Tues | JULY 29 A 5.4 earthquake—known as a “rehearsal” in geological jargon—rattles Chino Hills just before noon and reminds the rest of Southern California once again how lucky they are not to live in Chino Hills. San Bernardino County officials reported no casualties and little significant damage, and said that they hoped methamphetamine production levels would be back to normal by the weekend.

Wed | JULY 30 Fun while it lasted.

Thurs | JULY 31 Development officially begins at Douglas Park, the former aerospace assembly site originally slated for almost 4,000 new homes until a softening residential market and allegations of toxic uranium deposits encouraged a switch from the city’s most potentially tumorous new community toward primarily commercial and office construction. Now tentatively renamed The Shoppes at ChernobylPlace, the revamped development will include 29 office buildings, 24,000 square feet of retail space with red-hot bargains sure to get a reaction and a 200-room hotel where there’s always a friendly light on whether anyone wants it or not.

Fri | AUG 1 Budget woes shake California statewide, starting in Sacramento where Gov. Schwarzenegger fires thousands of government temps, cuts minimum-wage employees to the lower federal minimum wage and instructs the California National Guard to seize all student lunch monies effective immediately. In Long Beach, the new city budget proposes cutting the Main Library, the Police Athletic League and 117 staff positions, including Port Sycophant, Wetlands Mishandler, Deputy Fund Slusher and the entire Department of Junkets, currently on a fact-finding mission in Aruba and unavailable for comment at press time. While controversy around the closure of the Main Library—originally conceptualized as part of an ambitious civic “superblock,” according to original architect Don Gibbs, who did warn officials that the structure would never be completely secure against kryptonite—continues to mount, several compromise offers have already been suggested, such as turning the library complex into mixed-use live-work lofts and chain retail, turning the Police Athletic League buildings into mixed-use live-work lofts and chain retail and turning 117 city staffers into mixed-use live-work lofts and chain retail. Officials also proposed retooling Long Beach Reads One Book to a simpler program called Long Beach Has One Book, which would be available for viewing at the main library in Cerritos until a special mixed-use live-work chain-retail development is constructed to house it.

Sat | AUG 2 Gaffe-master John McCain’s security detail takes special care to remove the lone black reporter at a campaign rally in Florida, explaining later that they were unsure how to react since they had never seen a black person at any McCain event ever. “I would first express regret that your reporter was moved, and I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that race had nothing to do with it,” said one McCain staffer, who assured the public that McCain hates all reporters equally. In unrelated news, a disabled Milwaukee man who in 2004 received a $50 parking ticket issued for parking in his own driveway—while taking care of a cancer-stricken mother and a father with dementia—is about to lose his house to the city after failing to pay his fine. “At this point,” a city official said, “there’s really not too much that would allow us to reverse those charges.” He added that he was unfamiliar with the phrase “semblance of humanity” but would have his staff look into it.

Sun | AUG 3 While Long Beach struggles to save its bookstores, libraries and art museums, the P-T reports that the city of Bellflower’s Redevelopment Agency is asking Starbucks to keep open its downtown location, housed alongside a Subway—Quizno’s, T-Mobile and Sell-It-On-eBay! unavailable for comment at press time—in a specially built million-dollar building with an alcove specifically dedicated to awkward Internet first dates and free wi-fi access for anyone with a half-finished screenplay. “The new building is a significant piece of the downtown Bellflower revitalization plan,” explained one Bellflower official. “It would be a shame if some business no one ever heard of had to move in there.” In unrelated news: savelbpl.blogspot.com.

Mon | AUG 4 In happier educational news, the city of Redondo Beach announces a set of 15 new “smart” manhole covers, equipped with special sewage-sensing monitors as well as a working knowledge of Voltaire’s Candide and an alarm that alerts police whenever someone tries to sell them for scrap. Although the high-tech covers make obsolete the city’s longtime Bullshit Detector staff position, city officials said the positive effects—such as a 16 percent reduction in stench and a projected 2 percent jump in school district test scores—made the transition necessary. In related news, a Long Beach program to study how a human ass is different from a hole in the ground is stalled pending $100,000 of federal funding.

Tags: candide, chernobyl, john mccain, Long Beach, redevlopment