Long Beach’s best and brightest drinkslingers take us for a test toast

PHOTO by LEE MEREDITH

We stole the idea for our first-ever Drinks Issue from a guy who doesn’t drink, and—as can be expected when your sole task for the week is to write about booze, beer, and bartenders—things quickly became a lot foggy from there. The original concept—take three drink names, then approach our bartender pals and let them mix recipes to match the moniker—succeeded only halfway: we got as far as the names. So, meet the Abandoned Couch, the Drive-by Shooter, and the Stinkweed. The second half—the one involving which bartenders, what kinds of drinks, and how many recipes each bartender could make, well, let’s just say this: you don’t tell a bartender “no.” And you certainly don’t tell them to stop. Not even when she accidentally lights the bar on fire. Or pours chipotle pineapple syrup down your throat. And especially not when he takes some change out of his pocket, douses it in 151, lights it on fire (note: bartenders like fire), and throws it in your drink. No, you drink (which we did) and then pocket the recipe (and the change). And then fall down. No, really—just ask Theo. Ow!

LIVE AND LET LIVER: LULU APHESSETCHE’S WICKED COMBINATIONS

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

Awww, whaddaya say to someone who kicks your ass so consistently? Well, don’t say what I said to Lulu Aphessetche, a powerhouse French-Basque bartendrix, who (before she came to Clancy’s and Alex’s Bar) was a drink-slinger and act-booker at Linda’s Doll Hut: Don’t tell her “I don’t even feel buzzed yet,” because as quick as she can mix something deadly, you’ll be peeling the organ-donor dot off your driver’s license. Oh, what the hell—here’s another round.

Abandoned Couch

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

Combine equal amounts of Crown Royal whiskey, Southern Comfort whiskey, Stolichnaya vodka, Chambord, Amaretto, and pineapple and cranberry juices. Mix well in an iced cocktail shaker, then enjoy responsibly. Yummers! Lastly, go to the Fourth Street vintage district, buy one of those old-timey ice bags—and use it!

Drive-by Shooter

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

Fill a lowball glass with hard cider (your brand), and a splash of DeKuyper Sour Apple Pucker. Pour a shot of 151-proof Bacardi rum separately, and light it. Drop the flaming shot into the lowball glass. Blow it out first, then drink ’er down. Mmm, light and frothy! Next, find a heavily-padded horizontal surface on which to lie. You’ll need it.

Stinkweed

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

Combine equal amounts of Jägermeister and Fernet Branca and agitate in a chilled cocktail shaker. Serve and enjoy. Tastes mature and restrained—like an angry local who could floor you for looking at his woman but, oddly enough, doesn’t. Wait—there’s the floor. Found it.

ALEX’S BAR 2913 E ANAHEIM ST | LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.434.8292 // THEO DOUGLAS

AYE, CHEF: RANAE GRIEGO’S TASTY RECIPES WILL MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN. A LOT

PHOTO by JOHN GILHOOLEY

Folks love Fern’s bartender Ranae Griego for lots of reasons: her smile, her deftness (“Like a New York bartender!” my New York friends always say), those cute freckles on her nose. I love Ranae for the simple reason that whenever I ask her to make me something new, she always responds the same way—the correct way: “Well, what do you feel you like?” And whether it’s rum or whiskey or something entirely more wicked—like water!—the result is always damn, damn delicious. (Even the water! Damn!) When I challenged her with the Abandoned Couch, Ranae came up with six—six!—recipes. Then she kept four to herself—presumably for future use under a different name—and dubbed the runner-up Mr. Belvedere. It’s a fancy drink, a coffeeshop drink, half espresso vodka and half Chai cream tea liqueur—the kind of thing Belvedere would serve you in the study. And it tastes like 1,000 Christmases.

Abandoned Couch

PHOTO by JOHN GILHOOLEY

“The first thing I thought of was cat piss,” says Ranae. “That’s how abandoned couches smell: cat piss. And grapefruit juice has always tasted to me like how cat piss smells.” But the splash of grapefruit juice comes last; before that, there’s an ounce-and-a-half of Knob Creek, an ounce-and-a-half of Apple Pucker, and an ounce of chipotle pineapple syrup. Throw all three over some ice, add the cat-piss juice, and shake it up. “Now, an abandoned couch never leaves,” explains Ranae. “It stays outside your house for weeks and weeks, so I needed something that would linger—a taste that wouldn’t go away.” Cue the chipotle syrup, which slow-burns in your stomach well after your glass is empty. “And the whiskey,” Ranae laughs, is because “you have to be fucked up to sleep on an abandoned couch!” It’s the Pucker, though, that ties it all together—because sometimes you miss that old couch. It was kind of sweet. Like Pucker, which turns a drink named for an eyesore into something so oddly sugary—and refined—you could serve your wealthy great Aunt Sally. If she only knew.

FERN’S COCKTAILS 1253 E FOURTH ST | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.436.2123 // ELLEN GRILEY

MIXING HIS RESUME: SEAN BARRON CAN RUN A BAR, COOK A FULL MENU, OR DO STAND-UP—SO THREE LITTLE DRINKS ARE NO PROBLEM

PHOTO by LEE MEREDITH

He works Sunday nights at Clancy’s, so you’d expect Sean Barron to want his own bar. But no, he wants to open a barbecue restaurant; and with that in mind, he recently took a second job cooking at Limerick’s in Naples Island. It’s good experience, Sean says—and it pays the bills. And until he turns his full attention to a menu somewhere, there’s always Sundays at Clancy’s, where between serving drinks he polishes his own comedy act. To his limber mind, three new drinks were no problem.

