Being a collection of spiritous imbibulables resident to and near the city of Long Beach

ILLUSTRATION by JOE AND LUKE MCGARRY

It’s been said—by Reno 911, by Bud from next door, by at least one District employee—that when the prudent police officer sniffs inside your car and asks you to recite the alphabet backwards, what he really wants to hear is “I can’t even do this sober!” So . . . do with that what you will. And enjoy this list of some of Long Beach’s drunksiest drinks, presented from Z to A for your learned pleasure. It took us 11 months to compile this list—and one night to memorize how to get from Z to A in less than 30 seconds. We suggest you do the same—wicked party trick!—and also commit the number for Long Beach Yellow Cab to memory: 888.529.3556. Cheers!

Z
ZOMBIE
A tiki fundamental certainly available at bamboo rooms like Puka Bar and Cha Cha’s, but guess what? V Room serves them, too, and here the drink Don the Beachcomber would cut off after two servings comes not in the usual tropical-sunset flavor (pineapple and grenadine dissolving into each other pinkly) but in an awesome and much more biologically plausible anoxic blue (Bols Blue) and gory red (maraschino leavings) that sweeten the taste and terrify the eye. Sadly, open-container laws prevent the customer from making like Roky Erickson and taking a walk with the cocktail—instead, this is a drink to be enjoyed in the V Room’s darkest dark. V ROOM 918 E FOURTH ST | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.437.4396 // CHRIS ZIEGLER

Y
YERBA MATE
Supposedly Che’s rebels rated yerba mate as necessary a supply as ammo and iodine during years on the run—coffee couldn’t cut it but natural stimulant yerba mate was a social staple in the southern hemisphere, and although fresh supplies in Long Beach are a bit limited (you can buy it by the bag but it’s rarer by the hot cup) the Village Grind keeps it as an option on the menu. It’s greener than coffee and stronger than tea and activates the same part of your brain targeted by ineffective MAOI drugs and might have a healthier effect. A wise revision to your wake-up routine. THE VILLAGE GRIND 443 E FIRST ST | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.432.4033 // CZ

X
X-RATED VACATION
Why have Sex on the Beach just anywhere when you can have an entire pornographic getaway with the X-Rated Vacation? If there were any more ingredients in this potion, it would be too graphic for print—Bacardi Coco rum doctored up with a dose of pink X-Rated Fusion liqueur, classy peach schnapps, Chambord raspberry liqueur and a splash of pineapple juice. As liquid lingerie goes, the X-Rated Vacation is shaken with ice and served in a skinny martini glass. You’ll feel pleasantly naughty when ordering it, blushed while sipping and dirty when you’re done. Only drawback is you’ll have to slip a $10 bill in the bartender’s g-string. PARKER’S LIGHTHOUSE 435 SHORELINE DR | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.432.6500 // JENNY STOCKDALE

W
WASHINGTON APPLE
Things go better with whiskey, and DeKuyper’s Sour Apple Pucker is no exception—consider the  Washington Apple, equal parts Crown Royal Canadian whiskey, Pucker, and cranberry juice. While the Pucker gives you the apple part, the whiskey somehow gives you the Washington: slows the whole thing down in your mouth, makes it infinitely less obnoxious than an Appletini (also made with Pucker), makes this a drink that’s really more D.C. than Washington state. CLANCY’S IRISH PUB & RESTAURANT 803 E BROADWAY | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.437.1836 // THEO DOUGLAS
WITCH DOCTOR
Unapologetic for being the least tiki of the beverages on the Puka Bar’s menu—surrounded by an army of mai tais, sea foam, and zombies—the Witch Doctor doesn’t have the good courtesy to taste fruity like its compatriots. Instead, this drink is here to help you forget your woes, forget where you are, and forget you’re drinking a glass of rum, lime juice and crème de menthe (topped off with splash of piña colada to give it all a nice creamy sickly green color). The first drink is smooth and crisp, thanks to the mint; the second, well, who cares; by the third, you are wondering where this drink has been your whole life. I don’t like piña coladas or care much for crème de menthe, but halfway through this elixir I had no choice but to become a minion of the Witch Doctor. Damn thing done saved my life. THE PUKA BAR 710 WILLOW ST | LONG BEACH 90806 | 562.997.6896 // DAVID STELZMULLER

