Tues | Dec 4 The Long Beach School Board votes 3-2 to ask board member Michael Ellis to resign immediately. Now, Ellis has his faults: He missed two of the last four meetings, got popped in August for a DUI and I’m not crazy about his goatee, but this is one of those deals when you consider supporting someone just because you don’t like who’s ganging up against him. In this case, it’s the Press-Telegram and the Long Beach Chamber of Commerce, Long Beach’s new version of Brangela (Brad Garrett/Angela Lansbury) what with the P-T’s publisher sitting on the Chamber’s board. This is the same Chamber of Commerce that recently announced it was going to start involving itself in school board elections. The P-T has written a couple of editorials calling Ellis a horrible role model and Chamber CEO Randy Gordon called him the worst school board member in the history of Long Beach. Really? Look, don’t get me wrong, Ellis sounds pretty befuddled, not to mention perplexed and hornswoggled, I mean this ain’t Nelson Mandela we’re talking about. But doesn’t the fact that we can’t remember any of the other bad school board members argue against them being role models? I could go on like this, but why should I when Theo Douglas already did on our website:
“Perhaps this reflects my own worldly ignorance, but during my entire time in Long Beach Unified School District—and we’re talking first through 12th grade (I skipped kindergarten and third grade)—I could not have named one school board member. My own role models in high school tended toward Edward G. Robinson, L.L. Cool J, and a little bit of Robert-Smith-of-The-Cure. School board members? Unlikely. Is Ellis truly the worst school board member ever? There wasn’t ever one school board trustee before Ellis who—and I’m making this up—ran over a Girl Scout in his Willys-Knight on the way to a Klan rally?”

Wed | Dec 5 The thing where Theo slipped in that he skipped third grade? See, that’s what I’m talking about.

Thurs | Dec 6 When new Congresswoman Laura Richardson proposed a resolution criminalizing the displaying of nooses, I must admit I thought it was a bit of grandstanding. I knew the noose had become increasingly popular as a symbol of terror against minorities, you know, like flying the stars and bars or saying you listen to KFI, but I didn’t think it was anything that affected us here. I thought, you know, it was only in ignorant, hateful places like the South, Deep South, South Adjacent and Boston. Well, it turns out we’ve been flying nooses with the worst of ’em. Five nooses have been found at the Long Beach and Los Angeles ports over the past few months. FIVE. Now, I think we can all agree that anyone who displays that kind of hatred also is showing a lot of stupid, but it turns out our local noosers are REALLY stupid, like “Yes, I will take the extended service warranty” stupid. These wads apparently lack the fine motor skills to hide what they’re doing, so they’ve hung their nooses from their own truck beds, from their rear view mirrors, one guy was even wearing a noose ON HIS T-SHIRT. You know, when I hear crap like this, it always helps to reflect on the words of Martin Luther King Jr., who said: “What is it with you crackers, anyways?”

Fri | Dec 7 And speaking of stupid, George W. Bush recently opened his mouth. Now, this time, he was actually attempting to do something good, but, of course, isn’t that always his excuse? So this time he was trying to give out a toll-free number to help people struggling to make their mortgage payments. But he gave out the wrong number—because he’s not smart—so instead of getting a mortgage counselor, callers were connected to Freedom Christian Academy, a Texas-based group that provides home-schooling material. Bush apologized for his mistake and then advised his fellow Americans to always get the extended warranty.

Sat | Dec 8 All haymakers and axes to the head.

Sun | Dec 9 We receive some awful things at The District—racist rants, self-published semi-autobiographical novels, self-published semi-autobiographical science fiction novels—but we may have received the single worst piece of written material ever this week. It came in response to a web article about a Catholic priest getting a prison sentence after pleading guilty to molesting two boys. In the piece, Will Swaim said the priest, Michael Baker, had raped the boys. The letter writer, who went by Bagoas, took exception, differentiating between molestation and rape. The beginning of the letter runs on our Letters page. Have a look! But that’s just a small, small part of it. There’s so much more, and it’s so much creepier. A sampling:
“The sensible boylover takes the law, irrational as it is, into account both for himself and any young person he cares about.” And, “If a 13-year-old boy can consent to have sex with another 13-year-old (legal in some states) why can’t he consent to have sex with older persons?” And, “Words are used to demonize boy lovers.” And, “The notion that an adolescent boy is harmed by consensual sexual activity is preposterous. It is ridiculous on the face of it. If he is harmed it is by the reaction of his parents and law enforcement.” And, “We might hope that people who are attracted to underage boys are not vilified or abused solely because that is their sexual orientation.” Let the retching continue.
Mon | Dec 10 Tomorrow never comes . . . you selfish bastard.

Tags: KFI, laura richardson, Long Beach, Long Beach Chamber of Commerce, long beach school board, mortgage payments, nooses, press telegram