THURS. NOV. 22: MMM, JUDI DENCH

Tues | Nov 20 Federal agents raid a medicinal marijuana facility on Fourth Street and get a bunch of cannabis and the comforting feeling that they are torturing the sick and dying—E Pluribus Unum, boys! The facility, which had the head shop-sounding name “Compassionate Caregivers,” is one of the facilities created by Prop. 215—or the “Compassionate Use Act”—which legalized the dispensing of marijuana to people who are sick and dying. The federal government, working under the principle of “Compassion Can Suck It” prefers that the sick and dying be sick and die, preferably in a lot of excruciating pain. The federal government believes that drugs are bad and that not even the sick and dying should have access to them unless the drugs are administered by a hospital or liquor store or WalMart. So they raided Compassionate Caregivers which had cleverly hidden what they were doing by putting up a big sign to say exactly what it is they were doing. Now, I’m not naïve enough to think that no one was abusing the generosity of Compassionate Caregivers. Yeah, I’m sure a couple of stoners got their pot—excellent pot, I’m told—there. But the Feds (oooh, I just felt all Steve McQueenish) cutting off the supply to a few potheads at the expense of the sick and dying is really horrible. Especially since the stoners know where else to find marijuana; it’s a little place called Everywhere Else. The only people the Feds hurt were the sick and dying. Do you know who they helped? Guys named Rick who sell pot out of their parents’ pool house. So, congratulations, federal agents. You’re pushing all of them—stoners, the sick and dying—to procure their drugs from criminals. The last time you did this it produced a little something called the Mafia. Of course, the Mafia produced a little something called Frank Sinatra, so let’s call it even.

Wed | Nov 21 The holidays are a time for miracles and we get one today as the United Nations radically lowers its estimates as to how many people are infected by the AIDS virus worldwide. In its report, the UN says that it overestimated by a whopping 40 percent how many people would be infected with the virus this year. Yes, it’s only 2.5 million. Yeah! Even better is that the report says that last year’s estimate that 40 million people were infected with AIDS was way, way, way too high. It’s only 33 million. Roughly the population of California. Or Canada. Oh, this is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever!

Thurs | Nov 22 Happy Thanksgiving! You know, on this day when we celebrate our families and friends who live in their parents’ pool houses, I’d like to tell you what I am really thankful for: Judi Dench. You know, there are people out there, evil people, who would like me to renounce my love of Dame Dench—Danch, to those closest to her. These people call themselves my friends or legal representatives of Judi Dench. I feel sorry for them, because they are incapable of understanding the pure love I have for Dench—Lonch—and I pledge to myself and all the voices in my head—including the one that keeps telling me to torch Candyland—that I will go on Lonching Danch until that day when I find Fred Thompson more attractive.

Fri | Nov 23 This week marked new Long Beach Congresswoman Laura Richardson proposing her first bit of legislation in the House of Representatives. Richardson proposes a resolution criminalizing the hanging of nooses. This is in reaction to the recent spate of nooses across the country. The noose has apparently become the chic symbol of intimidation and hate for racists, replacing the Confederate flag and Larry the Cable Guy bumper stickers. Nooses have popped up all over the South recently, most notably in Jena, Louisiana. But racism and the South go together like, well, racism and the South. What you may have missed is that nooses are plopping down in places such as Cal State Fullerton, where nooses were found hanging from trees—trees that were being used to hang T-shirts denouncing intolerance. Hundreds of students and teachers rallied against the nooses. Sumanah Mithani, a Cal State Fullerton junior who helped organize the anti-hate rally at Fullerton’s quad, said she was “extremely shocked” that “something like this could happen in central Orange County.” All of which begs the question: has Sumanah Mithani ever been to Orange County?

Sat | Nov 24 Rock, Chalk . . . splat.

Sun | Nov 25 Various feelings.

Mon | Nov 26 In other news from Washington D.C., doctors find that Vice President Dick Cheney has an irregular heartbeat. The condition was found while Cheney was being examined for a cough that wouldn’t go away. Cheney said he was surprised to find out he had an irregular heartbeat. Doctors said they were surprised to find out Cheney had a heart.

Tags: dick cheney, heartless, Judi Dench, laura richardson, medical marijuana, thanksgiving