Tues | July 17 The Huntington Beach City Council approves a law banning public nudity. The law is designed to combat one resident, Miguel Angelo Ferreira, who officials say was in the habit of standing in his front yard naked. Police Chief Kenneth “Biggie” Small explained that what made Ferreira a nuisance was that he was not only naked but enjoyed “moving his hips from side to side”—so officials are also considering a ban on the Hokey-Pokey, arguing that that is what it’s all about. Several naturists—who are never as hot as you’d hope—spoke in front of the council and argued against the law, saying that existing laws governing lewd behavior would cover what Ferreira was doing. But the council apparently thought this law was necessary since, it turns out, nudity has always been legal in Huntington Beach. So, I guess a few of the uptight, nanny-state fascists over at the Central Park petting zoo owe a certain someone an apology. I’m waiting. So is the goat.

Wed | July 18 The Department of Homeland Security announces it’s giving the Los Angeles/Long Beach area $72.6 million to help combat terrorism. It’s the second largest amount given to any area in the nation, in large part because the LA/LB Port is considered a prime terrorist target. Still, it is less than we got in 2006—$80 million—a fact Long Beach Mayor Bob Foster called “baffling” and “a deep disappointment.” This despite all indications being that our enemies are stronger and more organized than they have ever been and that an attack somewhere at some time seems imminent. Apparently the Bush administration is employing their time-honored strategy of expecting the worst and then doing absolutely nothing to avoid it, a tactic that known as “New Orlean’n it.”

Thurs | July 19 Speaking of terror, Hasbro Inc. has once again recalled the Easy-Bake Oven because the toy has a tendency to trap and burn small fingers. That’s horrible—but it still makes it a better play experience than Monopoly. I mean, what is the point? This marks the second time the Easy-Bake has been recalled, causing real concerns about its safety (especially since it’s been hanging out with that Hungry Hungry Hippos crowd that turned Hello Kitty into such a tramp).

Fri | July 20 Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff visits the Port of Los Angeles/Long Beach to assure everyone that, though the federal government isn’t going to give us near the money we need to protect ourselves from attack, it has come up with a well-thought-out plan to protect the flow of trade. Chertoff said the plan is about “making sure we spend as little time as possible paralyzed by an attack.” So, even if we are all paralyzed by an attack—perhaps growing third eyes or expectorating blue-green crystals—we can all be assured that the federal government has made provisions to protect what we value most: the ability to ship Easy-Bake Ovens to scorch our children.

Sat | July 21 Our beloved Los Angeles Galatians play an exhibition match against English Premier League stalwart Chelsea. While any kickball match is an occasion for life in Southern California to come to a standstill, this one is even standstillier since it marks the debut of soccer icon David Beckham, whom many Americans were introduced to as the namesake of that movie, you know, City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. In a thrilling 1-0 Chelsea victory in which the ball traveled in one direction for several seconds before being kicked back in the other direction for several more, Beckham played about 12 minutes but failed to score. You know who else failed to score? Every other player on both teams except one guy who was standing around when the ball shot out from the bumblebee scrum and he kicked it and it hit the goal post then rolled slowly into the goal. Still, it’s better than Monopoly.

Sun | July 22 Today I’ll be praying for the parents of those who are stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan, though I guess I should ask for their prayers, since they possess a strength I thought unattainable. This was brought home to me today when I found out that a distant relative’s daughter who is serving in Iraq was not allowed to come home and will have to serve throughout the summer, even though her hitch is up. That was bad enough, but then we found out that one of her friends in her company just got his arm and leg blown off by a mine. How people are able to function each day with their children stuck in a place they don’t belong “guided” by a Commander in Chief who doesn’t know what he’s doing is beyond me. Especially when that Commander still seems to have no idea why we went there or when we will leave . . . and no, the Rapture is not an exit strategy.