Before we tear this work to pieces, let’s have a look at what the media has recently said about its director, Zach Helm: Variety magazine called him one of 10 writers to watch; Esquire magazine called him one of the “Best & Brightest”; and Fade In magazine designated him as a person who must be known—meaning, not to know him is to be out of touch with the trends and happenings in Hollywood. Helm is the man of the moment. The Hollywood machine believes in him, and wants the public to believe in his genius. He wrote the script for Stranger Than Fiction, and if that ain’t a smart movie, what in the world is?

This is how Hollywood thinks. It looks for a man who will do something new and yet not change the order of studio production; it wants to work with inventive people but also with people who can work within the system. Helm is such a man, and Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium is his directorial debut. Natalie Portman and Dustin Hoffman are his stars. The stage is set. The financial sorcerers have turned the turtle over and looked into the belly of the future: It’s full of money. What can go wrong?

Everything is wrong with this film. In it, zero is new; dead tired are its plot, imagery, themes, and acting. The movie wants to look and feel fresh, but it instead presents us with a series of heavy corpses: the corpse of the music, the corpse of the set design, the corpse of the dialogue. Even the special effects are not special. The story is so bad I refuse to recount it. I will, however, say this: If Natalie Portman were not beautiful, there’s no way I could have survived/endured/stomached the screening of this film.

MR. MAGORIUM’S WONDER EMPORIUM DIR. ZACH HELM | RATED G | AT THEATERS EVERYWHERE

Tags: dustin hoffman, Film, mr. magorium's wonder emporium, natalie portman, zach helm