Can be learned from the crazy albino bug of Martian Child

The title character in Martian Child is what would result if Jack Klugman’s single, tattered vocal cord impregnated Anne Heche and she gave birth to an albino bug. The bug child walks around all day rasping about Mars, or hiding in a box and demanding Lucky Charms, or thieving, or totally freaking out while he waits for a real family (“Boo hoo! Where’s my mother ship?”).

I mean, is there anything cuter than an abused child with severe emotional problems? That is a rhetorical question, which means shut up. Dennis, the squeaky bug boy, gets himself adopted by John Cusack, a science-fiction writer who knows just a leeeetle bit about alienation himself, if you know what I mean!!! I mean that he was once nerdy. They have a rough time, then a better time, then a bad time, then a great time. Martian Child makes its point—which is basically, “Unconditional love! Go for it!”—with an uninspired combo of whimsy (“A little martian chose you to teach him about being human!”) and blunt force (Cusack’s publisher demands, “Why can’t you just be what we want you to be?”).

This movie is so full of lessons it might have been based on a very pink bestseller called Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned from This Crazy Albino Bug. The only thing that kept me awake was the possibility that the bug child might actually be from Mars. But that’s stupid, because everyone knows that Mars doesn’t exist. Nice try, nerds!

MARTIAN CHILD DIR. MENNO MEYJES | RATED PG | OPENS FRI AT THEATERS EVERYWHERE

Tags: Film, john cusack, martians