Our picks for holiday gifts, from $0 to $4,200

ILLUSTRATION by LUKE MCGARRY

Every year the holidays show who we really are: people who love our families, cherish our friends and yearn for peace. Also, we’re big honking liars. That’s because at this time of year when so much is about gift-giving we say this time of year isn’t about gift-giving (keep telling yourself that when someone names a star after you). And, even if we’ll admit that gifts matter, we’ll attempt to argue that the price of the gift doesn’t, when, of course, it’s the only thing that matters. The price of the gift is why there are so many holiday breakups: folks forced to put in tangible terms where they see the relationship—$50 fling; hundred dollar dalliance—many times find their present partner has romantically/fiscally different ideas. Anyone with siblings knows that a counter is operating in each of your heads as you open gifts Christmas morning and calculate the worth of yours against theirs until the inevitable conclusion comes that you are loved least. So, we have compiled here a most fabulously no-nonsense, completely honest and upfront gift list, arranged by the price: crass, tacky, wonderful honest price. If you’re looking for a cheap office party gift, we got ’em. Looking for a middle of the road, teacher appreciation present, got ’em. Looking for something to express your love, regret or loving regret to a spouse, mistress or mimbo, we got those too. And we have high-end, expensive gifts, sort of like the gold one wise man brought to a small child 2,000 years ago. What a wonderful gift—total facial on those other two wise men and their crappy frankincense and myrrh. What were they thinking?

$0: FREQUENT BUYER CARDS
When buying gifts for friends, follow the golden rule: don’t give what you’d be embarrassed to get—and so, the best gift is the frequent buyer card. You see these things all over the city: buy nine coffees at Red Eye, get the 10th free; buy nine $6 meals at Merced’s and get the next one free; etc. Giving friends food you would have otherwise gotten for free is a perfect way to come out even. Zero risk, zero investment: You’ll be confident knowing that what you’re giving is a quality gift you’d otherwise have enjoyed alone. // KEVIN FERGUSON

$1: PEEK-A-POOHS
These are cute little charms you attach to your cell phone, and they’re also practical—the bauble and short cord make it easier to pull a phone from your pocket. There are many types of charms, but the Poohs are especially sweet since they involve Winnie-the-Pooh wrapped in rubber outfits ranging from a honey bee to a glue pot to—what’s currently on my phone—a pineapple. Great stocking stuffers for kids—and, I would argue, adults, though someone has told me that a grown man with a Peek-A-Pooh is guaranteed to never have sex again. Still, shopping for these is fun since you never know exactly what you’ll get—you purchase one by throwing four quarters in a gumball-type dispenser and spinning. Good luck! FAMIMA!! 5094 E LOS COYOTES DIAGONAL | LONG BEACH 90815 | 562.597.8900 | OR 4816 E SECOND ST | LONG BEACH  90803  562.434.3000 // STEVE LOWERY

$5.45: 5 OZ. OF JAMAICA BLUE MOUNTAIN COFFEE
Possibly the planet’s priciest coffee. Jamaica Blue Mountain is a much-coveted and very specific blend that comes from a tightly regulated grow zone: overlapping four Jamaican parishes only along a certain precise altitude just below the edge of an undeveloped forest preserve. Disregarding the recent re-introduction of Reunion Island’s once-lost Bourbon Pointu brand, it’s the most expensive coffee in the world, selling for around $50 per pound online—or selling locally at Polly’s for a little under $6 for a tasty 2 oz. sample-size baggie. “It’s good,” says Polly’s barista Sam Greenwell. “You taste where the money goes.” Those more committed to quality can find larger quantities for $45 per pound, and Greenwell also suggests a bag of fresh-roasted peanuts ($2.50) while you’re packing your shopping bag: “They’re pretty hot sellers!” POLLY’S GOURMET COFFEE | 4606 E SECOND ST | LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.433.2996 | POLLYS.COM // CHRIS ZIEGLER

$14.95: RACE MANNERS FOR THE 21ST CENTURY
This practical examination of interracial issues and etiquette is a useful how-to guide for getting around and getting along—particularly in Long Beach, the most racially diverse city in the country. Bruce A. Jacobs keeps the kumbaya to a minimum over 255 clearly written pages that manage to call just about everybody on their bullshit without rubbing their noses in it—giving good reasons for how we all got to be so prejudiced and offering easy-to-follow “survival suggestions” that show how bridging this misunderstanding can work in our own self-interest. Since it doesn’t look as though we’re all ready to love one another yet, this will work in the meantime. SHORE BOOKS  4817 E SECOND ST | LONG BEACH 90803 | 562.438.7368 | AND 4270 ATLANTIC AVE | LONG BEACH 90807 562.424.5052 | SHOREBOOKSLB.COM // DAVE WIELENGA

