As author of ‘Vector Control,’ the question I hear most often is, “Will you ever get back with Liza?” That seems an odd sort of question and is probably the reason I don’t get you people. Apparently, you don’t always get me or “Vector,” because the other question I hear a lot is “Why do you call it ‘Vector Control?’” As I wrote this summer, we call the column “Vector Control” because “we were sitting around trying to think of names for the column and I said that since the name of the magazine had a very municipal sound, we should name the column after some municipal agency—preferably one that deals in going after and neutralizing vermin and pests, as this column will consider that its sacred duty. But no one liked that idea, so we named it after my uncle, Ronald Vector Control.”I don’t know if that helps any of you, but it has certainly helped me pad out this introduction to “Vector Control’s” look back at 2007.

JANUARY-MARCH
Nothing much happened, well, except this persistent feeling that the area in and around Long Beach—one might call it a “district”—deserved better media coverage. You know—something that would tell people from the area what was going on in politics, arts, music and would have a hilarious, diary-type column with some inscrutable title and all this would appear once a week—“weekly” as the rappers say. But hey, who are we kidding, something like that requires time and money and hot strippers in racing suits.

APRIL
3 The Cal State University system announces it’s reached a tentative salary agreement with its faculty, boosting their pay about 21 percent over the next four years. The faculty had threatened a series of rolling strikes at rotating campuses, “rolling strikes” being labor vernacular for not showing up for class on a regular basis, an activity many of us know by its original moniker: chem lab . . . 4 I attend press day for the Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach’s celebrity race and come face-to-cloying-face with something far more shocking: the celebrity press. I immediately acquire great respect for Lindsay Lohan and would like to buy her her next eight drinks. I had to watch these pests “interview” celebrities, asking such penetrating questions as “So, do you like cars?” I haven’t witnessed such an embarrassing display of sycophancy since the run up to the Iraq War . . . 10 Local bon vivant Snoop Dogg objects to finding himself and other hip-hop artists lumped in with Don Imus. Imus is under fire for calling members of the Rutgers University women’s basketball team “nappy-headed hos.” Snoop, whose real name is Calvin Broadus, doesn’t like being associated with Imus, whose real name is Dipwad McZombie, because while they both denigrate women, they, uh, how’s that go again? “It’s a completely different scenario,” Snoop said. “[Rappers] are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We’re talking about hos that’s in the ‘hood that ain’t doing shit. These are two separate things.” Well, duuuh . . . 11 The District, a new weekly magazine makes its debut in Long Beach. The first issue features hot strippers—and George Lucas—in racing suits. Also, a little column called “Vector Control” What the hell? . . . 30 The Press-Telegram reports on a meeting between the Cal State Long Beach chapter of Sigma Pi fraternity and their Fourth Street neighbors. They get together to discuss the usual neighborly things: barking dogs, unkempt yards, fraternities responsible for broken beer bottles strewn about, passed out women on porches, used condoms at neighboring Fremont Elementary School, underage drinkers, excessively loud music, pools of vomit, more used condoms, smashed windows, people having sex on people’s lawns, street racing and folks from the fraternity and their friends using the neighborhood as a bathroom, and not in the good way. Josh Wootton, chair of the fraternity’s neighborhood relations committee, said the meeting was helpful because fraternity members, “didn’t realize that the small things mattered,” adding, “That’s what she said!”

