Around the city in eight erotic shops

PHOTO by ROSHEILA ROBLES

As the old saying goes, when opportunity knocks, don’t blow it—strap it on. Or at least that’s what you do when given the chance to explore some of Long Beach’s kinkiest (and not so much!) sex shops. From Phat Toys and the Purple Onion to ConRev to the Crypt (and the Rubber Tree, pictured here; the Erogenous Zone; Hot Stuff; and Lovers—whew!), I tackled eight of the greats for your pleasure.

The sex sleuthing begins at Phat Toys on Seventh and Redondo, the only adult store in Long Beach with a locked front door. ChryStyle, a graphic artist who opened the store after a stint as a “naughty party” consultant, buzzes me in with a remote control that she keeps around her neck. Her boutique is small, simple and organized, like a 7-Eleven for horny people, except the edibles here are underwear, chocolate pasties and flavored “warming” lube. There’s a little bit of everything, from basic spicy staples (lingerie, handcuffs, dildos, vibrators) to pure kink (strap-on harnesses, riding crops, adhesive lifelike nipples—the two we were born with aren’t enough?—spiked metal S&M pinwheels and seriously “phat” butt plugs). Phat Toys also sells vinyl stripper boots and stilettos in sizes all the way up to 14, because, in this city, dude just might be a lady.

ChryStyle cuts to the chase. She wants to know what I’m into and which tools I need. Too shy to say? No worries—ChryStyle says you can pass her a note and she’ll hook you up without a word. She’s even closed the shop for customers who feel the need to browse alone. Two other details that set Phat Toys apart: a corkboard where local singles and swingers post explicit handwritten personals and a constant loop of XXX porn on a wall-mounted TV. “There’s no better ice breaker in here than porn,” ChryStyle declares, pointing at a close-up climax scene on the monitor. “It says, ‘Everybody does it, so it’s all good.’”

So everybody’s doing it (or not)—but do they know what anal beads are for, or where and how to use Ben Wa balls, or which lube works best with which toy? All you have to do is ask, and you shall receive—sometimes to the brink of TMI—at ConRev, short for Condom Revolution. Formerly the Lubery, ConRev is one of three adult stores on East Broadway. Employees at ConRev take a hands-on approach to educating customers on the ins and outs of sex props. Each employee must pass three 100-question tests on everything from adult toy hygiene to fetishism to STDs and much, (too) much more to earn the title of “erotic specialist.” Imagine that on your resume.

Exactly how hands-on are they at ConRev? For starters, shoppers are encouraged to taste, touch and smell the lube (because too much stickiness and tasting like NyQuil is a major turn-off). When I ask erotic specialist David about leather spanking paddles emblazoned with the words “SLUT,” “PIG” and “BOY,” he yanks one off the display, rolls up his sleeve and wallops his left forearm with it. THWACK! Sure enough, a welt that reads “BOY” raises in no time. “You didn’t have to do that for me, really,” I say. “No problem,” he assures me. “Just doing my job.”

While skimming ConRev’s new interactive porn DVD section (meaning viewers can control camera angles and virtually strip porn stars, etc.), I overhear David at the checkout. “You know the rules on cock rings, right? It’s 15 minutes on, five minutes off, so you don’t cut off the blood supply to the penis.” The customer nods, grabs his complimentary ConRev embroidered terry cloth clean-up towel and leaves.

ConRev’s trademark instructional theme comes full circle at its round condom touch-and-feel table, where a humming air pump inflates an array of colorful rubbers. They stand up at full attention, awaiting curious hands. If you think of a condom as a kind of second skin, knowing the differences between ribbed, studded and reservoir tipped matters. ConRev also offers a few kinky projects for the enterprising male DIYers out there—easy melt and mold look-alike penis cast kits. Dazzle (or freak out) your lover this Valentine’s Day with a flexible dildo in your exact likeness, a sumptuous chocolate mold or a handy soap on a rope.

Further east on Broadway is Hot Stuff, one of the pioneering merchants that helped launch the “gay corridor” in 1980. The limited softcore erotic selection at Hot Stuff is more romantic than kinky. Regulars don’t come for the discreet pocket-sized vibes or the edible soy candle wax. They come for the gay and lesbian greeting cards, Damron gay travel guides and Colt Studios gay erotic art books. “We’re a sexy sentiment store . . . ” says original owner Barbara, “where you can walk in for a nice gift for your mom and walk out with a vibrator, too, and no one would ever know.”

When shoppers want edgier sex gear, specifically gay gadgetry, Barbara sends them down the street to The Crypt, a leather bondage supply for S&M masters—and their slaves, if they’ve been good. The Crypt is extreme but clean and sophisticated. They stock the full range of leather lingerie and fantasy/fetish wear, from assless chaps to intricate corsets to leather jock straps (with built-in cock rings) and stainless steel chain mail—even wireless vibrating underwear with a 20-foot range (!).

The merchandise is freakier in the Crypt’s color-coded bondage room, though, where the Japanese rope binding sets, horse bits and blinders, rubber and Velcro sheets, gag balls, nipple clamps and bug zapper spanking floggers don’t even scratch the surface. Go ahead and Google some of the Crypt’s more controversial equipment—specula, chastity belts, cupping devices, dilators and sounds, snakebite kits and more. Alfred Kinsey would have a field day in this place.

