FRI OCT. 5: FIRST GERALD, THEN OLIVER

Tues | Oct 2 In an effort to save old growth trees from the wood chipper, the Long Beach City Council votes 7-0 to look into creating “meandering sidewalks.” Older trees are many times cut down because they break up sidewalks due to their tendency to have enlarged roots—also, they take f-o-r-e-v-e-r to order at fast food restaurants. So, to keep the trees upright and neighborhoods beautiful, the city council will research creating sidewalks that curve and wind about the trees. This causes a dilemma for me. On the one hand, I support trees. I supported trees before it was fashionable, supported them when they made those ill-advised comments about President Bush overseas. But meandering sidewalks? What kind of message are we sending to the young sidewalks of today by rewarding these walkways that show little sign of direction or purpose? I mean, sure, we all meandered a bit in college. We were young and into experimentation—I still get birthday notes from a Finnish exchange student though I’ve made it quite clear I don’t like him like that . . . I’ve been very consistent about that, Thorvald.

Wed | Oct 3 Where was I going with that?

Thurs | Oct 4 Turns out your creepy neighbor who keeps using “party” as a verb was right. The cops do have quotas. Today, the commander of the LA County Lakewood Sheriff’s Station said he was wrong to permit competitions to see which deputies could arrest the most people, impound the most vehicles and interrogate the most gang members. Capt. David Fender chalked up the contests to poor judgment but said the competition was created for the right reasons, specifically a spectacular set of Calphalon cookware and a fabulous weekend of pampering at Glen Ivy Hot Springs. It’s not clear how much the contests affected deputies—if they, in fact, arrested people they would have normally let go. Still, reports have indicated that some, in an effort to interrogate the most “gang” members, resorted to grilling Cub Scouts and Kiwanis, the latter letting it slip that everybody just seems in such a rush these days.

Fri | Oct 5 Theo Douglas checks in: “Needing stamps—and anxious to see which of my neighbors already on the Megan’s Law database are also on the FBI’s Most Wanted list—I visit my local postal office. The clerk wheels them out—flowers, flags, something that looks like the aurora borealis (or a strange rash)—and then I see it, or, rather, him: Gerald Ford. On a stamp, with self-adhesive tape because you don’t want your Gerald Ford stamp falling off your letter, because it’ll do that—that and claim that Eastern Europe is not under Soviet control. Gerald Ford. Cracks me up. And the poor clerk, who’s older than I am—and should know better asks me, “Why do people always laugh?” It’s just hard to believe they put that dude on a stamp. I know he was our nation’s 38th president for, like, 12 minutes, but c’mon! Who’s next? Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch?”

Sat | Oct 6 You’re kidding. Stanford?

Sun | Oct 7 The Boston Red Sox defeat the Los Angeles Angels, 9-1, to complete a three-game sweep of their American League divisional series and cap a lovely 24-hour period in Southern California sports. In that time USC’s No. 2 ranked football team, a six touchdown favorite, lost to Stanford, a team that had won a single game this season. UCLA lost to previously winless Notre Dame. And now the Angels exit. What does this tell us? UCLA under Coach Karl Dorrell will continue to get up for big games, like last year’s upset of USC, but will under-perform against teams they should beat, like Notre Dame or Utah. The Angels? They’re going to be fine. They’ve reached that plateau (along with the Red Sox and Yankees) of teams that are not only competing for the playoffs but the World Series every season. They just ran into hot pitching. It happens. Ask the Yankees against the Diamondbacks and Marlins. And all is not lost for the Trojans. Currently, they’re ranked No. 10. But remember, they have games against teams ranked higher than them coming up—Oregon and Cal. Victories in each would slingshot them up, especially when weaker teams above them, say South Florida, South Carolina, West Virginia, lose. What USC fans have to root for is Ohio State to somehow lose in a very weak Big 10, because if the Buckeyes go undefeated, they’ll probably luck into a spot in the BCS championship game against LSU with the same ugly results as last season.

Mon | Oct 8 We learn that Senator Larry “Are you interested in consensual male-on-male bathroom sex or do you just have a wide stance?” Craig will be inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame. If there is any beauty in the world, Craig will be inducted into the hall by George Michael and he will be inducted repeatedly.

Tags: football, gerald ford, lakewood, meandering sidewalks, Sports