FRIDAY AUG. 10: JENNA AND LAURA BUSH, CHILDREN’S AUTHORS

Tues | Aug 7 A study released by the National Resources Defense Council today says that of Los Angeles’s six most-polluted beaches, five are located in Long Beach. Topping the list was Mother’s Beach, which violated state health standards 59 percent of the time, along with Colorado Lagoon, Horny Corner, and Feces the Size of Canoes Cove. This follows a recent study by Heal the Bay ranking Long Beach’s ocean water as the worst in the state. It also called our women standoffish and thick-ankled. Officials say Long Beach’s water is so bad that bathers, especially children, are susceptible to such maladies as nausea, rashes, and dissolving.

Wed | Aug 8 The latest issue of The District hits the street, and I notice that a Vector Control item I wrote lauding the OC Fair for attracting better musical acts over the last few years has been altered. The item originally ended with a really ripping joke, but the punchline got cut. Here’s how the item should have appeared:

“This year the series included the likes of Willie Nelson, Queens of the Stone Age, Earth, Wind & Fire, She Wants Revenge, Kenny Loggins, and Fergie. I remember when the Fair lineup was so lame that the series headliner was ‘Weird’ Al Yankovic. But this year’s lineup made one thing very clear: whether we’re fans of Fair performers Lynyrd Skynyrd, Tears for Fears, or Martina McBride, we all agree that Kenny Loggins totally blows.”

Great, right? Well, the print edition cut off “totally blows.” Hmmmm. I was told this was due to a printer’s error, but I’m dubious of this excuse since it’s the same reason my mother always gives for my birth. No, I suspect an inside job, someone who had access to my copy and who would want to defend the honor of Mr. Loggins. Frankly, I suspect District Publisher Will Swaim, not only because he has final say on everything written in the magazine, but because during meetings he is in the habit of doodling “Mrs. Kenny Loggins” on his notebook.

Thurs | Aug 9 Reggie the alligator makes his debut at the Los Angeles Zoo. More than 150 people are there to witness the premiere, many of them bused in from Harbor City, where Reggie came to fame while he made his home in Lake Machado. The crowd cheered “We want Reggie!” as a collection of firefighters and zookeepers lowered Reggie into his new habitat, unwrapping a towel from his eyes and a restraint from his jaw. One of the handlers said Reggie was “kind of skittish, a little standoffish” and that he tended “to hiss a lot.” Hissing! After these good people took the time to remove Reggie from his home, cover his eyes with towels, and place a restraint on his jaw! Well, I’ll say it again: nature may be beautiful, but its manners are atrocious.

Fri | Aug 10 Jenna Bush is writing a children’s book with her mother, First Lady Laura Bush. Tentative titles for the book are Harry Potter and the Absence of an Exit Strategy; If You Give a Halliburton an Open-Ended Iraqi Contract; and Georgie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day that Last Two Terms and Destroyed the Republican Party. Some are dubious about Jenna, a reputed party girl, writing for kids, but they forget that Beatrix Potter partied hard—Peter Rabbit was actually the name of her dealer—or that the original title of one of Dr. Seuss’s masterpieces was Gimme Another! What? Don’t Tell Me When I’ve Had Enough, I’ll Tell You When . . . What?! You Want to Say That to My Face?! and Ham

Sat | Aug 11 More than 20,000 international passengers are delayed for hours at LAX, some sitting stranded aboard planes. The reason for the delay is a computer malfunction that normally allows law-enforcement data about arriving passengers, including arrest warrants, to get to airport officials. “That system allows our officers to make decisions on who we can allow to enter the United States,” said Mike Fleming of US Customs. “You just don’t know by looking at them.” The international safety protocols differ from those followed for domestic flights, where those who pose the greatest risk to passenger are determined by just looking at them.

Sun | Aug 12 A study released this weekend estimates that an American baby born in 2004 will live an average of 77.9 years, an all-time high for this country—though that number dips significantly if that baby is allowed to swim in the water around Long Beach. On the plus side, that baby will grow to a height well over 14 feet and have laser eyes that go Peeooo! Peeooo! and totally blow junk up and stuff (suggested names for such a baby: Destructo, Dr. Kaboom, Chad). Though 77.9 is an all-time high for America, it ranks just 42nd in the world, behind the likes of Japan, Singapore, Guam, and Larry King.

Mon | Aug 13 I don’t know what you do for a living, but there is no way it is remotely as good as what I do. I get paid to write “Dr. Kaboom.”

Tags: kenny loggins, laura bush, lax, reggie the alligator