A District guide to mothers and Mother’s Day

PHOTO by ALICE RUTHERFORD

It’s not that we at The District don’t love brunch. Brunch is a holy time of air-kissing and lazing and drunkenness before noon, or a chance to coffee-off last night’s Silver Fox.

But not on Mother’s Day. For God’s sake, you’ve got 50 other Sundays a year [1] to tie on the brunch bag without your thousand-year-old mother, who is a thousand, having to stand—stand!—in a crowded lobby, buffeted by surly A-Types and laying down a couple of bills for the privilege of consuming cooling pancakes, weak coffee and shellfish cocktails that will, within eight to 72 hours, drive from your gastrointestinal system all life forms, all of this (the bad food, anemic beverages and salmonella) borne to your crowded table by servers and serverettes dealing with their own headaches [2], men and women who would cut you given five-eighths of a chance [3].

So let’s try for something a little more thoughtful, something to show the woman who bore you how deep is your love.

OLD MOM Your mom is old. Really old. Frankly, your mom doesn’t know where she is, or who you are, or what you’ve done with her son, whom she mistakes for her brother anyhow. Your mom would like to go for a drive. She would like to go far from the godforsaken rest home in which you’ve dumped her, and where she’s sure the nurses are trying to kill her and are stealing her teeth. (Seriously, you should be tipping the nurses better, since they have yet to strangle your mother. Also? Your mother is racist.) Take her for a drive around the tip of Palos Verdes. It’s lovely, and it’s free. You love your mother. Your mother loves you. (Or at least she loves the son you’ve hidden.) Take her to the Point Vicente lighthouse, help guide her walker to a bench, and feed some filthy seagulls. She is old. She likes seagulls—likes them more than she likes you. Because you: You have stolen her son. Point Vicente Park | 31501 Palos Verdes Dr West | Rancho Palos Verdes 90275 | 310.541.0334

YOUNG MOM Your mom’s what? Like 30? She was a slut. But no matter what she did—leaving you with your stern Croat grandmother for months at a time, sobbing at you constantly that you ruined her life, showing up for parent-teacher meetings in a Spandex mini and last night’s raccoon eyes—the one thing your mother didn’t do was abort you. Love her for that. (When you’re done loving her, call your grandmother and secretly tell her she was your real mom.) What does Young Mom like to do? Young Mom likes to drink! Drinky, drinky, Young Mom! Classy it up (for once) with a jaunt to the back-room speakeasy at Morry’s. It’s swank, even though your wine comes in sad little one-ounce pours to evade the tyrannies of the ABC. Your mother deserves a bit of swank, waitressing as she did for 18 years to keep you in sneakers. Without you, she could have gone to college, or at least met a man. Special Mother’s Day sparkling wine tasting with hors d’oeuvres | Morry’s | 5764 E Second St | Long Beach 90803 | 562.433.0405 | morrys.com | 3-10pm | $25 | Moms, half-price

RICH MOM We don’t know what rich moms want. We’re guessing jewels for which Ghanaians lost their hands? Hey! How about a yacht? Dockside Boat & Bed has three boats available, with a continental breakfast! Your mother doesn’t have to know you paid only $200-$300 per couple, and $25 per extra guest (kids under five are free, but remember: they will probably fall overboard and drown). She’ll just think she raised you right. You will want to remind her that the credit goes to Nanny. Don’t. Dockside Boat and Bed | 316 E Shoreline Dr | Long Beach 90802 | 562.436.3111 | boatandbed.com

POOR MOM Go to the beach. The filthy, oily, dank-’n’-smelly beach. Perhaps Mother’s Beach, if you’ve got young children, so they can play in the still, warm, and canciverous waters. For eating, bring some dirt. Also, Coors Light. Mother’s Beach | Appian Way below Second St | 562.570.3100

FUN MOM Fun Mom may have embarrassed you once you hit 13—insisting, as she did, on actually talking to all of your friends. What you didn’t understand then was how good you had it. Let’s eat cake for breakfast! Fun Mom would exclaim. Okay!
Fun Mom was, in fact, awesome, and there you were cringing in the back seat like the snide, conformist little Phyllis Schlafly/Alex P. Keaton she hoped you wouldn’t be. So take Fun Mom belly-dancing! And smile extra big when she’s the first to volunteer for the plate throwing and the tap dancing. Papadakis Taverna is possibly the most fun evening you can have without hookers and blow [4] and they’ve added opera singers William Johnson and Evan Brummel to their regular (spectacular) entertainment. The food doesn’t suck either. Last time we went, I was full after the soup. Papadakis Taverna | 301 W Sixth St | San Pedro 90731 | 310.548.1186 | papadakistaverna.com

HIGH-MAINTENANCE MOM So your mother wouldn’t let you hug her lest your grubby paws mar her Oleg Cassini linen pantsuit, but now that you’re all growed up, you can air-kiss her cheek almost any time you want! Give High-Maintenance Mom the one thing that makes her truly at bliss: a spa day with you at her side (you at her side optional). Salon Pop and Barber Shop isn’t even open on Sundays, but help her prep the day before for the stresses of being feted on Mother’s Day. For $40, the 75-minute pedicure with hot stones and reflexology has to be good—hell, even their regular pedicure sets you back 30 bones, so while High-Maintenance Mom can feel punk-rock riche in the alt-cool environs, the spicy and exciting “slumming” will exist only in her mind. (Punk-rock riche? Alt-cool? Tattoo goddess Kari Barba and lo-art impresario/Sympathy for the Record Industry founder Long Gone John are both among the salon’s top MySpace friends.) Don’t forget the facial for your backne! Salon Pop and Barber Shop | 1085 Redondo St | Long Beach 90804 | 562.987.9200 | salonpopandbarbershop.com

SELF-SACRIFICING MOM Your mother wants to clean your house. Let her. Nothing makes her happier than sifting through your sweaty socks, cooking up a week’s worth of dinners to freeze, and grouting your tiles. Do you want to take the smile from her lips? The song from her heart? She is the Giving Tree. Sit on her stump, boy. Have some laundry handy, and some victuals to cook. The tree will be happy. Your house | Free

[1]We’re not counting Easter because it’s a brunch nightmare as well. Go to church already. Heathen.

[2] See surly A-Types above.

[3] That’s right. They will cut you.

[4] We hereby offer Papadakis Taverna the marketing slogan “the most fun evening you can have without hookers and blow!”

Tags: Long Beach, mother's day, To Do