Tues | Dec 18 The folks from the new Star Trek movie I’ll never see have packed up and left town after filming in Lincoln Park for a spell. The film crew’s presence gave thrilled locals the chance to gawk at bizarrely costumed aliens with other worldly pallor speaking a strange language, until they realized those weren’t actors but German tourists. One thing not seen around Lincoln Park were the homeless people who have kind of adopted the place. Filming forced the homeless out, which in turn sparked a debate, some of it on The District website, whether we should care about the homeless—“This is the USA . . . ‘get stuff’ by working hard” wrote RKJ; to which a HowardX replied: “RJK, thanks for the last 8 years, its been great.” It was a stunning reminder that the homeless argument has gone absolutely nowhere during the last couple of decades, especially since most people don’t consider it a problem anymore. That’s how we play things in ADD-land: A problem ceases being a problem once we have a telethon or put Tom Hanks in a movie about it. Homelessness? Solved; ditto, AIDS and racism. And then nooses start showing up at the Port of Long Beach and a report comes out that 25 percent of all the homeless are veterans and, well, I don’t know what to say, except that the homeless are not lazy louts and they are also not beautiful dreamers—they are usually mentally ill and I still blame Ronald Reagan for this.

Wed | Dec 19 By the way, I forgot to mention that they were filming the 11th Star Trek movie—talk about mental illness. I have proudly never seen any of the Star Trek movies, though I did see some of the TV episodes, my favorite being the one where Spock and Kirk go to couples counseling.

Thurs | Dec 20 We get sent a lot of things to the paper—CDs, self-published books, black tar heroin (“Ziegler, you got more mail”)—and lots and lots of press releases sent to us by public relations outfits trying to get their clients noticed. Most of the time they don’t succeed, but sometimes they don’t succeed spectacularly. Witness this first line of this release for . . . I have no idea what they were peddling: “We have a great timely story about rape victims.” Sold! That same day, we received a come-on from another PR firm who said their client is encouraging Hillary Clinton to act more like a lady. It begins: “For the first time in American history a woman is in prime position to become the nation’s next President.” First, saying Hillary Clinton is the first American woman with a chance at the White House is to totally ignore the Presidency of James Buchanan, not to mention the candidacy of Gary Bauer. The release goes on to say that the proof of how important it is to remain a “lady” in politics is none other than Margaret Thatcher. Margaret Thatcher is a lady the way RuPaul is a lady: for the cameras and with a penis.

Fri | Dec 21 I also like the Star Trek where Spock tries to do Kirk’s job to hilarious results while Kirk stays home and puts too much detergent in the washing machine. Captain Kirk! Not the whole box! Where do you think you are? The space laundry?

Sat | Dec 22 I’m sitting in a theater getting ready to watch the holiday classic I Am Legend because nothing says Christmas to me like a movie about a man who feels all alone in a world of toxic people (I was kidding about this, but, come to think of it  . . . ). Anyway, so I’m sitting there watching the “pre-show entertainment” or what we used to call commercials, and the band 3 Doors Down comes on and performs in a three-minute music video in honor of the National Guard. It shows the National Guard fighting at the birth of the nation, the National Guard rescuing male models from prison, the National Guard helping citizens during natural disasters. Funny, they didn’t show the National Guard being told their six-month tour in Iraq had been extended indefinitely, or the National Guard losing their job because their hitch had been extended indefinitely, or the National Guard being told by the Secretary of Defense to suck it when it comes to getting some decent body and vehicle armor. On the plus side, the song sucked.

Sun | Dec 23 A completely superfluous day.

Mon | Dec 24 I’ve always been more a Christmas Eve dude, so I’m giving you this early present. It’s from our own Theo Douglas, writing on The District website about, well . . . : “And with a new year upon us, it’s time for the 2008 color of the year—which according to the New York Times, will be Pantone’s blue iris No. 18-3943. Of course! It makes perfect sense. So suck on it, 2007 Pantone color Chili Pepper No. 19-1557! You are dead to us. In a week. (And yes, Pantone is pronounced ‘pant-one.’ Like that guy from that band who was on that show.)”

Tags: Hillary Clinton, i am legend, national guard, Star Trek