TUES OCT. 23: FEMA IS HERE!

Tues | Oct 23 Welcome to hell. Yes, another day, another fire as about one million people are displaced and an area roughly the size of Rhode Island is scorched. Just as predictable as the wind fanning the flames has been the reaction of some of the nation to our hardship. You know, when bad stuff happens to New Yorkers, everyone talks about how tough New Yorkers are and they make a feature film about it. If bad stuff happens to people in the middle of the country, they talk about how brave they are, laud their pioneer stock and produce a made-for-TV movie about them. But when bad stuff happens to Southern California it’s because we’ve displeased God by allowing women to vote and drive cars. Well, in answer to that kind of trash, the Almighty has sent us a gift: FEMA IS HERE! Yes, FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency; saviors of New Orleans, the people who put the “pass” in compassion and pioneered such groundbreaking disaster relief methods as “Well, you should have thought of that before you decided to live in New Orleans/Southern California/a house that got leveled by a jet airliner.” And FEMA is already doing what FEMA does great: making sure everyone knows what FEMA does great. This morning the head of FEMA, David Paulison, spent his time managing the emergency by going on morning talk shows and telling everyone what a great job he and his agency are doing. “We’re going to make sure this operation runs as smoothly as possible given the size of this disaster.” I think the only way he could have qualified that statement anymore would have been to scream wild-eyed into the camera: “Stop, drop and roll!” Whew! I feel both managed and agencied. You?

Wed | Oct 24 On The District’s excellent blog, “Staff Infection,” Kevin Ferguson reports that there has been a small student walk-out at Cal State Long Beach. Apparently kids are exhorting other kids to “Walk out of class!” in preparation for the big anti-war rallies this weekend. You know, I think I may have mentioned that I attended Cal State Long Beach nearly 25 years ago during the turbulent ’80s (“U.S. Out of Grenada! Also, You’re Too Shy, Shy!”) I can tell you we had more than our share of students walking out of class—mostly from Chem Lab because that class was really hard. But hearing the crescendo of people demanding students leave class certainly rang true for me. I remember hearing that practically every week; someone telling me over and over to “get out of class.” Of course, those people were my teachers. They weren’t nice.

Thurs | Oct 25 Well, now we’re getting somewhere. Not only is FEMA here, but George W. Bush has shown up and assured us that he thinks FEMA is doing a great job. What could possibly go wrong? Only good things happen when Bush turns his golden touch to something, whether it’s Iraq, New Orleans or the Republican Party.

Fri | Oct 26 What did I tell you about these FEMA folks. They’ve been in town just a couple of days and already they’re making things better. For everyone. Even journalists. Today, FEMA officials admit they staged a “press conference” regarding the wildfires without actually having any “press” there. Now, while this has some thinking that FEMA officials did this to elude hard questions about their effectiveness, the rest of us know they did this out of concern for the members of the press who might be exhausted and overworked. Also, we tend to ask questions. So FEMA got a few of its own employees to pose as journalists—you know, like all the networks did during the run-up to the war—and had them pose questions to their bosses, the FEMA brass. Now don’t think because they were questioning their superiors the “journalists” held back. No, they threw such heaters as “What do you say to the charges that FEMA cares too much?” and “FEMA, can you teach us to love again?” FEMA officials referred both questions to staff.

Sat | Oct 27 Whittier College student Eric Rivera attempts to break the Guinness Book of World Records record for most hugs in an hour. He ends up falling short by 126 people but did hug more than 500. I admire Rivera for his effort and it reminded me of my own scams to get physical. Ah yes, the “Eeesh, my shoulders are tight, you mind giving me a massage?” and “Eeesh, this shirt is itching me, mind if I take it off?” and “Eeesh, these pants are itching me, mind giving me a massage?” We are the world, people.

Sun | Oct 28 The Boston Red Sox win the World Series. Somehow, they’re not so loveable anymore.

Mon | Oct 29 The fires are going away. Hey, who’s up for some drought?

Tags: FEMA, george w. bush, hell, Staff Infection, walkouts, whittier college, wildfires