Fecal Manner

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL

Well, hello. If you simply cannot take the few steps to your own trash can and you must use mine for the occasional bag of dog waste and cans of botulism-infested vegetables, at least take them to the ones closest to the driveway. The occasional bag of feces won’t make much difference when mingled with the scent of dirty diapers and cat litter; furthermore, this way, your items won’t sit in the can ossifying and putrefying—those last two cans in the row of six are dragged weekly into the alley—by me, of course. Sure, I may be anal about my space and my trash cans, but they’re my trash cans and it’s my anus. As for what comes out of your dog’s anus, please be a decent neighbor and use either your cans or the ones in front. Any questions? You know who I am.

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