Tues | JULY 1 As summer gas prices continue to rise, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports on a nationwide surge in grave-robbing, spurred by rising scrap-metal prices and good old-fashioned envy for the dead. Police admitted that preventing such crime is difficult because department budgets tend to prioritize the needs of the living, but recommended citizens make private arrangements with the vengeful ghosts of their ancestors and cautioned consumers not to purchase used teeth. In related news, The Daily Breeze finds that a 64-year-old Torrance woman has lost a vital chunk of her Social Security and Medi-Cal coverage after mysteriously being declared dead by the government, which discovered the error after pallbearers reported substantial difficulty fitting her into her casket. A Health Care Services spokesman apologized for the error, but said the woman would have to remain at the gravesite until records could be updated or she would risk arrest for unlawful transportation of a body.

Wed | JULY 2 The Daily Breeze also finds that Long Beach Rep. Laura Richardson drives the most expensive car in the House of Representatives: a $1,300-per-month Lincoln Town Car equipped with heated seats, on-board computer and turbo boost that was formerly leased by California Representative Michael Knight. By now, Richardson’s financial misdeeds—involving several houses, local businesses, and members of the Gang up to and including Kool—are well-known, but so far the congresswoman has limited comment on the situation pending her cell phone getting turned back on. A spokesman reminded concerned voters that the car would no longer seem so expensive once Richardson was living in it. In related collapse of American institutions, Starbucks announces plans to close 600 “underperforming” stores, citing a general economic downturn as well as unreasonable competition from Starbucks. Displaced baristas will gradually be phased back into graduate school, and 50,000 unsold Sheryl Crow compilations will be melted down for their trace mineral value.

Thurs | JULY 3 Worried Americans kick off the holiday weekend with a prayer vigil on the steps of the Saudi embassy in Washington, D.C., asking God to intervene and convince OPEC to increase oil production for the summer. Though flattered, Saudi officials respond that the decision is not God’s to make. But President Bush—coincidentally on his knees inside the Saudi embassy just minutes before—later hints that attitudes toward oil production were already softening.

Fri | JULY 4 Former North Carolina senator Jesse Helms—a famed conservative who made Strom Thurmond look like Cynthia McKinney—dies on the most patriotic day of the year, triggering a systems overload at Control Z and halting column production for the entire weekend. Helms was the first and most famous Caveman-American elected to Congress, race-baiting his way to victory against a white Marine veteran born in North Carolina and slithering into the longest senate career in North Carolina history, retiring only after an emergency evilectomy left him unable to perform his duties. Helms’ body was available for public viewing as well as inspection by a nonpartisan committee of vampire hunters and exorcists, who confirmed the senator had been correctly staked before dissolving his remains in holy water. He is survived by several unpleasant smells.

Sat | JULY 5 As part of a clean-up project triggered by persistent reports of junk floating in the water, naked visitors to the popular but unofficial nude beach at San Onofre will now be cited by the county thong squad, reports the L.A. Times. The San Onofre Nuclear Plant also has six weeks to cover up or it will be charged with indecent exposure.

Sun | JULY 6 A Sunday Times report reveals that Iran has been secretly stockpiling illegal vervet monkeys, surpassing the U.S. Navy’s commando-dolphin program as the cutest biological warfare vector of the 21st century. One monkey dealer told the Times he’d sold the Iranians over 200 vervets “for novelty purposes only,” but explained that he became suspicious after a request for 200 tiny gas masks. In related news, Transportation Security Administration officials confirmed that unaccompanied monkeys will no longer be allowed on international flights.

Mon | JULY 7 Having exhausted the supply of animate humans willing to meet with him, President Bush spends his birthday alone with a “wishing tree” in Japan, which—after an initial reprimand for wishing for more wishes—officially installs Dick Cheney as president. Bush was last spotted at his Texas ranch, where he will never be available for comment again.

Tags: Jesse Helms, laura richardson, News, several unpleasant smells, Starbucks, the daily breeze