Abandoned Couch

PHOTO by LEE MEREDITH

“Most couches are green and dirty,” Sean says, so he starts with a Vodka-Seven: a shot of Vodka, then 7-Up to taste. Add a splash of Midori melon liqueur for the green, and then muss it up with a dash of Worcestershire sauce. And serve! Tastes like a lovely young Vodka drink with an old soul.

Drive-by Shooter

PHOTO by LEE MEREDITH

This one’s like a Tequila Sour that was on the honor roll—but got a VW Rabbit convertible for its 16th birthday and wound up robbing a bank: a shot of tequila, plus sweet-and-sour mix to taste, and a splash of grenadine. Tastes like a tequila shot that’s been around the block (which it has).

Stinkweed

PHOTO by LEE MEREDITH

Another easy mixing challenge: blend equal parts of your favorite whiskey (Sean uses Jim Beam, a popular well whiskey) and our old friend 151-proof Bacardi rum. But you don’t light it, you drink it, and mostly all you taste is the whiskey. The rum just hits you in the back of the head.

CLANCY’S 803 E BROADWAY | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.437.1836 // THEO DOUGLAS

SHOULD IT BE DRINKABLE?: REID KINNETT

PHOTO by JENNIE WARREN

Reid Kinnett plays a Fender Rhodes and a bank of effects in Free Moral Agents—“Were you at that show at {open}?” he asks—but tonight he is the Friday-night man at the Prospector, and he attacks these made-up drinks with such discipline and precision that you have to wonder where he got so brutal with the bottle. Formal training? No, he smiles, but he started at the Crab Pot and then moved inland to learn a lot at Panama Joe’s. Now he’s prowling the top shelf and looking for Fernet Branca. “Alright,” he says. “You got me feeling creative. Should it be drinkable?”

Abandoned Couch
“I’m feeling leather—that’s something you get out of something that’d been aged in oak, which is whiskey,” says Reid. “Then garnish with pocket lint—or some quarters.” He scoops out an actual quarter from his front pocket and drops it in a cocktail glass, then tips in a little 151 and lights it with a borrowed match. Theoretically, the pocket quarter is now sterile, though everyone else at the bar is already asking if we’re really gonna drink that. “Now, is this an abandoned couch in Long Beach or an abandoned couch in Newport?” Reid asks. It’s his decision, so he gets Jim Beam—Long Beach—and Harvey’s and mixes 3:1, then adds two dashes of bitters and pours in the goo and juice from the bottom of the maraschino cherry tray. Then fill with soda water and drink. Sweet and easy with a subtle aftertaste, like waking up with your mouth half-open on a couch cushion. Recommended!

Drive-by Shooter
Cruzan Black Cherry Rum and Tropical Pucker and grenadine. “I tried to think of something as much like Kool-Aid as possible, since that’s the most ghetto drink there is,” says Reid. “And the grenadine is the blood.” Looks like curing Jell-O, goes down like nothing. Sort of a sorority shot, but with a grimmer backstory.

Stinkweed
A martini that’s half Jägermeister and half Galliano, though Reid wishes he could find some Fernet Branca for the perfect suggestion of herbaceousness. Instead, Jäger is for the “brown stinky” color and the Galliano for the vegetative base; shake and pour as a chilled martini. The Jäger strangles the Galliano, so it tastes like weedy licorice—probably like it should.

THE PROSPECTOR 2400 E SEVENTH ST | LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.438.3839 | PROSPECTORLONGBEACH.COM // CHRIS ZIEGLER

ANCHORS AWEIGH: KAREN VILCSEK SERVES DRINKS ON THE HIGH SEAS

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

Karen Vilcsek is from Northern California, but it doesn’t look like she’ll be heading back there anytime soon: she’s simultaneously a bartender for Catalina Express and a photographer’s assistant—and on some of her nights off, a regular hand in the United Poker Players of Long Beach. No telling how long she can keep it up. Karen has a photography degree from Cal State Long Beach, so some time in the next 70 years she might conceivably decide to hang up her epauletted Catalina Cruises blouse. Which would be a crime, because then she’d only be kicking your ass at cards. Here’s her take on The District’s libations:

Abandoned Couch

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

Equal parts Jose Cuervo tequila, Jack Daniels, and Kahlua. Float Bailey’s on the top, and toss the whole mixture in a shaker over ice. Serve in a lowball glass. Tastes dark and powerful—the way King Kong would if he were a cocktail.

Drive-by Shooter

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

Line yourself up three shots: one of Jose Cuervo, one of a chilled vodka of your choice, and one of Bloody Mary mix with spicy green bean juice and fresh-squeezed lime juice to taste. Drink ’em in that order and consider yourself lucky this ain’t a Tequila Stuntman.

Stinkweed

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

Pour yourself a generous shot of Jose Cuervo over ice—you deserve it. Squeeze in two lime wedges, and add Tabasco to suit. Shake in a wee bit of celery salt. Garnish with a spicy green bean. It’s like a Mexican Bloody Mary without the Bloody Mary mix, but it still makes you say “Dios Mio!”—or an epithet of your choice.

CATALINA EXPRESS CATALINAEXPRESS.COM // THEO DOUGLAS

Tags: abandoned couch, alex's bar, catalina express, clancy's, drinks, drive-by shooter, fern's cocktails, Long Beach, prospector, stinkweed