I’m not one for expressing emotions. Telling the rest of the world what I’m feeling just doesn’t ever seem to make the top of my daily to-do list. That’s why I write. It’s much easier to put something down on paper than to speak up about an issue that probably won’t matter much 20 minutes after the fact. But there are times when wish I could say the things I’m thinking, like when I once suffered through the rudest of cops as she wrote me a parking ticket. I just stared at my feet until she handed over the infraction. If only there were some way for passive-aggressive people like me to get off our chests what our mouths just can’t seem to push out. But wait! There is—and it’s in the form of socks. All this time I thought they were designed to keep my feet warm, but someone way more fearful of confrontation than I has decided to take this open canvas and say something. Called SWA (Socks With Attitude—booyah!), these lil’ guys have such clever sayings as “Suck My Dick,” “Fuck Off,” “Porn Star,” “Naughty Girl” and, my personal favorite, “Fuck My Socks Off.” I’d never in a million years have the backbone to ask a woman to “fuck my socks off,” but now all I have to do is pull my pants up to show a little leg and let the fun begin. If she denies my advances, I can go home with my chin high and assume I’m alone not because of bad breath or a booger, but because she can’t read.

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