V
VERY NUTTY IRISHMAN
The Very Nutty Irishman will make you feel silly and warm—kind of like free wine at a gallery opening, but now you’re tucked in the corner of a pub and sipping a warmed-up concoction of vodka, Frangelica and Bailey’s Irish Cream. The taste is, naturally, delicious (is Bailey’s ever not?) but the overall effect—read: buzz factor—is kicked up a notch by the vodka. Buzzed and warm—it’s a lovely feeling. GALLAGHER’S PUB AND GRILL 2751 E BROADWAY | LONG BEACH 90803 | GALLAGHERSLONGBEACH.COM // ELLEN GRILEY
VINCE’S TOKYO TEA
Move over Long Island, see you soon Long Beach—the Tokyo Tea (with vodka, rum, gin, tequila, triple sec and Midori) is by far the most ass-kickish of all the “Iced Tea” varieties. Ever so slightly medicinal at first, Tokyo is best after squeezing the accompanying lemon slice and cutting through the drink with a straw for a time or two. Be careful with a drink like this—one and done, friends. Any more than that and things could get sloppy. HOUSE OF HAYDEN 421 E FIRST ST | LONG BEACH 90802 // EG

U
URINAL MAT
This reclaimed water concoction takes a full night and a full bar to prepare. It requires all the residual beer, liquor, olive juice, bartender elbow sweat and lime rinds that may splash out onto the bar mat in random proportions on a busy night. When the house lights turn on and Frank Sinatra shuts the hell up, the bar mat is drained into a tall glass bucket, stirred and set before the wait staff. Usually gulped down on a bet for tips, the Urinal Mat is perhaps the only drink at Parker’s Lighthouse that reeks of a hockey locker room and glows in the dark like a fish from Long Beach Harbor. The only thing that would make this nightcap more appealing would, perhaps, be an old leather boot to drink it from. PARKER’S LIGHTHOUSE 435 SHORELINE DR | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.432.6500 // JS

T
TEQUILA
The Nugget on Anaheim Street is a classic midcentury joint: name spelled in neon, and angled windows that admit some—but not all—light. Inside, though, afternoon bar squire Carlos Torror says this is a shot-and-a-beer bar. And that shot is? “Tequila,” Torror says. And not just any tequila, either. “A lot of tequilas. Patron, Don Julio, Sauza.” Make ours a double, and we’ll actually toast this place, which is so fetching on the outside that local artist Sandow Birk painted it on one of his canvases. THE NUGGET 472 W ANAHEIM ST | LONG BEACH 90813 | 562.590.3276 // TD

S
SANGRIA
Sangría is the perfect mascot for Cha Cha’s vibe: glamorous and a but also something your mother likes drinking when she’s ready to get her buzz on. When I ask the bartender if he’d reveal the recipe, he responds suspiciously, “I can tell you what’s in it, but not how much of each ingredient.” So, spiced rum, triple sec, brandy, boxed red Cabernet, frozen strawberries (which recently replaced brown sugar in the recipe) and fresh apples and oranges are compiled in five-gallon containers. The result is a full-bodied, fruity, not-too-sweet concoction that will make your head zing. It’s not as heavy as beer, not as intense as hard liquor—the perfect drink for late afternoons in late summer. CHA CHA’S 762 PACIFIC AVE | LONG BEACH 90813 | 562.495.4242 // KATY DAVIDSON
SHOOT THE ROOT
Next time you sense the fellas are up for a bender of the Jägerbomb variety, try your best to redirect the party to Shannon’s Bayshore Saloon. There, you can order a Shoot-the-Root (one shot of root beer schnapps dropped in a glass of Coors Light), which sort of looks like a Jäger bomb but tastes a hell of a lot better. Sip it slowly or give it the old glug-glug, it doesn’t matter: Your taste buds’ll swear it’s a root beer-flavored New York Seltzer. SHANNON’S BAY SHORE SALOON 5335 E 2ND ST | LONG BEACH | 90803 | 562.433.5901 // EG
SKIP & GO NAKED
The Skip & Go Naked is 16 ounces of liquid love—Absolut vodka, sweet and sour and grenadine, topped off with a dollop of the coldest Coors Light in town (28.7° F). Sounds weird, but it’s refreshing—enlightening, even. FRISCO’S 4750 LOS COYOTES DIAGONAL | LONG BEACH 90815 | 562.498.FOOD // JS

