Tues | JUNE 10 A Cypress doctor grabs a tire-iron during a confrontation with a guy who cuts ahead in the gas line during rush hour, resulting in his arrest for “brandishing a deadly weapon in a rude, angry or threatening manner,” an offense punishable by a year in jail or six months of tire-iron etiquette classes. While the doctor is set to appear in court in July, the driver who cut in line—spotted earlier diagonally parking his raised Hummer in a handicapped spot in front of a veteran’s cemetery, where he was relieving himself into a mailbox—faces no charges and was allowed to proceed into Orange County, where he spilled a can of Red Bull on a copy of The Purpose Driven Life while having sex with his neighbor’s wife.

Wed | JUNE 11 An introspective President Bush tells the London Times he understands now how rhetoric like “war on terror,” “bring ’em on,” “dead or alive,” “rid the world of the evil-doers,” “kill ’em all, let God sort ’em out” and “why are you hitting yourself?” could create the impression that he isn’t actually a “man of peace,” like he was when he told Tony Blair that “what they need to do is to get Syria to get Hizbollah to stop doing this shit” at the G8 summit just before the strippers came out. Although history—if there is any more—may characterize him as a “guy really anxious for war,” Bush said he’d prefer to be remembered simply as more “oblivious” or “drunk with power,” and explained that he hopes to present the next American president—if there is one—with a “legacy of international diplomacy,” which is currently armed and ready for launch with 15 minutes’ notice.

Thurs | JUNE 12 Cypress police arrest a 76-year-old man after $55,000 worth of anabolic steroids and traces of Mark McGwire are discovered in his home, along with what the Register described as “steroid literature,” later identified as mixed back issues of Horse and Rider and Playgirl. The implausible hulk—said to have the musculature of a man half his age, and the genitals of a woman—was apprehended by an officer posing as the coach of an underdog Little League team and later released on $50,000 bail, leaving him $5,000 ahead. In unrelated news, the Lakers give the Celtics the biggest come-from-behind finals win since 1971.

Fri | JUNE 13 Implausible genitals.

Sat | JUNE 14 As California prepares to criminalize cell-phone use by drivers—who will now be expected to communicate with obscene gestures and car-to-car gunfire, as was standard during the ’80s—a study finds that a similar cell-phone ban in North Carolina actually precipitated a one-percent increase in the number of teenagers who use their phones while driving, echoing the effects of a 2006 trans fat ban and a four-percent increase in area fast-food revenue, and a 1984 ban on dancing that provoked a nine-million-percent increase in Kevin Bacon. Authorities are considering an emergency reverse-psychology program requiring teenagers to talk on cell phones while driving but only to their ex-boyfriends.

Sun | JUNE 15 Unbelievable gas prices are good for more than just tire-iron manufacturers, reports the Press-Telegram in an article detailing how Long Beach—which has a financial interest in one of the country’s biggest oil reserves—has been able to split an unexpected $43 million in misery-derived revenue between the city’s general fund and the Tidelands Fund, which is used primarily to restore wetland areas ruined by oil drilling. (At press time, that total had yet to be adjusted to reflect future embezzlement.) In related news, City Auditor Laura Doud releases a report detailing how the Long Beach Museum of Art will be about $2.6 million short of the $3 million bond it needs to pay back in September 2009, thanks in part to $1.6 million “inappropriately spent” on daily operations, including 1.4 million Lotto scratchers and a set of collectible plates from the Franklin Mint, not all of which increased in value. And in further audit news, Queen Mary operator Joe Prevratil—who claims his company went bankrupt operating the Queen Mary—is discovered to have received about $8 million in salaries, benefits, life insurance policies and a Hawaiian condo, though Prevratil has offered to settle some debt by selling the condo to someone who isn’t Laura Richardson. “It’s not as though these monies went into my pocket,” he told the Press-Telegram, though he did refuse to answer further questions about briefcases, duffel bags and unmarked vans stuffed with sacks stamped with dollar signs. If all debts are not settled by next year, city officials plan to drill for oil at the Museum of Art.

Mon | JUNE 16 For sale: Baby, Big.

Tags: implausible genitals, lbma, Long Beach, President Bush, purpose driven life