This Week: The Firewater Jacuzzi Grotto, Illegal Gardening and Batman

Tues | MAY 27 Soak and shrink.

Wed | MAY 28 Development trouble down in Huntington Beach as American Indians protest the construction of 300 new homes atop an ancient burial ground even after an Environmental Impact Report warns of potentially toxic levels of sacrilegiosity. Although nearly 200 sets of human remains have been discovered, archaeologists are optimistic there are more—an “ancient mass grave” that could provide enough sacred artifacts to put a poltergeist in every home. Hearthside Home’s vice-president tells the Register that his company has followed every regulation and permit necessary for construction, and promises that any new remains uncovered will be carefully documented and given a solemn reburial beneath the golf course, or interred in the Firewater Jacuzzi Grotto if specifically requested.

Thurs | MAY 28 LBPost.com reveals its reader-submitted list of the 10 Worst Decisions in Long Beach History, half of which are in or directly adjacent to downtown (like City Place, the New Pike, the Breakwater) and the rest of which (the Exodus of Auto Dealers, Saying No to Disney by the Sea, Losing the Red Cars) moved away from downtown because they were sick of the lack of parking. LBPost offered no immediate solutions, though it did offer sincere condolences for anyone living or parking downtown, and reminded readers that “no one person or entity can be held responsible for these events.” Luckily, an unrelated recent report in the Beachcomber of a naked couple spotted on the roof of the Long Beach Public Library demonstrates just how comfortable they are around City Hall when it comes to fucking downtown. In related news, Control Z will soon present its reader-free list of Long Beach’s 10 Worst Decisions Yet to Come, which will include building the Douglas Park development atop radioactive waste, saying yes to Disney by the Sea, turning the Queen Mary into a casino and the secret construction of Fortress Lowenthal deep below the Spruce Goose dome.

Fri | MAY 29 Halt—who goes there?

Sat | MAY 30 The Los Angeles Times visits Long Beach for an article on the man (“Scott”) responsible for cultivating a beautiful but illegal garden—surprisingly little of which can be smoked—inside the median along Loynes Drive. City workers are actually enthusiastic fans of the mystery planter, marveling at his careful placement of native plants and clandestine off-hours maintenance—“He’s the 007 of gardening!” said one, a title relinquished last year by Long Beach Compassionate Cooperative. Officials offered “Scott” a free cup of coffee and horticultural amnesty, explaining that they’re always happy to meet criminals who illegally provide necessary services no longer offered by the state. In related news, Batman is still wanted in conjunction with the recent planting of a stand of manzanita bushes along the Studebaker off-ramp.

Sun | JUNE 1 Press-Telegram reports on veterans having trouble pursuing further education, a situation which could be greatly improved by the revamped G.I. Bill still under threat of veto by President Bush, who according to a White House statement “looks forward to signing a GI bill that supports our troops and their families, and preserves the experience and skill of our forces, and that oughta shut ’em up for a while hey wait are you still typing?” The robust Webb G.I. Bill, which provides practical support to troops by providing four-year scholarships to state colleges, is opposed by such big-time troop-supporters as Sen. John McCain, who proposed an alternate bill offering troops a variety of Amazon gift certificates. “If you can give veterans the best education possible, after they have served their time, why wouldn’t you?” asks one Marine. At press time, embarrassed silence was unavailable for comment.

Mon | JUNE 2 New anachronisms for the War on Terror reported in today’s Guardian as the human rights group Reprieve identifies 17 American Navy vessels currently used as prison ships to hold suspected terrorists. The ships include the USS Bataan Death March, the USS Andersonville, and the USS Charles Dickens. A Navy official contacted by the Guardian says there are no detention facilities on U.S. Navy ships, contradicting prisoner reports of cages and beatings: “It was like something you see on TV,” reported one. “Particularly FOX.” Pending further investigation, however, the Bethesda Witch Trials have been postponed until at least February 2009. In related news, the cargo barge USS Laura Richardson is scheduled for launch as a debtors prison this summer.

Tags: debt, hearthside homes, Huntington Beach, illegal gardening, laura richardson, Long Beach