$15: TICKETS TO VAMP LOUNGE
Bands always seem to go AWOL in the winter—just when you need an excuse to get out—so this year, treat yourself to VAMP the Lounge, a Las Vegas-style (if tame) burlesque show aboard the Queen Mary. We’d describe VAMP the old-fashioned way, but the specialty drink menu speaks for the entire show: it’s hard to miss the theme with drinks like Bring On the Men, Between the Sheets Martini, Black Feather Tini and Sour Puss (still trying to figure that last one out). Inside the steamy venue, Corey Burrell’s Queen Bees perform choreographed dance/vocal cabaret numbers and slink on and off stage in everything from vanilla lingerie and see-through stripper heels to cop and firefighter fantasy wear. (Don’t expect pasties, though; the Bees don’t go topless—well, except once from behind a white sheet.) While VAMP’s not exactly the Pussycat Dolls Lounge at Caesar’s Palace, you’ll enjoy the swanky drinks and a hilarious stand-up routine from redheaded comedian Andrew Santino, who rocks the intermissions with raw, dirty improv and witty cracks on couples in the crowd who should get a room. Also, the appetizer menu ($8.95-16.95) offers basics like meat and cheese and fruit and cheese platters, miniature dessert dippers and chips and salsa. Chase your snacks with signature cocktails mixed tableside—the sweet and sour Vaudeville Apple Martini and the Dark Godiva Liqueur Spiked Chocolate ($12) are recommended. QUEEN MARY | 1126 QUEENS HWY | LONG BEACH 90802  562.499.6625 | VAMPTHELOUNGE.COM | DOORS OPEN FRI-SAT 10:45PM | 21+ // KIM LACHANCE

$19.99: APPLE PEELER, CORER AND SLICER
Simultaneously silly, ingenious, frivolous and useful, this cool and clean machine spirals an apple peel into a long, red ribbon while carving the fruit beneath into easy-to-eat slices—all with the twirl of a handle. My dad’s been giving these away for years, always with an appreciative response. They’re just about can’t-miss as grand-finale gifts during Secret Santa Season— unless you happen to draw Theo Douglas’ name. What a baby, Jesus! LINENS N THINGS | LONG BEACH TOWNE CENTER | 7410 CARSON ST | LONG BEACH 90808 | 562.377.9300 | LNT.COM // DW

$20: GARAGE MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION
Garage magazine is an essential—like The Rodder’s Journal, the new Hop Up, and the hilarious Dice magazine—and I’m not saying that just because I used to work there. The variety and the writing were good when Dan Stoner started it in 2002 as a quarterly, and have improved with almost every succeeding issue. Now Garage is bimonthly, and owned by Jesse James of West Coast Choppers—but still, very little has changed. That’s good. Where else can you read about tattooist Mark Mahoney, early customizer Harry Westergard and drag boat god Dwight “Hey” Bale in one magazine? GARAGE MAGAZINE | SUBSCRIPTIONS [at] GARAGEMAGAZINE [dot] COM | $20 FOR A SIX-ISSUE SUBSCRIPTION // THEO DOUGLAS

$20: ODDICA DESIGNS T-SHIRTS
There’s bound to be someone on your list—husband, brother, son, nephew, yourself—who likes graphic tees, those occasionally clever T-shirts that have become so hugely popular thanks to places like Threadless.com. But instead of forking your money over to a company far off in Chicago or a store like Urban Outfitters, check out Signal Hill-based Oddica Designs. Not only does Oddica have the same sort of crafty designs, they also put out a high-quality product thanks to the fact that they use American Apparel, the brand that everyone hates to love. ODDICA.COM // MILES CLEMENTS

$20-30: HISTORICAL SOCIETY GIFTS
If someone you know is deep into old Long Beach, chances are you can find something for them at the Historical Society. By now, though, Long Beach Architecture is required reading, so pass on that—there are other historical books on a slew of other subjects. And the best gifts are from the Society’s photo collection. In it, there are all sorts of great historical shots of all the attractions that shaped downtown—and even a few from when we still had waves, too. HISTORICAL SOCIETY OF LONG BEACH | 4260 ATLANTIC AVE  LONG BEACH 90807 | 562.424.2220 HISTORICALSOCIETYLB.ORG // MC