R
RANAE’S DELICIOUS COZY
Sweet, but not too girly; sour, yet not too swishy; this is a well-disguised glass of poison that not only will keep you going but keep you steady, too. Which is to say that it probably has a lot of clear liquor in it—as opposed to whiskey—and that’s good. Steady is good. And Ranae is, too, mainly because when you forget the drink’s name the next time round—“I’d like a, uh, Lovely and Amazing?”—she’ll bring you one, anyway. All it takes is one sip to remember. FERN’S COCKTAILS 1253 E FOURTH ST | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.436.2123 // EG

Q
THE QUESTION MARK
Bartender Pam Scott has a frosty beverage she’s been fine-tuning for about a year—and it still doesn’t have a name. “It’s kind of a summery drink,” Scott says. She blends equal parts coconut rum, banana rum and creme de banana with strawberry puree to taste, then adds three packets of sugar and a dash of sweet-and-sour mix. Add a splash of pineapple juice and whipped cream, then turn on your blender. Last, top it with whipped cream. Then, maybe add a name? GODMOTHER’S 302 W SEVENTH ST | SAN PEDRO 90731 | 310.833.1589 // TD

P
PABST BLUE RIBBON
Somehow, this is the coldest, freshest PBR draft in town, served at the city’s oldest saloon. Other bartenders will blather about their NASA-surplus beer-chilling systems—and maybe Joe’s has one too. But don’t remind us. We’ll just have a Special and a beer and watch some sports, under the beer-can airplane (also PBR). Because drinking your brew from a frosty 4-pound schooner in a 1924 bar—while an old guy talks at you and a stuffed deer head looks on—makes it that much cooler. JOE JOST’S 2803 E ANAHEIM ST | LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.439.5446 | JOEJOSTS.COM // TD
PINEAPPLE UPSIDE-DOWN CAKE SHOT
“We do the sweeter drinks, ’cause you know, we’re sweeter,” says Crow’s afternoon pourer Deanna Meyer, who’s on deck Monday through Wednesday. For her girlfriend Delene Fedder, also a Crow’s bartender, that’d mean multiple shots of the Blondheaded Slut—a shot of Southern Comfort and a secret blend of fruit juices. For Meyer it’s the Pineapple Upside-Down Cake Shot: a shot-and-a-half of Vanilla Absolut, half a shot of triple sec, a splash of pineapple juice and a splash of 7-Up. And then you drink it, darling! CROW’S COCKTAILS 5728 E SECOND ST | LONG BEACH 90803 | 562.433.8936 // TD

O
OLD MARY
Bacardi and cranberry (plus orange wedge) make a pretty sweet sipper for sipping while the police boats smudge around the harbor. Sort of a shipboard cosmopolitan to match the mood left lingering around the deco fixtures and the anti-aircraft guns sad they won’t ever be fired in anger again. Related: the Royaltini, another purple cocktail that would look nice if someone in a simple dress was holding the glass. QUEEN MARY OBSERVATION BAR 1126 QUEENS HWY | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.435.3511 // CZ

N
NUCLEAR ICED TEA
It’s green. It’s mean. It’s of a completely different scene. I might have run out of things to rhyme with “green,” but I can tell you that Scotty’s Nuclear Iced Tea is not a drink to pass up. A modified Long Island—an ounce and a half each of rum, vodka, gin, tequila; a splash of triple sec; and an ounce and a half of sweet and sour and Midori—this concoction flows and glows with a very crisp-yet-pulverizing flavor. A nice juxtaposition of brute force and tongue-friendly taste. LIQUID LOUNGE 3522 E ANAHEIM ST | LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.494.7564 // ROB WALSH