MAY
1 Reggie the alligator has apparently returned to Harbor City’s Machado Lake, and locals couldn’t be happier. There are again Reggie T-shirts to be purchased online at savereggie.blogspot.com as well as Reggie hoodies, Reggie coffee cups, baby bibs and Reggie braided tantalum suture thread. Reggie first appeared in Machado Lake in 2005, and everyone had a good laugh and began to root for the cute little seven-to-nine-foot man-eater when he continued to elude capture. Perhaps it was because people were amazed that anything could survive in Machado Lake, which is surrounded by oil refineries and freeways—you know, like the Pacific Ocean and the Atlantic Ocean and the Great Lakes. Now, some spoil sports have suggested that this alligator isn’t the actual Reggie but some other mutant supergator, none of which seems to bother Harbor City Chamber of Commerce executive director Joeanne Valle, who said, “We don’t care. It’s just something to embrace.” Indeed, and we’d just like to say to our readers UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO EMBRACE REGGIE THE ALLIGATOR. LIKEWISE, YOU ARE DISCOURAGED FROM PETTING, RUBBING OR SPOONING THE ANIMAL … 16 Eighteen-year-old Samantha Larson steps atop Mt. Everest and becomes the youngest person to scale the Seven Summits—the tallest peaks on each of the seven continents. Larson, a graduate of Poly High, climbed Africa’s Mt. Kilimanjaro (19,340 feet) at 12, or the age I climbed down from the high dive at Warren High to cat calls and a turtled man organ … 23 Long Beach beaches are rated the most polluted in the state in a study released today by Heal the Bay. That’s all of Long Beach’s beaches. Whereas other cities had a specific filthy beach—Malibu’s Surfrider, LA’s Castlerock—Long Beach went with the all-inclusiverust. Mystery? Hmmm, I’m no oceanographer but do you think it might have something to do with the oil derricks and the tankers and the port and the breakwater that eliminates the natural filtration of waves? Anyone familiar with Long Beach knows that not only do you not go into the city’s water, you don’t make eye contact with it for fear it will give you hepatitis or steal your credit cards … 24 Well, they finally caught Reggie, who, after taking up residence in Harbor City’s Machado Lake, had spawned a cottage industry for T-shirt makers and local news outfits. His capture was played big, as his transport by truck to the LA Zoo was covered by local news helicopters—much like the O.J./Bronco chase, the exception being that Reggie’s not a mankiller or slated to be Jerry Falwell’s bunkmate in hell … 25 A Press-Telegram editorial comments on the amazing achievement of Poly High grad Samantha Larson, who, at the age of 18, scaled Mt. Everest last week, making her the youngest person to climb the Seven Summits. Larson’s achievement is a worldwide sensation—except in the P-T, which thinks this will just angry up the blood of local teens. Of Larson, the P-T says: “We see a young woman who can inspire others to set goals and work toward them. We wouldn’t want to see every teen from Long Beach climb mountains, but we would like to see them visualize their own Everests—college admission, a trade school education, an independent business—and start climbing.” Uh, thanks, Dad. You know what, if every teen in Long Beach wants to climb a mountain, you have The District’s permission. Gee, you think that Long Beach’s regrettable inferiority complex has anything to do with having 100 years of a local paper that thinks it’s a bad thing for local kids to aim too high, that we’d all be better off settling for attainable goals like lawnmower repair. plan, which is why the city had the simple designation of “All” next to it. Heal the Bay’s Mark Gold said it was “a mystery” why Long Beach’s beaches are so polluted, though everyone seems to agree it’s never a good sign when ocean water begins to

JUNE
11 Our local minor league baseball team requests that you call it the Long Beach Armada of Los Angeles of California of the United States of North America Including Barrow, Alaska. That’s still easier than the other worst name in sports: World Champion Miami Heat . . . 25 Well, we’re just a day away from the special election that will determine who will fill the congressional seat of the late Juanita Millender-McDonald and it appears the two front runners are not only women, but women of color—assemblywomen Laura Richardson and Jenny Oropeza. How different. How refreshing. How’s about Richardson sending out a political mailer accusing Oropeza of shirking her duties as a legislator when she missed votes in the Assembly, surmising that Oropeza “chose her own interests over our kids by missing 137 days.” Oropeza’s interest? She was receiving chemotherapy for liver cancer. For her part, Oropeza has taken nearly half a million dollars in campaign contributions from Indian tribes with gambling interests. All of this, along with the accusations of fraud and calls for federal investigations, has utterly enchanted local voters who are expected to come out in droves tomorrow—if droves is the technical term for 10 percent . . . 26 With just a tick over 11,000 votes, Assemblywoman Laura Richardson wins the right to be the Democratic candidate in the upcoming runoff for the 37th Congressional District seat. In an election that saw just 11 percent voter turnout, Richardson wins in a field of 13 Democrats and four Republicans, along with one Libertarian, one Green, and various other sci-fi themed candidates. Because the district is more than 70 percent Democrat, Richardson is assured an overwhelming victory in the August runoff unless she does something horrible, like advocate the violent overthrow of the government or support universal healthcare—in which case she’ll still win: the margin will just be whelming . . . 27 The U.S. Conference of Mayors, when not discussing crumbling infrastructure, budget shortfalls, and the best deals on top hats and sashes, holds a municipal water-tasting competition every year. This year, Long Beach places in the top five. In a contest in which 93 cities participated, Long Beach places up at the top with Anaheim, Colorado Springs, St. Louis, and Toledo. St. Louis’s water was voted the best to drink—slut—while, for the third straight year, the worst water to drink was judged to be whatever is currently dripping off Rush Limbaugh . . . 30 While having a lovely sandwich at Panini’s on Redondo, I read this week’s Long Beach Business Journal. The lead story was about the new head of the local Chamber of Commerce, who said that he would like to see the city become more “business-friendly.” This is a dramatic break from his predecessor, who advocated the workers control of the means of production, as well as an end to private property and annexation of the Ukraine.

