Open Season

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL

Thank you to the carload of jackholes who ruined what would have otherwise been a great drunken stumble home from our monthly sojourn to Release the Bats when you decided to open fire upon us with BB guns. What type of A-hole do you need to be that you come out of your pot-induced stupor and think, “Hey! Let’s go and shoot at random people on the street!”? Forget that there are usually cops riding up and down the avenue; forget that the week before there was a homicide just a block away from WHERE YOU SHOT AT US. Yesh! Let’s . . . just go out and shoot us some peoples! Maybe you were doing a dry run—a practice for when you can go out and do a drive-by with real bullets. Or maybe this was just your way of saying, “Hey! We ain’t real men until we go and scare some people!” I would love the chance to take a BB gun to your balls; maybe the sting would put hair on your chest and make you grow up. Oh, and by the way . . . ya’ll can’t shoot for anything! Which prolly also means you suck at video games!