PHOTO by JOHN GILHOOLEY

Tues | Apr 3 The Cal State University system announces it’s reached a tentative salary agreement with its faculty, boosting their pay about 21 percent over the next four years. The faculty had threatened a series of rolling strikes at rotating campuses, “rolling strikes” being labor vernacular for not showing up for class on a regular basis, an activity many of us know by its original moniker: chem lab. Lecturers, who do a lot of the teaching, will now earn as much as $66,000 a year, or what a UPS driver makes—before he achieves the much-coveted job of asking, “Can you describe the missing package?” Still, great. I’m glad for the teachers, profs, whatever. They apparently must be pretty good for the administration to pay them. It’s not like when I attended Cal State Long Beach in the ’80s. Most of those people were either part of a prison work-furlough system or, worse, Unitarians.

Wed | Apr 4 I attend press day for the Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach’s celebrity race. Besides the usual shock of seeing celebrities in person and discovering how tiny and, in many cases, battery-operated, most of them are, I come face-to-cloying-face with something far more shocking: the celebrity press. I immediately acquire great respect for Lindsay Lohan and would like to buy her her next eight drinks. You have never met a more sycophantic group of creepy mouth-breathers than the celebrity press—you know, unless you attended Cal State Long Beach in the early ’80s. I had to watch these pests “interview” celebrities, asking such penetrating questions as “So, do you like cars?” before ending each interview by asking for an autograph and getting a picture with the celeb. I haven’t witnessed such an embarrassing display of sycophancy since the run up to the Iraq War. All that said, George Lucas has tremendous hair.

Thurs | Apr 5 The Queen Mary’s reputation has gotten so embarrassing that she can’t give it away—not to Long Beach residents, anyhow. The people who run the boat had planned to “offer” Long Beach residents free admission to the “attraction” all through April to “celebrate” the thing’s showing up 40 years ago. But the State Lands Commission, which is in charge of the land on which Mary stews, rules that it’s unfair that Long Beach residents be singled out—that it’s only fair that all Californians should have to share the burden of free admission to the Queen Mary. It’s kinda like taking care of a sick friend, incapable of progress and smelling of dead fish and industrial solvents. You know, like Ann Coulter.

Fri | Apr 6 Turning our attention to a place people actually want to go, Disney announces that its theme parks will now open their wedding facilities to same-sex couples. That’s right: gay and lesbian couples can now have commitment ceremonies using Disney marriage pavilions and horse-drawn, glass-enclosed carriages, something that had been limited to straight people with marriage licenses and no taste. Many, of course, are outraged that Disneyland, with its manly princess castles, show-tune singing antiques and rides celebrating leotard-clad, gender-confused boy-men who maintain large caches of runaway boys in furry costumes would be subject to such gaiety. Still, the change is here and, as expected, first in line to take advantage were long time companions Chip ‘n Dale. The couple said they were thrilled at the opportunity and only wished their close friends Cary Grant and Randolph Scott could have attended.

Sat | Apr 7 I may have mentioned earlier that I attended Cal State Long Beach and, not that the experience scarred or embittered me, but I’m always shocked when the school does anything remotely right, which is why I still do an Oliver Hardy-like double take every time I go to the Pyramid or Carpenter Center. Anyway, it happened again today as the school presented its new men’s basketball coach, Don Monson. Monson was greatly responsible for the emergence of Gonzaga as a premier college hoops power. He moved on to Minnesota, where he had a very respectable 118-106 record in six seasons, and saw the Gophers reach a post-season tournament five times. He takes over for Larry Reynolds, who led the 49ers to the NCAA tournament this year but whose program is under investigation for possible recruiting violations—perfect, since Monson took over a tainted program at Minnesota and righted it. Plus, Monson’s Gonzaga teams made it to the Elite Eight, something Long Beach could do. There is plenty of local talent available, with powerful high school programs such as Poly, Artesia, Dominguez and Mater Dei all within a half hour of the campus. This could be great, you know, until the Pyramid collapses.

Sun | Apr 8 The New York Times’ Escapes section takes a look at some Southern California piers, because, as all real Californians know, piers are where we escape to when we don’t have enough rotting-fish smell in our lives. The Times talks about the San Clemente and Newport Beach piers, but it’s what it says about the Huntington Beach Pier that is noteworthy: “The area of Huntington Beach around Huntington Pier, a fairly bleak spot between swampland filled with rocking oil derricks and the ocean, can look a little forbidding on a gray winter day.” What, New York Times, did you hire someone from the Huntington Beach Visitors Bureau to write up that little love note or are you just trying to get into the Huntington Beach Pier’s pylons? The piece ends its discussion of Huntington Beach by saying “the whole human panoply is here.” I’m not sure what a human panoply is, but I think Disneyland will now let you do it without a marriage license.

Mon | Apr 9 You’re welcome.

Tags: disneyland, grand prix, Queen Mary