JULY
1 In a show of courage that can only be described as Olympian, scores of hopefuls hit the waters off of the Belmont Veterans Memorial Pier hoping to qualify for the 2008 Beijing Games, where open-water swimming will make its Olympic debut. Perhaps it is the aura of ancient Greece, the nobility of competition, or the pier’s persistent aroma of urine that gives this event a special air—wait . . . It’s the urine. Some people are surprised that swimmers would be asked to compete in the dark waters of Long Beach, which have not only been judged the most polluted in the state but linked to various forms of monsterism, but, actually, it makes sense to have them compete in this muck, since Bejing is one of the most polluted spots on Earth, along with waters off of the Belmont Veterans Memorial Pier and whatever is currently dripping off Rush Limbaugh . . . 4 Happy birthday, America! You deserve it. You’re righteous and totally cool. Sure, some of the other kids think you’re a bully and stuck up and a total douche, a complete psychotic with low self-esteem who you shouldn’t make eye contact with; but for all of your shortcomings, like using up all Earth’s resources and terrorizing it militarily, you still can produce Quincy Jones, who I just found out, like right now, nailed Dinah Washington when he was just a young dude. Dinah Washington! What a country! . . . 10 Projections from the state’s Department of Finance say that by 2050 California’s population will increase by nearly 75 percent to 60 million, so you probably want to start merging over to the carpool lane right about now. Certain projections are not a surprise: Latinos will become even more dominant; San Franciscans will remain inexplicably bitter. What is surprising, and frightening, is that Riverside is expected to experience such a surge in residents that it will surpass all other counties except Los Angeles in population. Urban planners are already scrambling to try to figure out what to do with all those couches on all those lawns . . . 14 The papers are heavy with coverage of David Beckham and his arrival to play for our beloved Los Angeles Galacticas. It’s hoped that Beckham can improve soccer’s profile in America so that it becomes as popular as arena football or those contests where you dress your dog up to look like a bumblebee . . . 21 Our beloved Los Angeles Galatians play an exhibition match against English Premier League stalwart Chelsea. While any kickball match is an occasion for life in Southern California to come to a standstill, this one is even standstillier since it marks the debut of soccer icon David Beckham. In a thrilling 1-0 Chelsea victory in which the ball traveled in one direction for several seconds before being kicked back in the other direction for several more, Beckham played about 12 minutes but failed to score. You know who else failed to score? Every other player on both teams except one guy who was standing around when the ball shot out from the bumblebee scrum and he kicked it and it hit the goal post then rolled slowly into the goal . . . 28 Activists on either side of the immigration debate congregate in front of St. Luke’s Episcopal Church. A 29-year-old woman named Liliana asked for, and received, sanctuary from the church, and that outraged the anti-illegal-immigrant camp who showed up to protest—which outraged the pro-immigrant camp who showed up to protest their protest. Now, I think the anti-illegal-immigrant folk have some good points to make. Unfortunately for them, they don’t have a clue when, where, or how to make them—and St. Luke’s is a perfect example. To them, the woman inside the church symbolizes a broken system and millions who are taxing services already stretched thin. Problem is, the woman is holed up in the church with her INFANT SON, who happens to be a US CITIZEN. Then the woman’s two other children, ages seven and four—and both American citizens—came out of the church holding a sign reading, “We Want Mommy Home!” after which the four-year-old, Susi, says, “I love my mommy!” You guys ever hear about doing a little research? Who’s advising you, Ann Coulter’s less-tactful cousin? And even with all this, they didn’t get it. Jan Culberton of the anti-illegal immigrant group Save Our State, said this: “I understand their plight, but rules have to be followed.” She later added, “DESTROY ALL HUMANS!” excused herself, and had a complete diagnostic check . . . 30 Did I mention that Jan Culberton was holding a sign saying “Even Heaven Has A Gate”? Mmm-hmm. Yeah . . . 31 Police arrest 39-year-old Martha Gutierrez for selling black tar heroin to customers in Central Long Beach. Gutierrez is alleged to have sold the drug with her four- and 12-year-old granddaughters by her side, making this the most egregious abuse of Take Your Grandchild to Work day since Dick Cheney brought his grandkids to the eighth circle of hell: “Poppa, my soul hurts!” “That’s how you know it’s working, Pumpkin.”