$22.95-39.95:  COUCH VEGAN GUITAR STRAPS
Yes, yes it’s all well and good that Couch guitar straps are 100% vegan—save the earth, go green, hooray for you—but beyond all that, Couch simply offers really well-designed and well-made products at very affordable prices. Designs currently in stock on the company’s website include an Andy Warhol picture strip strap (an altered Warhol self-portrait, repeated three times photo-booth style and sewn onto seat belt material; $22.95), a mod, Racer X-esque Army green strap with white vinyl stripe (end tabs constructed from three layers of auto, couch and marine upholstery vinyl; $32.95) and a seriously cool limited-edition white deadstock luggage guitar strap (with 30-year-old cream, red, orange and yellow Victorian vinyl upholstery on the opposite side; $39.95). Remember: Christmas comes only once a year; style lasts for a lifetime. COUCH GUITAR STRAPS | 2502 N PALM DR | STE I | SIGNAL HILL 90755  562.595.6965 | COUCHGUITARSTRAPS.COM // ELLEN GRILEY

$25-50: REGAL THEATER GIFT CARD
Now, we’re speaking about a specific theater here: the Regal UA in the Marketplace shopping center. Our region is blessed with a lot of great theaters, but this particular one offers the most variety and the best quality—as I write this, its six screens feature Michael Clayton, Lars and the Real Girl, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead and Into the Wild. And this is consistent: films range from quality Hollywood fare to the kind of arty stuff that usually requires you venturing into LA. Who wants that? UA LONG BEACH MARKETPLACE  6601 PACIFIC COAST HWY | LONG BEACH 90803 | 562.594.6525 // SL

$25-249: GIVE THE GIFT OF ART
The kids want year-round passes to Disneyland, the wife wants season tickets to the Hollywood Bowl, and you? You want something simple. Local. Affordable. You want to be out and back home in under three hours. You want to park in an actual parking lot—and no, Simba doesn’t count. That’s another country. Well, for as little as $25 (and up to $249), you can become an entry-level supporter of California Repertory, Long Beach State’s graduate theater training program. Or how about Long Beach Shakespeare Company, where $50 gets you 4 admissions to the current season’s productions at the Richard Goad Theatre. Not into drama? Go fish with the $125 family membership to the Aquarium of the Pacific. And don’t forget art: for $75 you can enjoy all basic membership benefits at the Long Beach Museum of Art plus free admission for up to five household members, discounts on classes for adults, and a $75 tax deduction (which kinda makes this -$75!). Or take $80 over to the Museum of Latin American Art and enjoy unlimited admission for two for an entire year, plus invitations to members-only openings, members’ discounts and more. At the very least, you’ll have something to do while everyone else is out. CALREP.ORG, LBSHAKESPEARE.ORG, AQUARIUMOFPACIFIC.ORG, LBMA.ORG AND MOLAA.ORG // EG

$26:  BRAISED LAMB SHANK DINNER AT FRENCHY’S BISTRO
The crowd at Frenchy’s Bistro isn’t old; it’s mature—which means old enough to appreciate fine food and wine. Dinner entrees start at $22, but $26 gets you one of their absolute classics: Braised Lamb Shank Provencale with Mashed Potatoes. It also comes with baby vegetables, and usually a potato crisp of some variety. For pescatarians? Try the Bouillabaisse, which is swimming with seafood of every variety. And for every gourmand, there’s the chocolate souffle for dessert. Remember to order it with your appetizers, so it’s ready at dinner’s end. You deserve it. FRENCHY’S BISTRO | 4137 E ANAHEIM ST | LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.494.8787 | FRENCHYSBISTRO.COM | LUNCH TUES-FRI 11:30AM-2:30PM, DINNER TUES-SUN 5:30-9PM | BEER, WINE // TD

$29: HARBOR HOVER HELICOPTER TOUR
Five-to-seven minutes in heaven on a helicopter for hire from Bravo Aviation: $29, a little less than it costs to take a shuttle van to the airport, gets you a no-nonsense pop-up above the Los Angeles Harbor. A better bet is the $55 “Wings Over the Waterfront” tour which doubles your airtime (10 to 12 minutes) and adds in Long Beach landmarks like the Queen Mary. (And the best is the “Pier to Eternity”: 30 minutes of goggle-eyed chopper wonder reaching all the way to Palos Verdes.) Google Maps may have made this obsolete but only in the same way MP3s succeeded records—the real experience is worth the ticket. BRAVO AVIATION | PORTS O’ CALL VILLAGE BERTH 75 | SAN PEDRO 90732  310.263.7669 | BRAVOAIR.COM // CZ

