This Week: Schoolgirl Underwear, Uncomfortable Symbolism and American Ingenuity

SAT. APRIL 26: GARY WILSON AND KAREN

Mon | APR 21 President Bush appears on Deal Or No Deal as part of the most conceptually unpredictable presidency since Nixon invited a nation to sock it to him and then sent 24,000 troops back to Vietnam for involuntary second tours of duty. “I’m thrilled to be anywhere with high ratings these days,” Bush said, inviting contestant and decorated Army Captain Joseph Kobes to meet with him in Washington to discuss the new federal budget, which he described as a “three-trillion-dollar deal or no deal” and which will probably not quite include funds for body armor, radio equipment and sucking the raw sewage out of the showers at Fort Bragg. In related news, John Kerry appears nowhere ever. 

Tues | APR 22 No deal. 

Wed | APR 23 Port of LA conducts a security drill designed to prepare against the depressingly effective no-budget terror attacks that crippled the U.S.S. Cole and ruined a U.S. fleet during Navy war games. As part of the drill, tugboats deployed a special floating barrier designed to keep suicide boats—tiny rubber Zodiacs loaded with explosives against which the breakwater can do nothing—from attacking local shipping assets. It’s part of a waterside security program that port security director Cosmo Perrone described as a top priority to District reporter Rachel Powers, who tested less-obvious landside security by tooling around unopposed in a terrorist-style minivan in November. Drills designed to prepare against Powers, her minivan and toddler son are scheduled for this summer. 

Thurs | APR 24 Food shortages trickle upward to Japan as butter disappears from supermarket shelves and the government taps an emergency food fund untouched since World War II, reports an Australian newspaper that also finds 80 percent of Japanese citizens fearful for the future of their diets, which if limited to island resources would consist mostly of seafood and pre-packaged schoolgirl underwear. Meanwhile, Kazakhstan, Russia, and the Ukraine stop wheat exports, citing domestic food priorities and not at all any reasonable premonitions of global food disaster.  

Fri | APR 25 District Daddy Swaim tips Control Z to John McCain’s recent contention that “American products, American ingenuity [and] American knowledge” are best applied in these troubled times to new careers selling junk on eBay, especially since the government isn’t using them to balance budgets, fix bridges, or put people on the moon right now. It’s a bold claim for a candidate who at press time commands just $113.50 per autographed baseball—at that rate, a family of four would need to successfully auction 187 autographed McCain baseballs per year to break the 2008 poverty line. In unrelated news, LA county gas prices reach a record 3.86 baseballs per gallon.   

Sat | APR 26 Gary Wilson is in LA and I’m in the other room. 

Sun | APR 27 Only one short week since the smoker-friendliest holiday besides Arbor Day, and state Senator Alex Padilla is pushing a bill that would allow landlords to ban smoking on their property, which would finally extinguish claims by confused renters who think they have the right to do legal things inside their apartment. (Also on the agenda are new restrictions on Indian gambling, plastic surgery and dangerous toys, all related to a recent legislative retreat gone horribly wrong.) If passed, Padilla’s bill will be augmented by last week’s gotcha! ruling by the U.S. Supreme Court allowing police to legally use evidence uncovered during an illegal arrest, restoring to law enforcement the sort of failsafe discretion last granted to the Tonton Macoutes and leaving the remaining nine amendments in the Bill of Rights protectively clutching their privates.  

Mon | APR 28 California Democrat Nancy Pelosi poses with a giant fake check from the U.S. Department of Uncomfortable Symbolism to cheerfully illustrate the real economic situation in a country where the new five-dollar bill might as well say YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER. The check—made out to “American Families” for $1,800 but post-dated till January 21, 2009—is the Bush administration’s way of leaving a little thank-you on every nightstand before it sneaks out as the sun comes up. But a survey of slated rebate recipients found only 13 percent planning to spend their Americaland Bonus Bux (not valid outside Americaland) on fun things like vacations or eating food at a restaurant; the rest plan to purchase warm winter clothes and pay down debts owed to Bad Bad Freddie Mac, or buy some rice if they can find any.

Tags: deal or no deal, eBay, food shortages, gary wilson, john mccain, Los Angeles, port of la, recession