 It’s Halloween and just to get in the spooky swing of things, I’m predicting that Paul Tibbets, captain of the Enola Gay, which dropped the first atom bomb on Hiroshima, will die tomorrow at the age of 92 in Columbus, Ohio. Actually, I’m putting this here because the lead story in our print edition today is all about urban myths and Tibbets was the subject of many ranging from him eating babies to committing suicide years ago after being driven mad from A-bomb guilt. Neither was true. Still, Tibbets remained a polarizing figure until his death. His statement that he slept very well after Hiroshima impressed some as the quiet confidence of a hero who’d helped save the lives of a million Allied soliders who would have had to invade Japan, but seemed a cold and flip statement to those who viewed Tibbets as the deliverer of the nuclear age. It continued right until his death. While CBS’s Bob Schieffer noted that Tibbets’ death was buried in most newspapers—a “sober reminder,” he said, “that the war we can still remember is getting to be a long time ago”—Tibbets requested he be cremated so that anti-war anti-nuke types would not get the opportunity to desecrate his grave.

Thurs | Nov 1 Saints preserve us.

Fri | Nov 2 Mike Carona has been in and out of court and seems every time he’s mentioned these days someone brings up the whole “America’s Sheriff” thing to show how far he’s fallen. It’s a hack thing to do and I regret doing it a few paragraphs before but you can’t change the past. See, the “America’s Sheriff” thing is pointless because the phrase was coined by Larry King, who, on a near daily basis, is proving himself to be quite mad. Tonight, he has Jerry Seinfeld on his show and asks Seinfeld if his show was canceled. Incredulous, and quite hilariously, Seinfeld goes on a prolonged rant in which he wonders if King even knows “who I am” and requests that someone get his resume. This is the same Larry King who once asked George Harrison where he was when John Lennon was shot. The only problem being that the person he was addressing as George Harrison was in fact Ringo Starr. George Harrison had been dead for some time.

Sat | Nov 3 Local tourism officials announce that Long Beach hotels are operating at near capacity. In fact, they say that they could welcome even more guests if they weren’t “constrained” by their size. We here at The District have been pushing for multiple ways to attract more tourists, ranging from improving our beaches by removing the breakwater, to improving our beaches by removing dudes who refuse to wax their back hair. So now we say, “Tourists go home!” Yes, this plague upon our local roads, eateries and kayak shops clearly poses a threat to local adulterers who now have no place to go when they’re in the mood for a little somethin’-somethin’. Which reminds me, how you doin?

Sun | Nov 4 Lakers star Kobe Bryant, who spent the off-season demanding a trade from the team because he said it wasn’t constructed to win and couldn’t compete with the top teams in the NBA, has seen the absolute worst thing happen: the Lakers are winning now by beating the top teams in the NBA. The team defeated Western Conference finalist Utah 119-109 Sunday, a victory that came just two days after a resounding 119-98 victory over NBA title favorite Phoenix—in Phoenix. Bryant has complained about a lack of support but has received plenty so far—he wasn’t even the leading scorer against Phoenix, his 16 was second to Vladimir Radmoanovic’s 19. Whether this actually means anything is questionable since it’s still very early in the worm hole that is the NBA regular season. Then again, the Lakers are a young team and sometimes young teams come together all at once—witness the success last season of Golden State, Utah and Cleveland. Either way, the early wins have put Bryant in a very uncomfortable position. If the Lakers keep on winning, it will strip him of the “I just want to win” high road he’s been traveling in his dispute with Laker management. If the team starts to lose, and Bryant isn’t putting up fantastic numbers, people will claim he’s tanking it. It’s a strange brew. After Friday’s victory over Phoenix, ESPN’s Ric Bucher asked Bryant if he would still want to be traded if the Lakers turned out to be a good team. You could see the flush of victory drain from Bryant’s face as he suddenly realized his predicament. He babbled something incoherent about playing hard and team and perhaps “America’s Sheriff” and skulked off. Poor Kobe, guy just can’t catch a break.

Mon | Nov 5 Somethin’.

Tags: Enola Gay, jerry seinfeld, kobe bryant, Lakers, Larry King, Mike Carona, oc sheriff, paul tibbets