AUGUST
9 Reggie the alligator makes his debut at the Los Angeles Zoo. More than 150 people are there to witness the premiere, many of them bused in from Harbor City, where Reggie came to fame while he made his home in Lake Machado. The crowd cheered “We want Reggie!” as a collection of firefighters and zookeepers lowered Reggie into his new habitat, unwrapping a towel from his eyes and a restraint from his jaw. One of the handlers said Reggie was “kind of skittish, a little standoffish” and that he tended “to hiss a lot.” Hissing! After these good people took the time to remove Reggie from his home, cover his eyes with towels, and place a restraint on his jaw! Well, I’ll say it again: nature may be beautiful, but its manners are atrocious . . . 12 A study released this weekend estimates that an American baby born in 2004 will live an average of 77.9 years, an all-time high for this country—though that number dips significantly if that baby is allowed to swim in the water around Long Beach. On the plus side, that baby will grow to a height well over 14 feet and have laser eyes that go Peeooo! Peeooo! and totally blow junk up and stuff (suggested names for such a baby: Destructo, Dr. Kaboom, Chad). Though 77.9 is an all-time high for America, it ranks just 42nd in the world, behind the likes of Japan, Singapore, Guam, and Larry King . . . 13 I don’t know what you do for a living, but there is no way it is remotely as good as what I do. I get paid to write “Dr. Kaboom” . . . 15 Reggie the alligator breaks out of his 40-by-60-foot enclosure at the LA Zoo by scaling a five-foot fence. You know what this means, don’t you? The prophecy has been fulfilled. Reggie has obviously developed mutant powers unknown to man while spending the last couple of years in Harbor City’s oil-refinery-adjacent Lake Machado. So this is how it ends: gators able to scale fences; lemurs with a working knowledge of crossbows; Scott Baio back on TV. All predicted in the Bible, of course. Somewhere near the middle. Around the part where Moses fights Spock . . . 21 Long Beach holds a special election—“special election” being another way of saying, “What, there’s an election?”—and chooses Laura Richardson to represent the 37th District in Congress. Richardson wins with 67 percent of the vote, which sounds like a lot until you consider that only 8 percent of eligible voters actually voted, which is low by even Major League Soccer standards . . . 22 Pat West is named Long Beach’s new city manager. This isn’t a huge surprise, but it is a change in direction, since the last few city managers came from within the city manager’s office. People started to think that it was time to change things up a bit, get a fresh perspective, and West was kind of the perfect mix of an outside-insider. He came to Long Beach several years ago after serving as the city manager of Paramount, where he helped turn that city around. So he was in Long Beach long enough to figure out how things work—e.g., the members of Long Beach’s shadow government like their finger sandwiches served without the crust—but not so long as to be stale. So, congratulations, Pat! OK, now that we have that out of the way, could you do something about getting rid of the Breakwater and saving Acres of Books and unclogging the sinks in the bathrooms at Bixby Park and fixing the potholes outside Portfolio coffehouse and doing something about the sidewalks on Third Street and the 4 a.m. street-sweeping and the lack of mailboxes and the demolition derby that is parking lot at the Market Place and howsabout putting some bonfire pits on the damn beach and installing some air conditioning at the arcade at Shoreline Village and howsabout a rational permit system for event promoters and public schools that look a little less like prison yards and get moving on the greenbelt and tell the neighbor that we can hear him having sex and would he please shut his girlfriend up every once in a while? OK, that’s enough for this week. We’ll get back to you. Real soon . . . 25 Um, Pat West? Yeah, you might also want to see who has the keys to City Hall, because sometime last night or early this morning somebody got in there and made an awful mess. Police said that burglars went to the 14th floor and top floor and took some items from the offices of the mayor and the city council. We’re guessing the probably went for the Faberge eggplant, jewel-encrusted hole-punch, and strawberry-maned Fantasmaunicorn. Also, Bob Foster’s nunchucks.