$50: BRISTOL FARMS GIFT CARD
No market, store or restaurant is better for food-borne gifts than Bristol Farms. If you know what you’re doing, you can easily whip together a basket or some other food-based present—there’s enough gadgets and alcohol and gourmet soups and breads and spreads to completely overwhelm. However, if all you know about a person is that he or she likes to cook, then go general with a well-funded gift card. A bit impersonal, sure, but entirely useful and appreciated. BRISTOL FARMS | 2080 N BELLFLOWER BLVD | LONG BEACH 90815 | 562.430.4134 | BRISTOLFARMS.COM // MC

$99.99:  TWIN PEAKS: THE DEFINITIVE GOLDEN BOX
Twin Peaks, one of the finest and most influential television series of the past 20 years—which singlehandedly bridged the gap between ’80s glee and ’90s gloom on the small screen—took a long time to escape VHS, but at last, we have a damn fine DVD: a few weeks back, Paramount Home Video released Twin Peaks: The Definitive Gold Box, which packages every episode of David Lynch and Mark Frost’s critically acclaimed and fan-beloved supernatural mystery with a superb smattering of bonus features. Why the wait? See, back in 1989, during the show’s initial run, a European cut of the two-hour pilot was issued overseas that included a tacked-on ending to quickly resolve the bizarre murder of teen queen Laura Palmer, the central mystery in the series; seeing an opportunity to cash in on rabid fan interest, this version was also offered on video stateside by Warner Bros. The resulting rights entanglement has plagued a proper DVD release for years; when Republic Pictures/Spelling Entertainment acquired the rights to season one in 2001, they released it without the broadcast pilot to widespread dissatisfaction. (An inferior Hong Kong release of the pilot subsequently became the only source for completists.) Adding insult to injury, the second (and final) season’s arrival was protracted once Republic/Spelling was acquired by Viacom, and Paramount finally decided to chuck it out last year before announcing that the Gold Box had a concrete (and not far off) release date. Bastards! So, here it is, the entirety of Special Agent Dale Cooper’s adventures in the sleepy Northwest town where nothing is what it seems and evil lurks in them there woods. If you’ve forked out already, then no doubt it stings a bit to have to do it again; but for the faithful, this is what we’ve been waiting so long to savor—like so much cherry pie and damn fine black coffee. If ever there was a justification for double-dipping on a previously issued title, this is it. // NICOLE CAMPOS

$104: REFURBISHED CALIFONE TURNTABLE
Vinyl sales are threatening to surpass CD sales, says Fingerprints’ Sarah Rivera: “It’s quite a comeback! Every other transaction is records!” So she suggests one of Fingerprints’ several types of turntables for those late to the trend. Her favorite is the portable Numark PT101, also equipped with standard RCA outputs to hook into any home stereo. This blurb’s favorite, however, is the refurbished Califone elementary-school story-time special—big, tough, and endearingly primitive, the kind of turntables the First Infantry Division would have hauled west toward Berlin. (Will the Califone’s caveman needle gut your rare vinyl? Sarah says it depends who you talk to, but it’ll also probably play records too wrecked for fussier turntables to handle.) They’re both about the same price, she says: “Depends if you wanna go nostalgic or you wanna go brand-new.” FINGERPRINTS CDS AND LPS | 4612 E SECOND ST |                  LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.433.4996 | FINGERPRINTSMUSIC.COM // CZ

$105: DOG
A live lovable dog. Dogs are the purest and best of all domestic animals. They’ll lick you if you’re freezing in a snowbank and wake you up, and they’ll growl at people you don’t like because they read clear instructions from your most subliminal vocal tones, and they don’t have a very good sense of time and memory so if you’re nice to them for a while, pretty soon all they will remember anymore is that they have always been so healthy and happy and loved. Are there any particularly special dogs down there right now? “Oh gee,” said the lady. “I wouldn’t know. They’re all special.” (Thanks to animal advocate Justin Rudd for guidance on this blurb!) SEAL BEACH ANIMAL CARE CENTER    1700 ADOLFO LOPEZ DR | SEAL BEACH 90740 | 562.430.4993 | SBACC.ORG // CZ

$175 AND UP:  DINNER MOJO PERSONAL CHEF
It’s the ultimate timesaver: a personal chef to consult, prep, cook and clean up. You can tailor your meals any way you want and set up long-term packages, too. The perfect gift for lazy cooks. DINNERMOJO.COM // MC

$200: KEITH WEESNER GICLEES
Painter Keith Weesner, whose hot rod/kustom/pin-up girl oeuvre has the editors of some car magazines proclaiming him the Boswell of the vintage hot rod scene, recently issued a set of five 6-by-8-inch giclee prints of some of his most recent works. The price, $200, is something we can all almost afford. Best, the set includes a print of one of Weesner’s neatest recent paintings: 2006’s Surf Menace, an exquisitely detailed 2006 painting of a beach scene—bikini babe, scary guy, and ’60s-style phone-booth Model A pickup. Just add sand—and leaded gas. KEITHWEESNER.COM // TD

