Anonymous confessions of a bartender
As told to Kevin Ferguson

“During my day shift I 86′ed a woman for fighting with her ex-boyfriend and generally acting all-out crazy. In the amount of time it took for her to run to her car and retrieve a large butcher knife, she was back inside my bar walking past customers with genuine purpose in her eyes. I leapt over the bar and tackled her as the knife skittered along the floor. As I yelled for someone to call the police, one drunken customer who was within stabbing distance of the crazy bitch asked me if I wasn’t overreacting a bit. ‘Overreacting? She had a fucking butcher knife!’ I yelled at him. The drunk then bent down to retrieve the knife, and looking at it, said, ‘Shit. I thought it was a barbeque lighter.’ I ended up booting two people that day: a knife-wielding lunatic and a pie-eyed bar fly.”

HEY, BARTENDER—SPILL IT! SEND US YOUR STORIES (ANONYMITY GUARANTEED) TO SUBMISSIONS [at] THEDISTRICTWEEKLY [dot] COM. PLEASE PUT “BEHIND BARS” IN THE SUBJECT LINE.