SEPTEMBER
12 LA Observed publishes a memo from L.A. Daily News Editor Ron Kaye announcing that Judi Erickson has been named the paper’s city editor. This would seem to have nothing to do with people in these parts, until you get to the second paragraph: “She succeeds Barbara Jones who is coordinating content with our sister MediaNews papers and will play a key content role in the efforts to develop and put together the common pages we’ll soon be producing with the [South Bay Daily] Breeze and Long Beach [Press-Telegram].” Soon? You mean more? Press-Telegram readers already get a lot of their local, political and sports coverage from reporters working out of Torrance and Woodland Hills, so it’s not like this is anything new, but Kaye’s memo suggests there’s more homogenization to come. So ready yourself for more stories about such hot-button local topics as whether we should break away from L.A. Unified, local residents’ feelings about further expansion of LAX and who makes the best pizza in North Hollywood . . . 20 The Long Beach Unified School District, one of five finalists for the Broad Prize for Public Education, loses out to grand prize winner New York City. New York will get $500,000 in college scholarships while Long Beach and the other four finalists get $125,000 a piece. It’s believed New York got the nod because of improving test scores among students and lowered recidivism rates among teachers. Typical of New York braggadocio, the city’s Public Advocate, Betsy Gotbaum, gushes: “New York City still maintains dismally low graduation rates, especially for black and Latino students, and the Department of Education has failed to engage parents. If we are No. 1 in terms of achievement, it’s pretty sad news for the rest of the nation.” Oh, get over yourself . . . 26 From the LA Times: “Lynwood city leaders thought they had a winner when they proposed a 70,000-seat NFL football stadium in their working-class city. This week, voters punted the mayor and three council members out of office . . . ” Oh, I wanna play! I wanna play! Dig . . . Mayor Louis Byrd and teammates Fernando Pedroza, Alfreddie Johnson Jr. and Leticia Vasquez were tackled by 2,300 voters. The recall vote was hiked four months after current and former council members were flagged by Los Angeles County prosecutors for passing public funds to themselves groin pull. Tight end shotgun formation triple reverse recalled councilmembers tried to block the special election turf toe double pump this is the running back’s second arrest on assault charges bloody stump. Byrd and Vasquez’s seats are up for election on November 6 and many experts will be watching to see if Lynwood can turn the corner after its chronic chafing while attempting to move forward from a period both red and painfully itchy . . . 27 Heal the Bay publishes its findings on summer water quality and the news is great! And by “great” I mean “depressing and horrible.” Yes, the level of illness-causing bacteria is at the lowest levels it’s been since Heal the Bay began examining local water quality 18 years ago. Of course, the reason the levels are so low is because the extreme drought conditions the state is experiencing means there is no rain water to wash the filth from our streets and yards down into storm drains and into the ocean. So, congratulating ourselves for improving our shoreline water is like complimenting a cancer patient on their recent weight loss. Still, it’s nice to report that Long Beach’s water is no longer the worst in the state. That honor now belongs to Puerco Beach at the Marie Canyon storm outlet in Malibu and Dockweiler State Beach at Ballona Creek. Long Beach water improved from the state’s worst to a sparkling “extremely poor,” so feel free to swim early, often and with your mouth wide open. The local improvement means the water is less likely to kill/transform you into a multi-nosed mutant with super powers and/or anal leakage and more likely to blind/transform you into a half-human, half-animal creature preferably with the head of something adorable, maybe a puppy . . . a puppy who smells danger and poops lasers . . . 28 Today while waiting for my food at Jim’s Burgers, I glanced at a Press-Telegram news rack and saw this headline plastered across the front page: “BEACHES IMPROVE.” I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP. The headline, in a couple shades of blue, was around the size one normally sees when announcing the beginning or end of a war and was, of course, totally bogus. Interestingly, the deck—the verbiage under the headline—was accurate, reading: “L.B., Catalina water still among state’s dirtiest.” So, um, I don’t know what the hell is going on over there.