The Crypt carries some mainstream sex toy essentials, too, only they’re super sized. Their rubber love beads have more in common with racquet balls than beads and even the biggest dildos are inflatable. More than a thousand meticulously categorized gay porn DVDs are also available for rent.

Down in Belmont Shore is The Rubber Tree, Long Beach’s first high-end softcore adult boutique. The Starr family (mother Joy, father Larry, and daughter Shana) opened the store together on Second Street in 1992 to promote condoms and safe sex in response the AIDS epidemic. “We were determined to be a truly tasteful, elegant sex boutique in an upscale, clean neighborhood,” says Shana, “not somewhere where you’re afraid to leave your car and there’s some greasy guy behind the counter who looks like he wants to have sex with you.”

Shana’s top sellers right now are Listerine breath strip-style male sex enhancers and shatterproof Pyrex glass dildos. Who knew that nonporous glass dildos don’t trap bacteria like other dildos, can be frozen or heated in the microwave and are dishwasher safe? Just don’t forget your little (or big) glass friend in the dishwasher for the housekeeper to discover, like one of Shana’s clients told her she did. Popular Phallix brand glass dongs are artful, hand blown pieces available with 24-carat gold filigree and color swirl detailing.

The Rubber Tree gets progressively steamier as you make your way to the back. There are sexy board games, books, candles and incense in the front, but porno, lubes and toys that take batteries in the back. “Of course we have cocks and pussies, but you don’t want them right in your face right when you walk in,” Shana says.

Another sex shop that takes the tame in the front, naughty in the back approach is Lovers on Pine and Third. Assistant manager Joshua designed the front of the store to showcase his large sequined Mardi Gras mask collection and a sexy costume wall (French maid, White Party, gothic nurse, etc.). Tucked behind a corner in the back that isn’t visible from the street is the widest, most unusual selection of vibrators and dildos in the city. You’ll find vibrators disguised as mascara tubes, lipstick cases, powder compacts, bathtub rubber duckies and cell phones. Take that, LAX security!

The atmosphere at Lovers is bright and playful. Two blow up dolls that the all-all male staff call Betty and Ella look out over the sales floor toward a wall of mesh trucker hats, 2,500 DVDs and a long glass counter filled with every type (water-, oil-, and silicone-based) and flavor of lube imaginable.

“We like to think we’re like a better stocked, more adult version of Spencer’s,” Joshua tells me, as he I.D.s two giggling women at the door. Also, for those who haven’t upgraded to DVD or Blu-ray, Lovers claims to be the only sex shop in Long Beach that still stocks porn on VHS. DVDs, some starring local adult film actors Shane Diesel, Kristine Madison and Ms. Panther, are for sale as well.

Another clever (or desperate) variation on the incognito vibrator concept is the Hide Your Vibe pillow, on sale at The Erogenous Zone on Fourth and Ximeno. You just stash your vibrator inside and toss the plush pillow on your bed (and cross your fingers it doesn’t accidentally start buzzing when your mom sleeps over).

The Erogenous Zone is the city’s newest erotic shop and the only one to stick personalized employee recommendations and tips directly on products. One Post-It note cautions, “Don’t enter oil anywhere!” (FYI: Oils should be used for solo or anal play only. They can be carcinogenic when used vaginally.) Another on a watermelon blast flavored bottle of Wet lube announces, “I’m tangy! Try me!”

Roy, a new employee, gives me the quickie tour. There’s how-to gay and straight position photo books; foam wedge Liberator sex furniture; lifelike motorized oral sex tongues; Valentine’s themed G-strings; silk boxers and plenty of conventional bachelor/bachelorette party gag gifts. The boob- and penis-shaped ice trays and baking pans take the cake. And there’s a few on the weirder side as well: pewter golf clubs with penis-shaped putters on the end and crunchy “candy necklace” thongs.

I’m relieved to wrap up my sex store gorging at The Purple Onion, up on an industrial sweep of Cherry in North Long Beach. You’d think it would be the opposite, but eight sex shops in 48 hours is overkill, enough to put my libido on ice for a while.

The Purple Onion strikes me as a hush-hush joint where you quietly slip in, pick up your private purchase and slip out. No questions asked, although I was tempted to ask why they carry so many old-fashioned moo moos, sheer granny nighties and hula gear. Are these the odd underthings of some strange fetish I didn’t happen upon in my research? Somehow I don’t think I want to know.

PHAT TOYS 3314 E SEVENTH ST | LONG BEACH 90804 | 562.439.8880 | CONREV 3316 E BROADWAY | LONG BEACH 90803 | 562.438.8169 | HOT STUFF 2121 E BROADWAY | LONG BEACH 90803 | 562.433.0692 | THE CRYPT 1712 E BROADWAY | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.983.6560 | THE RUBBER TREE 5018 E SECOND ST | LONG BEACH 90803 | 562. 434.0027 | LOVERS 315 PINE AVE | LONG BEACH 90802 | 562.436.0049 | THE EROGENOUS ZONE 406 XIMENO | LONG BEACH 90814 | 562.434.3060 | THE PURPLE ONION | 6169 CHERRY AVE | LONG BEACH 90806 | 562.423.3998

Tags: conrev, dildos, hot stuff, Long Beach, lovers, phat toys, sex shops, the crypt, the erogenous zone, the purple onion, the rubber tree, top-story, vibrators, wireless underwear