Though nothing can touch what remains the undisputed, dizzying height of the Long Beach stage—Safe House’s 1998 kabuki Harold & Maude—the ultradoityourselfiness of the Garage Theatre’s fifth annual holiday melodrama (for kids!) Long Beach Is Sinking did touch me (inappropriately). With the fabulous villain, Amy Louise Sebelius, sneering in a Valley Girl version of an Irish lilt, and the purty and simpering Dixie Trubaloo (Juliana McBride), who was hot, it wasn’t long before we flashed on our glory days (’98-’99) of watching other people make cool shit. Here, in director Matthew Anderson’s own words, is an explication of what playwright Jamie Sweet will wreak upon children of all ages through Dec. 22.

“It’s 1944, and the hero is a roller coaster operator at the Pike, but the pride of Long Beach is literally sinking. Rod McGirdlebutt—just like it sounds—is the hero. His sidekick is David Gingpao, a Cambodian immigrant. Were there already Cambodian immigrants here in 1944? Sure! I think so. I think they’ve been here a long, long time.

“The lady in red is Tricia LaRue. She’s been a gum girl, an invisible dogwalker. Now she’s the balloon-animal-making-girl. She trips on a hole in the ground, finds an underground maze. There’s a cop who takes free rides on the roller coaster, and a professor of seismology, and they take the gang underground and run into all sorts of craziness.

“The villain is Ian Sidious, the manager of the Pike, but he is also very evil. He’s visited by three spirits, a trio of witches of sorts. They’re the spirits of oil, commerce and industry. Are they evil spirits? They are evil spirits.

“There may or may not be mole people.

“Kids are so protected these days. I really want to scare them. But it’s not too scary. It’s for kids of all ages.

“And at intermission, there’s free ice cream!”