OCTOBER
2 In an effort to save old growth trees from the wood chipper, the Long Beach City Council votes 7-0 to look into creating “meandering sidewalks.” Older trees are many times cut down because they break up sidewalks due to their tendency to have enlarged roots—also, they take f-o-r-e-v-e-r to order at fast food restaurants. So, to keep the trees upright and neighborhoods beautiful, the city council will research creating sidewalks that curve and wind about the trees. This causes a dilemma for me. On the one hand, I support trees. I supported trees before it was fashionable, supported them when they made those ill-advised comments about President Bush overseas. But meandering sidewalks? What kind of message are we sending to the young sidewalks of today by rewarding these walkways that show little sign of direction or purpose? I mean, sure, we all meandered a bit in college. We were young and into experimentation—I still get birthday notes from a Finnish exchange student though I’ve made it quite clear I don’t like him like that . . . I’ve been very consistent about that, Thorvald . . . 4 Turns out your creepy neighbor who keeps using “party” as a verb was right. The cops do have quotas. Today, the commander of the LA County Lakewood Sheriff’s Station said he was wrong to permit competitions to see which deputies could arrest the most people, impound the most vehicles and interrogate the most gang members. Capt. David Fender chalked up the contests to poor judgment but said the competition was created for the right reasons, specifically a spectacular set of Calphalon cookware and a fabulous weekend of pampering at Glen Ivy Hot Springs . . . 20 A pipe bomb explodes in the parking structure above the Rock Bottom Brewery tonight. No one is injured and no vehicles are reported damaged but it is a terrifying event, especially since we find out that our managing editor, Ellen Griley, was in that very same parking structure, TWENTY FOUR HOURS BEFORE! What’s more, Dave Wielenga was driving on the Long Beach Freeway that very night, the very same Long Beach Freeway the alleged pipe exploder may have used for his/her escape—though it could have been the 405, or the 91, or maybe they just cruised down Lakewood to the 105, but if you’re going to do that, why not just head over to the 605? I mean, you may be a crazed bomber but that doesn’t mean you should waste your time waiting at traffic lights. The point is we here at The District came within just a day and perhaps as few as one and as many as an infinite amount of miles from meeting the bomber . . . 21 Southern California is on fire. All you can see from the window of the jet that I’m inside en route to LAX is the thick brown air that looks like dirt. While this would disturb most people in just about any other part of the world, not a single person on the plane thought the air looked in the least bit unusual . . . Welcome to hell. Yes, another day, another fire as about one million people are displaced and an area roughly the size of Rhode Island is scorched. Just as predictable as the wind fanning the flames has been the reaction of some of the nation to our hardship. You know, when bad stuff happens to New Yorkers, everyone talks about how tough New Yorkers are and they make a feature film about it. If bad stuff happens to people in the middle of the country, they talk about how brave they are, laud their pioneer stock and produce a made-for-TV movie about them. But when bad stuff happens to Southern California it’s because we’ve displeased God by allowing women to vote and drive cars. Well, in answer to that kind of trash, the Almighty has sent us a gift: FEMA IS HERE! Yes, FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency; saviors of New Orleans, the people who put the “pass” in compassion and pioneered such groundbreaking disaster relief methods as “Well, you should have thought of that before you decided to live in New Orleans/Southern California/a house that got leveled by a jet airliner.” And FEMA is already doing what FEMA does great: making sure everyone knows what FEMA does great. This morning the head of FEMA, David Paulison, spent his time managing the emergency by going on morning talk shows and telling everyone what a great job he and his agency are doing. “We’re going to make sure this operation runs as smoothly as possible given the size of this disaster.” I think the only way he could have qualified that statement anymore would have been to scream wild-eyed into the camera: “Stop, drop and roll!” Whew! I feel both managed and agencied. You? . . . 24 On The District’s excellent blog, “Staff Infection” Kevin Ferguson reports that there has been a small student walk-out at Cal State Long Beach. Apparently kids are exhorting other kids to “Walk out of class!” in preparation for the big anti-war rallies this weekend. You know, I think I may have mentioned that I attended Cal State Long Beach nearly 25 years ago during the turbulent ’80s (“U.S. Out of Grenada! Also, You’re Too Shy, Shy!”) I can tell you we had more than our share of students walking out of class—mostly from Chem Lab because that class was really hard. But hearing the crescendo of people demanding students leave class certainly rang true for me. I remember hearing that practically every week; someone telling me over and over to “get out of class.” Of course, those people were my teachers . . . 