This Week: Reggie the Alligator, Freelance Goat Slaughterhouse and the Reekies

Tues | MAY 20 Discouraging news for American dreamers when a Huntington Beach man is sentenced to four months of house arrest for (besides a less phantasmagorical charge involving firearms possession) impersonating a firefighter, a fraud he pursued so enthusiastically that investigators found a “shrine” to the firefighting life, hundreds of framed photos of him at real disaster sites and even forged letters of commendation honoring his daring rescues of Olive Oyl and Bugs Bunny-when-he’s-dressed-up-like-a-lady. Although officials allow that it’s legal to live a lie—it’s something of a prerequisite to hold civic office in Orange County—the man provoked an investigation by using his impressive fake career to sell firefighting equipment on the Internet, where fakeness of any degree cannot be tolerated. After serving his sentence, he hopes to begin a new career selling fake ice to Eskimos.

Wed | MAY 21 Long Beach loses its traditional title of Toilet to the Stars. Now even 80 million gallons of LA River outflow daily aren’t enough to earn the city its usual spot atop Heal the Bay’s annual Beach Bummer Index. Instead, Catalina’s upstart Avalon Harbor—up for Rookie of the Year at this summer’s Reekies—is now the very worst beach in California, thanks to a local sewer system splitting at the seams. (As of this report, the combined sewer systems of the entire LA basin statistically no longer amount to shit.) But locals can take heart—in fact, they can start taking heart medication, too, if they’re smart—from a recent study linking airborne pollutants (known simply as “air” to harbor-area residents) to about 24,000 deaths by stroke or cardiac disease each year in California, which is about 10 times the California homicide rate. If apprehended, air will face additional charges of providing smoking paraphernalia to minors.

Thurs | MAY 22 The House overwhelmingly passes a bill allowing a U.S. lawsuit against OPEC, the international consortium with control over nearly 40 percent of the developed world’s oil and nearly 100 percent of the United States’ presidents. The senate passed a similar bill called NOPEC in 2007—back when gas was at a now-quaint $2.87 per—but it was squashed by a veto warning from President Bush, then pushing his own OHYESPEC-Harder-Deeper bill. No venue for the suit has been suggested yet, though the International Criminal Court—from which the U.S. withdrew in 2002, fearing prosecution for war crimes already scheduled for 2003 and 2004—has convened a special Committee On Crawling Back in preparation. In unrelated news, seven suspects are detained in an unincorporated area near Carson after firing on a police chopper with a high-powered rifle. All are in custody of the Vice City Police Department pending save and restart.

Fri | MAY 23 Certain disaster ahead according to a lurid new U.S. Geological Survey study called THE SHAKEOUT SCENARIO—a high-budget agency sequel to earlier studies like HELLQUAKE 1999 and THE DAY THE EARTH TURNED INSIDE OUT… IN SENSURROUND!—predicting chaos of Bruckheimerian proportions when (“Not if,” warns the report) the San Andreas Fault finally cracks. Officials recommended concerned Californians unable to telecommute from less-doomed states consider “out-of-the-box solutions,” such as putting a shotgun and a hardhat in a box under your bed, or finding a good sturdy box to live in after your house collapses.

Sat | MAY 24 One year since folk hero Reggie the Gator was peeled from the shores of Lake Machado, where the wily reptile outsmarted waves of variously competent alligator wranglers for 649 days at—by LA City Councilwoman Janice Hahn’s estimate—a total cost of about $180,000, or six times what California spends on any given student, which explains why there aren’t so many good alligator wranglers. In related screwery, a proposal for a tax on pornography comes from City of Industry—so that’s the industry?—Assemblyman Charles Calderon. Calderon’s bill could suck more than a half a million dollars from the famously tight adult-entertainment industry, which is welcome news for a state budget panting for relief, but his all-holes-taxed-hard plan could push California’s porn community across the border to Nevada, where silicon implants trade pound-for-pound with copper and the desultory blowjob is practically the state flower. TaxThatAss.com was unavailable for comment at press time.

Sun | MAY 25 The Los Angeles Times reports on the rise of urban livestock farming in South Central LA and the delicate cultural issues that come with it—“Sometimes I think it’s Mexico,” says one resident; “It’s natural to have roosters—I’m Mexican,” says another. One of the most ambitious projects is some terrifying thing described as a “freelance goat slaughterhouse,” which authorities became aware of through its aggressive advertising campaign (“U SURRENDER ’EM, WE RENDER ’EM!”). In related news, Freelance Goat Slaughterhouse will be touring with Cattle Decapitation this summer.

Mon | MAY 26 No fighting in the war room!

Tags: charles calderon, freelance goat slaughterhouse, heal the bay, Long Beach, porn, reggie the alligator, the reekies