M
MOSCOW MULE
The Moscow Mule—Grey Goose Vodka, Cock ‘n Bull ginger beer, and a generous squeeze of lime—is quite harmless in terms of any traceable metal aftertaste, but don’t be fooled—it’s deadly, with the flavor of the ginger beer neutralizing the Grey Goose. You could just as well be drinking soda water with a lime. THE COPPER ROOM 589 W NINTH ST | SAN PEDRO 90731 | 310.831.6200 // EG

L
LACEY’S CARROT CAKE MARTINI
Created by much-loved bartender Lacey, the Carrot Cake Martini is served in a pretty, cinnamon-rimmed martini glass filled with a very shaken, ice cold mixture of Goldschläger, butterscotch schnapps, and a heavy helping of whipped cream. Words like “sinful” and “decadent” immediately come to mind, but that’s only the whipped cream talking—the rest of the drink is straight out of a sorority house liquor cabinet, kind of like a clandestine little rager in your mouth. DAILY GRILL 1 WORLD TRADE CTR | LONG BEACH 90831 | 562.753.2170 // EG

K
KETTE’S WATERMELON ROCKSTAR
Conventional wisdom used to say that mixing uppers and downers is a bad idea. Then Red Bull came into the world and suddenly, everyone was combining this crack in a can with vodka. Frat boys got a hold of the formula and—poof!—the Jägerbomb was born. I lament the day that the Jägerbomb was born, so I present to you now this alternative, sure to quiet the unending notes of “Bro-hymn.” Bartender Kette’s Watermelon Rockstar is as tasty as a summer treat. It’s sticky and sweet, pretty in a dull pink. The shot is a shaken mix of peach schnapps, Watermelon Pucker, and Strawberry Stoli. Drop that into a glass of made-to-be-a-mixer, guava flavored Rockstar, and there you have it: the antidote to an overdose of SoCal machismo. BLONDIES 2259 N LAKEWOOD BLVD | LONG BEACH 90814 | 562.498.2661 // MEGAN BRESCINI

J
JÄGERBOMB
If you’ve been to Turc’s and haven’t watched someone getting a blowjob in the corner, you haven’t had the full experience. Geriatric bikers and Harbor House’s swing shift waitresses combine in the muddy wood hole on PCH to make it a hotspot of the obscene. Everyone is either in love or in hate and both make for good, stiff drinks. Not more than two minutes after I turned 21, the phone at Harbor House rang and the voice on the other end of the line told me there was a birthday Jäger-bomb waiting for me on the end of the bar next door. With my apron covered in Oreo shake leftovers and my hands reeking of ranch dressing, I dropped the shot of Jägermeister into the glass of Red Bull and pounded my first legal drink. I was halfway back across the Rio Grande before I had a chance to swallow the monstrosity, and with no food in my stomach‚ I spent the next hour saying, “How do you want your eggs?” with the slightest birthday slur. TURC’S 16321 PACIFIC COAST HWY | SUNSET BEACH 90742 | 562.592.2311 // SARAH BENNETT

I
INCREDIBLE HULK
Named after the big green monster himself, the Incredible Hulk cocktail is sure to appease your taste buds. Although it was originally created for the hip-hop crowd by Victor Alvarez, a bartender at Sean “Diddy” Combs’ New York restaurant Justin’s, the drink is becoming a favorite amongst socialites and underground junkies alike. Sporting sophisticated yet powerful Hennessy cognac (brown) in a tranquil one-to-one blend with the fruity Hpnotiq cognac/vodka liqueur (bright blue) the Hulk bears a strong green hue. But don’t be fooled by its fruity shades—like the superhero, it packs a mean punch. Alcohol mixed with alcohol on the rocks—it smells a lot worse than it tastes, but it tastes just like one would expect: sweet and tangy with a nice little kick and a soothing and strong aftertaste. V2O serves the Incredible Hulk in a brandy snifter, but just because it looks fruity and feminine doesn’t mean it is weak. A couple of these in your system and you just might end up busting your seams while dancing on a table. V2O THE VENUE 81 AQUARIUM WAY | LONG BEACH 90802 | 866.402.5828 | V2OLONGBEACH.COM // SRIKANTH ASHOKKUMAR

