Tues | Jan 29 We live in a world of uncertainty. The economy is good, then it’s bad. The stock market is down in the morning, up in the afternoon. Iraq? God knows (I mean that.) The next President? Is it the woman? The black guy? The white dude? The other white dude with the Easter Island head? We live in turmoil people, so thank God there’s at least one thing we can all depend on: the never-ending excellence that is the New England Patriots. I tell ya, the fact that the Patriots’ hard work and discipline is rewarded week after perfect week is all the proof I need to believe in a just God, and that the world is a kind and loving place. I mean, if I couldn’t believe in that, if something, I dunno, something awful and bizarre were to happen, I don’t know, the Patriots losing to the New York Giants in the Super Bowl, I don’t know what I’d do. Well, actually, I do, because I have detailed plans for just such a scenario which I keep with me at all times. That and gum.

Wed | Jan 30 George W. Bush visits the Robinson Helicopter Company in nearby Torrance and tells the assembled workers, “You’re good at making helicopters.” Breathtaking. Bush came to Robinson to talk about the challenges facing the American economy. Yes, the President acknowledged, there are people worried about losing their homes, and losing their jobs and  worried that Social Security won’t exist when, and if, they can retire. Fear not, he told us, rest easy in the knowledge that all will be well: America is good at makin’ helicopters. As you can expect, Bush’s inspirational words inspired many of the workers who found the whole thing very inspiring. Workers were heard to comment “When is this dude going to go away?” and “Doesn’t he have a supermarket to open?”

Thurs | Jan 31 Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney comes to Long Beach, visiting with Greg and Charlene Bennett after they were assured that the gargantuan-headed former Governor would not eat them. The Bennett’s have some young kids and they bounded into the room prompting Romney to talk his own kids—he has five but says one of the few regrets in his life was not having more. He also talks about the pranks he and his kids would pull on each other like putting “Saran Wrap over the toilet.” Isn’t that what got Chuck Berry into trouble?

Fri | Feb 1 My son was watching the season premiere of Lost yesterday. Today, while I drove him to school he filled me in on what’s going on. It seems that there are these people on an island which may or may not actually be an island but maybe a metaphor for God’s love or sweaty clothes. Most amazingly, the people, who may or may not actually exist, have all been on this island for months, maybe years, yet none of their hair has grown a bit and nobody seems to notice, probably because they are too busy working on their abs. Yeah, I know. Still, it makes more sense than helicopters being the key to our economy. See, it’s stuff like this that makes me so grateful that I have the steadying rock that is the New England Patriots or, as I have come to call them, my tenuous tether on sanity without which I would no doubt wreak a terrible vengeance on this world, starting with that supermarket checker who’s always mad-dogging me.

Sun | Feb 3 Kids?! Kids?! Have you seen Daddy’s vengeance plan? What? You remember, Daddy’s special plan of reprisal and retribution upon who number many as do their sins—I’m looking at you non-attentive Auto Club customer service technician. Yay, verily I tell you that they will rue the day the birth as well as the day they served me that piece of “fish.” All of this having been made necessary by the tauntings of a trickster God who revels in my anxiety and having good teams lose and raising up Presidents obsessed with helicopters and men who would be President obsessed with poop pranks and populating whole counties with his seed. What? No, not that plan of vengeance and retribution, that plan is to be used in case the day ever comes when a Hannah Montana movie is number one at the weekend box office . . . WHAT?

Mon | Feb 4 Just a word about yesterday’s Super Bowl victory by the New York Giants. A surprise? Yes. An upset? No. There are no more upsets in professional sports. Everything in professional sports is designed to even out competition so that the difference between the top and the bottom is miniscule and usually rectified by a couple of drafts and/or free agent signings. There hasn’t been a real upset in professional sports since David Justice broke up with Halle Berry.

Tags: easter island, george bush, hannah montana, iraq, Long Beach, Mitt Romney, New England Patriots, super bowl