$299: WINE COUNTRY WINE CLUB SUBSCRIPTION
There’s any number of gifts you can pick up at the Wine Country, but for the one that keeps on giving, order a subscription to the store’s wine club. With that, two wines are delivered to the recipient’s door each month, enough to satisfy at least one long night of drinking. Plus, you can subscribe in three-month increments, though it’s best to save up the money for the yearlong subscription—it’ll cut down on gifts for all those lesser holidays. THE WINE COUNTRY | 2301 REDONDO AVE  SIGNAL HILL 90755 | 562.597.8303 | THEWINECOUNTRY.COM // MC

$550-$795: OCMODERN.NET FURNITURE
You and the missus could easily break $600 just buying new clothes, jewelry, fragrances, etc. for each other. Or you could put that money toward something that you will never shrink in the laundry, slip down the drain during dishes, or just plain run out: Danish Modern furniture. Timeless, fashionable—and, at District favorites (if only for window shopping) OCModern.net, affordable—these pieces ensure a happy home for many holidays to come. Of course, part of the problem with places like OCModern.net (and David Galindo Home) is that things can be here one week, gone the next, but at press time, our picks included an exquisite wooden Danish Modern rocking chair ($550), a five-drawer Danish teak dresser with a flip-top vanity and mirror ($750) and an unbeatable adjustable Danish modern credenza with a moveable tambour cabinet ($795)—all the better for hiding your presents inside next year. OCMODERN.NET // EG

$595: A NEW FIREPLACE
If there’s one thing your Cliff May Rancho house needs—besides a new roof and a new floor—it’s some decent furniture. The Vintage Collective has your next fireplace, for a mere $595. It’s a big orange spaceship of a pod that’ll sit right in your living room—and remember, orange was Frank Sinatra’s favorite color. Also don’t miss the very nice cedar-y copy of the Isamo Noguchi coffee table with the biomorphic legs. Impressive—particularly for $495. THE VINTAGE COLLECTIVE | 2122 E FOURTH ST | LONG BEACH 90814 | 562.433.8699 | THEVINTAGECOLLECTIVE.COM // TD

$1,000 AND UP:  WORLD WAR II ARMY ISSUE COLT 1911
One of the best pieces of equipment we threw into World War II was the Colt 1911 (guess which year it was invented), one of history’s great .45-caliber semi-automatic handguns. It works every time, fires a slug the size of a baseball, and it looks boss—just squared off and mean. This holiday season, visit gunbroker.com, the eBay of the gun world, and pick up a World War II U.S. Army-issue Colt 1911 in a weird olive drab finish—just for the war. It makes a cool gun even cooler, usually for $1,000 and up. GUNBROKER.COM // TD

$2000: KITESURFING
Owing to the vagaries of geography, geology and blowology (the study of wind) we live in one of the best kitesurfing spots in the nation. Why not take advantage? Give someone a complete kitesurfing outfit that will allow them to get started right away. Kitesurfari of Seal Beach offers such an outfit—the Omega/Prodigy package which includes a kite and board and is the easiest way to get up and riding with the least amount of effort. Sold! Of course, you’ll also want to include some lessons to learn about water safety and riding techniques and have a basic blowological understanding. The Omega/Prodigy will cost you about $1500, the lessons a little more than $500. But can you really put a price on happiness? Yes: $2000. KITESURFARI 452 PACIFIC COAST HWY | SEAL BEACH 90740 | 562.596.6451 | KITESURFARI.COM // SL

$4,200:  MARTIN CUSTOM SUNBURST JUMBO GUITAR
A perfect pure guitar made specially for World of Strings, but even so, luthier Greg Coates says they could let it go—with a discount, even. “We can always make another one,” he explains, which is something World of Strings specializes in—so much so that people visit the store the way they visit a zoo, stopping Coates to tell him about how he carries the kind of instruments they’ve never even seen in person. If you decide to pick up the Jumbo and make the World replace something irreplaceable, Coates suggests a set of Wheatware wheat guitar picks, too—environmentally safe, pressed from surplus U.S. wheat, just like Johnny Dogface used to get in his C-rations. Those are about a quarter each. Get the Martin and he’d probably toss in a few. WORLD OF STRINGS | 1738 E SEVENTH ST | LONG BEACH 90813  562.599.3913 | WORLDOFSTRINGS.NET // CZ

Tags: Food, furniture, gift guide, guns, holiday shopping, Long Beach, pets, wine