I’m old. Let’s golf

PHOTO by ROSHEILA ROBLES

Growing old is something everyone deals with in their own special way. I’ve seen hipster couples toting children in strollers and it makes me wonder why Mr. Tattooed Tight Pants and Mrs. Nose Ring chose such a lame way to usher in adulthood, but I’ve found an answer: These so-called cutting edge types made the decision to procreate before they found golf. Yes, I just typed golf. Believe it or not, before Tiger-mania, the game was associated with codgers and white guys who did business in sand traps instead of offices. And, just like having kids, golfing makes a statement: It tells the world you’ve given up.

Recently, I was having lunch with a friend when casually he mentioned golfing. It was something I hadn’t thought of since my time at Los Angeles Harbor College, where I took a golf class with a bunch of bluehairs to fill my PE requirement. (Harbor has lots of hot Latina women and there was no way I was going to break a sweat in front of them, so I took golf to avoid physical activity.) I played throughout the semester, then forgot about it for nearly a decade until my friend brought it up. We finished our meals and went straight to the driving range, and it’s been a rapid descent into knickers, polyester shirts and early tee times ever since.

At first we played Little Rec, but that course is too challenging for players of our caliber—especially when smuggled tallboys are thrown into the mix. To compensate for our swinging deficiencies, we’ve made Bixby Village Golf Course our home turf. Before each round, I approach the first tee and (on the inside) yell, “Fuck it! I’m old. Let’s golf!” Admitting it makes the process much more enjoyable.

Bixby is ideal for newbies or those who haven’t played in a while. Of the nine holes, four require using a driver off the tee. That means the other five are a short distance away. Carts are available for those who want them, but if you can’t walk Bixby, save your money for your coffin because you’re far too old to be alive. Although it’s tiny, Bixby offers everything a good course should: luscious fairways, nice greens, sand traps, water hazards and tall trees. All of which drop the frustration of hunting for errand tee shots down a notch.

Although the second hole has a large water hazard to the left and a swamp to the right, it’s been a good friend to me. (There are always ducks on the fairway, but as of this typing, I’ve never hit a single one.) The same goes for the sixth and ninth holes. Both are little chip shots from the green that help balance my way-over-par shots on holes three and four, which we call snowman holes—I shoot eights on them. And the eighth hole is a dogleg right that I hit into the trees every single time—from a distance perspective, the trees are fairly close to the green; from a logistics perspective, let’s just say the fine folks at Bixby save money on tree trimmers when I’m out there.

An added bonus that comes with golfing is the potential to play with strangers if the course is busy and there is another small group. Usually, we are paired with bona fide old folks. This isn’t a problem, because once a person steps onto the course, they’re all lumped into the same category: golfers. It’s like a brotherhood for dinosaurs and we can’t get enough. But by far the best part about Bixby is the college-age girl who drives the beer cart. Sometimes we run out of booze and she’s there to refill our thirsty bellies. And she’s easy on the eyes, which makes me play better because I don’t want to look like a fool when she’s around. Well, less of a fool than I already look like.

BIXBY VILLAGE GOLF COURSE 6180 BIXBY VILLAGE DR | LONG BEACH 90803 | 562.498.7003 | $10-14

Tags: bixby village, codgers, golf, little rec, Long Beach