25 Not only is FEMA here, but George W. Bush has shown up and assured us that he thinks FEMA is doing a great job. What could possibly go wrong? Only good things happen when Bush turns his golden touch to something, whether it’s Iraq, New Orleans or the Republican Party . . . 26 What did I tell you about these FEMA folks. They’ve been in town just a couple of days and already they’re making things better. For everyone. Even journalists. Today, FEMA officials admit they staged a “press conference” regarding the wildfires without actually having any “press” there. Now, while this has some thinking that FEMA officials did this to elude hard questions about their effectiveness, the rest of us know they did this out of concern for the members of the press who might be exhausted and overworked. Also, we tend to ask questions. So FEMA got a few of its own employees to pose as journalists—you know, like all the networks did during the run-up to the war—and had them pose questions to their bosses, the FEMA brass. Now don’t think because they were questioning their superiors the “journalists” held back. No, they threw such heaters as “What do you say to the charges that FEMA cares too much?” and “FEMA, can you teach us to love again?” FEMA officials referred both questions to staff.

NOVEMBER
10 The Long Beach Veteran’s Day Parade goes off without the three excluded groups, so apparently democracy has been protected from itself. You know, despite all the attention—we’ve written like 10 things about the parade and it’s been on the front page of the Press-Telegram the past two days, as well as the subject of local TV news coverage—when I arrive at the parade I realized this is just a small town parade, you know, the kind you might find in the Midwest or some place like La Palma . . . well, except La Palma, located in conservative Orange County, has invited the excluded veterans groups to march in their veterans parade. In Long Beach, organizers who were so adamant that politics not be a part of the parade (and that groups take no stand on the Iraq war) provide a free parade program that reads on its cover “One Team . . . One Mission.” Hmmmm. That part about a mission sound familiar? I wonder if that mission was ever accomplished? Anyway, the non-political parade goes off—nine of the first 15 participants being politicians. The excluded groups showed up and did exactly what they said they would do all along, cheered long and loud for vets, just standing on the side. Two things that hit me while at the parade: one, the number of men, age 55-and older, who showed up by themselves wearing a cap, jacket or shirt designating their branch of the service and watched the parade grim-faced and tight-lipped, making it clear they didn’t want to talk to anyone. The other was the sweet young boy who kept yelping “Santa! Santa’s coming!” conveniently ignoring his mother who kept telling him this wasn’t that kind of parade . . . 14 Lakewood resident Clifford Sung has his 1995 Honda Civic crushed flat by order of a judge. Sung was accused of being a street racer and the judge believed this was the only way to ensure that he wouldn’t engage in this dangerous behavior. Well, I’d like to speak to Mr. Sung directly. Mr. Sung, I can’t be certain whether you took part in this potentially deadly behavior, but I did own a 1995 Honda Civic. The judge did you a favor . . . 20 Federal agents raid a medicinal marijuana facility on Fourth Street and get a bunch of cannabis and the comforting feeling that they are torturing the sick and dying—E Pluribus Unum, boys! The facility, which had the head shop-sounding name “Compassionate Caregivers,” is one of the facilities created by Prop. 215—or the “Compassionate Use Act”—which legalized the dispensing of marijuana to people who are sick and dying. The federal government, working under the principle of “Compassion Can Suck It” prefers that the sick and dying be sick and die, preferably in a lot of excruciating pain. The federal government believes that drugs are bad and that not even the sick and dying should have access to them unless the drugs are administered by a hospital or liquor store or Wal-Mart. So they raided Compassionate Caregivers which had cleverly hidden what they were doing by putting up a big sign to say exactly what it is they were doing. Now, I’m not naïve enough to think that no one was abusing the generosity of Compassionate Caregivers. Yeah, I’m sure a couple of stoners got their pot—excellent pot, I’m told—there. But the Feds (oooh, I just felt all Steve McQueenish) cutting off the supply to a few potheads at the expense of the sick and dying is really horrible. Especially since the stoners know where else to find marijuana; it’s a little place called Everywhere Else. The only people the Feds hurt were the sick and dying. Do you know who they helped? Guys named Rick who sell pot out of their parents’ pool house . . . 23 This week marked new Long Beach Congresswoman Laura Richardson proposing her first bit of legislation in the House of Representatives. Richardson proposes a resolution criminalizing the hanging of nooses. This is in reaction to the recent spate of nooses across the country. The noose has apparently become the chic symbol of intimidation and hate for racists, replacing the Confederate flag and Larry the Cable Guy bumper stickers.