H
HALLUCINATION SHOT
The Hallucination Shot is a delightful-for-those-who-can-handle-it combination of hazelnut Kahlua, milk and absinthe, the barely legal liquor that may or may not have skewed van Gogh’s madness toward ear-slicing territory. Despite absinthe’s infamy, it puts this foaming formula for fun on par with a White Russian—should the Russian decide to vacation in the Swiss Alps and pick up some steroids for improved skiing performance. If you can withstand the Hallucination Shot’s initial potent blast (no upchuck allowed) this combination of all things holy/unholy reveals a cool and minty aftertaste, kind of like eating a hundred booze-soaked York Peppermint Patties. HASKELL’S PROSPECTOR 2400 E SEVENTH ST | LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.438.3839 // ADAM PRINGLE

G
GINGER LYCHEE MARTINI
Cold, sweet, and fragrant, the Ginger Lychee Martini (with Ketel One vodka) goes down smooth, but it’s the dash of fresh-ground black pepper sprinkled on top just before it’s served that gives a savory balance and keeps the infusion of ginger and lychee liqueurs from taking you into candyland. The pepper also deliveres a nice, pungent, nose-tickling, head-clearing kick, readying your palate for adventures (flavor and otherwise) to come. BONO’S 4901 E SECOND ST | LONG BEACH 90803 | 562.434.9501 // MELISSA BALMER

F
FIDEL
555 East’s Fidel might as well be dressed in fatigues: a tropical concoction that derives as much personality from its dictatorial namesake as it does its gentle mix of crème de banana and Absolut vodka. But after a few sips, the drink’s smooth beginnings fade into a more powerful persona befitting what’s now an ever-so-timely drink. Even more fitting, however, is the Fidel’s place among the bar at 555 East, a high-end spot in the classical sense where, namesake or not, the Fidel blends right in, a vacation of a drink that puts you in a Havana state of mind. 555 EAST 555 E OCEAN BLVD | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.437.0626 // MILES CLEMENTS

E
ECLIPSE
Orange juice for bite, fruit punch for sweetness and lemonade to keep the two from chain reaction, Roscoe’s Eclipse is a layered drink made for chasing chicken legs in the summertime that’s a little tastier than lemonade and a lot thinner than orange juice, which is sort of poisonous anytime besides breakfast. Recommended every time you skip the waffles. ROSCOE’S CHICKEN AND WAFFLES 730 E BROADWAY | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.437.8355 // CZ

D
DAYNA’S BLOODY MARY
A lot of sweaty ice makes a bad (and weak) Bloody Mary, and not enough horseradish makes an anemic Bloody Mary, and a couple flabby olives heaving against the cocktail straw makes an ugly Bloody Mary (and complicates my phytochemical intake), and Dayna does none of those bad things. Her afternoon meal floats a traditional garnish—celery and olive and maybe something else; not a side salad that clogs up the drink—over a classically proportioned mix. Stiff enough to make the point, strong enough to hold the straw straight up, not too sweet (the tomato) or too stringent (the Tabasco) and confidently heavy enough that dinner understands not to stop by later—you’re busy. THE RED ROOM 1229 E FOURTH ST | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.432.4241 // CZ

C
CACTUS COCKTAIL
Thanks to resident mixer Reid Kinnett for this custom cactus concoction: El Presidente brandy, sour mix, dashes of something and something else—maybe some tequila in there, too?—and then the prickly pear cactus syrup I bring back from Arizona to color and taste. Looks like purple lemonade, tastes like pink lemonade; an actually palatable and enjoyable little invention from the guy who made up the Abandoned Couch variation that starts by sterilizing pocket change with flaming 151. HASKELL’S PROSPECTOR 2400 E SEVENTH ST | LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.438.3839 // CZ
CUCUMBER MARTINI
This mix of vodka, simple sugar, 7-Up, mint, and cucumber juice is very unique and tasty, though if you’re a salty gal, you might wish for more of the naturally savory flavor of the cucumber. As it is, this is like sipping a refreshing (vodka) mojito with a cucumber aftertaste. Not for everyone, yes, but it works and gets bonus points for creativity. Definitely recommended. TANTALUM 6272 E PACIFIC COAST HWY | LONG BEACH 90803 | 562.431.1414 // EG

