Shop till you drop

ILLUSTRATION by JOE MCGARRY

Recent news reports have suggested that Al Qaeda operatives are planning to attack Southern California shopping malls during the Christmas rush. This news is—to coin a phrase—terrifying, since bomb-/gun-/pointy-stick-toting terrorists would mean additional competition for mall parking spaces . . . HEY! I WAS WAITING FOR THAT SPOT, DINGUS! But terrorists have worse intentions—specifically, to kill us—thereby threatening our ability to purchase cable knit cowl neck sweaters (available in Espresso, Heather Charcoal and Taylor Ivory; $78, Nordstrom).

There are those, I suppose, who’d say you could avoid any danger by doing all of your shopping online, but that’s the kind of defeatist talk that lost the Panama Canal. Look, only hard-up teenage boys and 40-ish men posing as hard-up teenage boys use the Internet. No, any true American will head to the mall this Christmas season because we are a determined people. We may not sign up to serve in Iraq or Afghanistan, we may not conserve any of the precious resources that have put us in our present precarious international situation, but when faced with a crisis that threatens our very way of life, Americans are unwavering in doing whatever it was we would have been doing anyways. You wanna know how I spell “American?” I spell it with a Brother PT-1400 Label Maker with text rotation for easy cable marking and patch panel labeling ($99.99, Staples).

And, anyway, if there is any place where Americans are used to dealing with hardship it’s at the mall during Christmas. I mean, terrorists may be bloodthirsty and deranged but can they really be any worse than the Vapor Brigade at Abercrombie and Fitch, especially when you’re trying to get one of them to open up a dressing room to try on a pair of Baxter low rise slim boot cut jeans with destroyed finish ($79.50-$89.50)?

Now, does this mean we’re all doomed? Of course, not—though I can’t think of a more appropriate location to depart for the hereafter than Bed, Bath and Beyond. No, there are things you can do to make sure you aren’t helpless or unprepared while shopping. Here are some likely scenarios and how you can prepare for them.

HOSTAGE SITUATION
One thing we know about terrorists is that when it comes to taking hostages they like sleepovers; lots of them. Their hostage situations tend to go on for days and days and could land you holed up in some dank corner of the mall, i.e. Hot Topic. Under such circumstances, you’re going to want to be dressed in something breathable but also something that will provide a bit of warmth for those long nights when you’re being deprived of sleep. I’d suggest a Luxe Long Cashmere Cardigan (available in Eco White; $298, Banana Republic). It wouldn’t be a bad idea to pack an iPod Nano ($199, Apple Store) to watch old episodes of The Office between brutal interrogations. Also, a Walther .40 caliber pistol ($549.90, Turners Outdoorsman). The three-inch barrel makes it easy to conceal and gives you a favorable kill rate while its blue-black finish will go lovely with your sweater.

DIRTY BOMB
If you’re like me, you cross-index your undergarments. Also, you thought a “dirty bomb” was one of those exploding paint bombs that banks put in money bags. But, I am told, a dirty bomb actually refers to a bomb that spews radiation. So, clearly, you’re going to want a structured coat. I’d suggest a pre-shop shopping trip to Burlington Coat Factory or to Pacific Northwest X-Ray Inc., where you can pick up a Techno-Aide Max Guard Wrap Around Full Protection Lead Apron ($251.99) that comes in a variety of colors and patterns (sapphire, fuchsia, fun flowers) and with free embroidery. And, you know, just in case the terrorists hold the same misconceptions we did about the nature of “dirty,” it’s never a bad idea to pack a Clorox Bleach Pen ($3.49, Walgreens).

IED
This stands for Improvised Explosive Device. These are nasty little suckers that spew nails, metal and any and all manner of shrapnel. Finally, an excuse to wear that full length trench coat—damn you, Southern California sun! It’s also a great excuse to break out the Coyote brand IIIA Military Body Armor ($1,299) that’s been gathering dust along with your Ballistic Shin Guard leg armor ($899), both of which you purchased at Security Pro USA. As you can see, this is valuable stuff—too valuable, our government believes, to give to a lot of our troops.

Now, these aren’t the only situations that are likely to come up. There are car bombs, poisoned water sources, armed attacks and suicide bombers. For these, I suggest a light jacket and a throat lozenge.

And have all your personal affairs in order.

Happy Holidays!

Tags: black friday, consumerism, dirty bomb, Long Beach, malls, shopping, terrorism