DECEMBER
6 When new Congresswoman Laura Richardson proposed a resolution criminalizing the displaying of nooses, I must admit I thought it was a bit of grandstanding. I knew the noose had become increasingly popular as a symbol of terror against minorities, you know, like flying the stars and bars or saying you listen to KFI, but I didn’t think it was anything that affected us here. I thought, you know, it was only in ignorant, hateful places like the South, Deep South, South Adjacent and Boston. Well, it turns out we’ve been flying nooses with the worst of ’em. Five nooses have been found at the Long Beach and Los Angeles ports over the past few months. FIVE. Now, I think we can all agree that anyone who displays that kind of hatred also is showing a lot of stupid, but it turns out our local noosers are REALLY stupid, like “Yes, I will take the extended service warranty” stupid. These wads apparently lack the fine motor skills to hide what they’re doing, so they’ve hung their nooses from their own truck beds, from their rear view mirrors, one guy was even wearing a noose ON HIS T-SHIRT. You know, when I hear crap like this, it always helps to reflect on the words of Martin Luther King Jr., who said: “What is it with you crackers, anyways?” . . . 11 The city council of beautiful Downey, California, votes to hire a consultant to help them figure out what to do with what’s left of Johnie’s Broiler. You remember Johnie’s, right? It’s the authentic ’50s drive-in that is a shining example of Googie architecture—it also happened to make a club sandwich so fine you’d step over your hatcheted mother to get one. It was all that until the guy leasing the property decided the one thing the place lacked was getting all destroyed by a bulldozer. He wrecked the restaurant thusly, though left the giant sign above in tact, giving the place an eerie, neutron-bomb-y kinda vibe, sorta like something you’d see in an apocalyptic movie about a nightmarish future bereft of hope, you know, High School Musical . . . 12 Something called a Warren Furutani wins a special primary election to replace Laura Richardson in the 55th Assembly district. Furutani, a Democrat, got about 49 percent of the vote, which was enough to win but wasn’t the 50 percent required to win the seat outright, so he’ll have to participate in one more election where he will be matched against those who won their party’s special, primary elections and if he wins that—and he will—he’ll be able to take his seat in the assembly unless he decides to take the deal from the banker or can’t answer a question about fourth grade math. Furutani’s near election—near election, they have pills for that—raises the question: can you have too much democracy? We’ve been having a ton of elections lately: primaries, general, special. This latest one came after Richardson won two elections to replace the late Juanita Millender-McDonald in Congress. Just nine percent of eligible voters participated in the election that actually put Richardson in Congress. It seems people are getting a little pooped on populism. When Furutani ran for the Assembly back in June of 2006 he received more than 11,000 votes and lost. That election had a 29 percent turn out. Tuesday, he got just 8,600 votes but won because only 10 percent bothered to vote. In fact, people are so disinterested that the Republicans didn’t even bother to have a candidate show up for the election. Furutani ran opposed by the GOP and, therefore, in the next election, he’ll be opposed by an Independent, a Libertarian, three Wookies and Premdor, Lord of the Mud People, who may sound pretty primitive but is still a good deal more progressive than Lou Dobbs.