B
BABY BLUE
A solution to your woes: the Babyblue, a gentle concoction of Stoli Strawberry, Island Blue Pucker, sweet and sour and 7-Up that appears before you as a translucent glass of sky-colored goodness. This is the sort of drink that puts a warm and friendly arm around your shoulder, with a taste that’s delicate—not weak. It goes easy down the gullet—sweet, but your manhood will remain intact. IGUANA KELLEY’S 4306 E ANAHEIM ST | LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.434.0447 // RW
BLOODY CAESAR
The Bloody Mary becomes the Bloody Caesar in the hands of bartender Sandy Marchioli, when she uses Clamato. “It’s kind of a secret I’ve taken from bar to bar with me,” says Marchioli, who works Monday nights and Wednesday and Thursday afternoons. “At the old bar [San Pedro’s Village Pub] I used to serve it with a raw oyster.” Here at the Indian, the Caesar comes with a green olive garnish, a wedge of Persian lime, and the regulars: A-1 steak sauce, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco and celery salt. INDIAN ROOM 952 S PACIFIC AVE | SAN PEDRO 90731 | 310.514.3511 // TD
BOB’S PERFECT MANHATTAN
Bob the bartender calls me a “rookie” when I ask for a whiskey sour and then slaps me sideways with the Perfect Manhattan: rye whiskey, sweet vermouth and dry vermouth, shaken then served in a cocktail glass with a cherry on top. This $5 drink is pretty yet potent, sassy yet strong. It’s a girly drink like ex-wrestler Chyna Doll is girly—and just as liable to knock you on your ass. So, sip it with your pinky out, eat the swollen cherry and pretend you’re impressed when your friend ties the stem in a knot with her tongue. It’ll make Bob proud, but he still won’t smile. O’CONNELL’S COCKTAILS 2746 E FOURTH ST | LONG BEACH 90814 | 562.433.5068 // MB
BRANDY ALEXANDER
Who says you can’t drink your dessert? Brandy Alexander is a hit: like a chocolate malt with alcohol, a friend says, in a chilled glass with a whipped cream lining. The mixture of Christian Brothers brandy and crème de cacao would go just lovely with a slice of pumpkin pie on a cool September night, but it works perfectly any other time, too. LASHER’S 3441 E BROADWAY | LONG BEACH 90803 | 562.433.0153 // EG

A
ABANDONED COUCH
Only dim memories of this piece-of-work in a glass—of it going down easy, and taking us with it. (Probably right after we made the mistake of telling Alex’s frequent nighttime bartender Lulu Aphessetche that we didn’t feel buzzed at all.) Lulu’s version of this cocktail—from a name District staffers came up with last year—mixes equal parts Crown Royal and Southern Comfort whiskeys with Stolichnaya vodka, Chambord, Amaretto, and pineapple and cranberry juices. Shake it in a shaker, and blotto! ALEX’S BAR 2913 E ANAHEIM ST | LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.434.8292 // TD
ABSINTHE
First of all, I did it wrong. A friend and I tried to recreate the Johnny-Depp-sweaty-in-a-bathtub ritual, as seen in From Hell. Quiet down all you absinthe snobs—I’ll do it however Johnny asks. Nonetheless, lighting the sugar cube on fire is a totally unnecessary (and modern) ritual performed with herbless bohemian-style absinthe. We drank Lucid Absinthe Supérieure, and it’s the real thing, full of the intense licorice flavor of anise that gives the drink its characteristic crystal green tint. And if you do it right—pour cold water over a spoon with the sugar cube—it will magically change from a clear liquid to a potent opaque cloud, the sugar cube dissolving to add some much needed sweetness. I know what you’re thinking. This is all very interesting, but you want to know if I found the green fairy. Lucid Absinthe is 62% alcohol. That’s a 120 proof green drink staring back at me, and when my friend said she didn’t like it, what was I supposed to do? Not drink her glass as well? Two glasses and 10 minutes later I was feeling all kinds of funny; be it the booze or the little green nymph, it’s all trip the light fantastic to me. THE PIKE BAR AND GRILL 1836 E FOURTH ST | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.437.4453 // MB

Tags: absinthe, alochol, booze, drinks, drinks of the week, Long Beach