This Week: Learjets, Dinosaur Flatulence and Bake Sales

Tues | JUN 3 City Manager Pat West responds to a projected $17 million city budget deficit—enough to fund four more Lobstergates, buy out six more Acres of Books or purchase 31 homes for Congresswoman Laura Richardson—by promising to encourage city employees not to live as long. Control Z suggests he may want to look into cutting health benefits to ensure no one is able to live past retirement at all, a concept already at the core of the McCain Medicare plan. In the interim, city employees propose a compromise plan: They accept a pension cut but don’t do their jobs as well. In unrelated news, The New York Times reports that even America’s millionaires are cutting back on luxury items: “A year ago, he would have only flown Gulfstreams,” said one wistful jet-rental-agency manager of a client. “Now it’s moving to the point where he’s flying Beech jets and Learjets.”

Wed | JUN 4 The Lowenthal juggernaut crushes Tonia Reyes Uranga with just 14 percent of the 54th District’s registered electorate voting, advancing the total Lowenthalification of Long Beach into its penultimate stage, pending scion Josh’s eventual ascension to State Supreme Court Judge of Bikini Contests. Meanwhile, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher prepares for inevitable re-election in November by clarifying remarks he made last year suggesting that global warming was caused by “dinosaur flatulence,” a statement that prompted heavy criticism from the Caveman Institute of Technology. In a speech last week comparing “buffalo farts” and cattle flatulence, Rohrabacher said he regretted suggesting that dinosaurs were ever anything besides a Satanic ploy to discredit the Biblical story of creation, and then suggested present representatives “pull [his] finger” to help him remember the rest of his apology. Full text of his speech is available in a special scratch-and-sniff edition of the Congressional Record.

Thurs | JUN 5 The Air Force fires two top officials after a series of startling nuclear mishaps, including the accidental delivery of Minuteman III nose-cone fuses to Taiwanese officials expecting 1.2 volt batteries and the accidental delivery of 1.2 volt batteries to Israeli officials expecting strategic nuclear weapons. Until a probationary period expires in early 2009, the Air Force will be forced to fund a new nuclear weapons initiative with a series of bake sales.

Fri | JUN 6 Wilson High closes its JROTC program just days after the Long Beach Board of Education approves new physical education requirements that deem dance, marching band and JROTC programs neither physical nor educational enough for California students. Instead, incoming freshman will now be forced into two years of traditional sports—including badminton, croquet and cockfighting—and face a mandatory four years of phys-ed and attendant psychological mutilations if they are unable to pass a revised physical fitness test which no longer counts uploading images to the Internet as exercise. Although 62 percent of LBUSD students passed the test last year, a district spokesman told the Press-Telegram that he expects better performance once students “realize the new consequences of failure,” pausing then to squeeze a last few drops of water from a stiffening rattail. Without a JROTC contingent, defense of Wilson High falls to the drill team and several reserve divisions of drama students. A Lakewood High JROTC spokesman said he expects Wilson students will greet his cadets as liberators.

Sat | JUN 7 Warren G is arrested on charges of possession of a controlled substance and regulating under the influence after a traffic stop in Hollywood, but prosecutors later decline to file charges. Contacted for comment, G said, “Damn, what’s next?”

Sun | JUN 8 After a salmonella outbreak, McDonald’s pulls tomatoes from its menu as a precautionary measure, reducing its available vegetable options to children’s activity placemats and several varieties of urinal cake. (A spokesman said ketchup packets were not affected because they contain no actual tomatoes.) In related news, Jack in the Box apologizes for serving consumers salmonella tainted with traces of tomato.

Mon | JUN 9 Gas prices hit a record $4-per-gallon national average—prompting Californians to fondly remember two weeks ago—and continue to climb worldwide, leading Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd to suggest “apply[ing] the blowtorch” to OPEC officials who refuse to increase the oil supply. (Officials quickly distanced themselves from Rudd’s remark, explaining that Australia couldn’t even afford enough fuel to effectively blow-torch more than three or four OPEC representatives.) “There’s some profit-taking going on,” admitted one energy researcher, currently also working on examining wetness in water, but offered no practical solutions other than downgrading to a more fuel-efficient Learjet. In unrelated news, President Bush begins a “farewell tour” of Europe, delivering goodbyes, thanks and special commemorative gaffes to uniformly relieved heads of state. (“The overall mood will be one of good riddance,” reports one paper.) Fans have been warned not to expect any encores.

Tags: bonnie lowenthal, dana rohrabacher, jrotc, Long Beach, pat west, salmonella, warren g