I get accused in our letters section fairly regularly of hating Jews. (Also: stupidness!) In the letters section at my old paper, I got accused a lot more frequently of being one. (Also: a Nazi!) Let’s run down the checklist: Do I hate Jews? No! Am I stupid? Probably! Am I a Jew? Yes! (But also half-a-shikse! A term referring to beautiful non-Jewish ladies that means “abomination,” “loathsome,” “rodent” and “lizard.” Bet my mom didn’t know that when she bragged about her first Jewish husband calling her his “golden shikse.”) Am I a Nazi? Only in my dreams, baby. Only in my dreams.

But enough about me! The Tribe is coming to Long Beach for three days of music and food and conferencing! And you know what I love? All three of those things! (Also: panel discussions!) And will there be wine? There will be wine! Also: Matisyahu! (But just talking about spirituality. There will, however, be music by, among others, a black Hasidic cat named Y-Love, who rhymes in Aramaic and is really catchy and sounds a lot like Finley Quaye. But in Aramaic. Jewish people are really good at hip-hop, which you’d totally know if you ever saw Blood of Abraham, on Eazy-E’s label, or, I don’t know, a little band called the Beastie Boys. One thing most people don’t know about Jews is that, baby, we got rhythm. I know this scientifically because my mom—not a Jew!—dances like a total dork, and yet each of her children dances totally awesome.)

Now, I haven’t been in a place that was exclusively Jew since Rabbi Paskow called Arabs “animals,” and my mom began to passive-aggressively “forget” to take me to Hebrew school. So that’s probably a good 26 years. And I never really considered myself Jewish till I spent a summer in green, clean, beautiful Berlin, where 50 years before I would have been totally dead. Then there was noted comedy critic Christopher Hitchens’ explanation that women can’t be funny unless they’re fat, Jewish or gay, so I know which one I pick.

You know what the late bigamist Bircher OC congressman (and father of gifted teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau!) John Schmitz said: Jews are just like everyone else, only more so. (Also: funnier, better dancers with more Nobel prizes. Also: own the banks/sugartits/killed Christ.)

JEWLICIOUS FESTIVAL BARBARA & RAY ALPERT JEWISH COMMUNITY CENTER 3801 E WILLOW ST | LONG BEACH 90815 | JEWLICIOUSFESTIVAL.COM | FRI-SUN | $48-72

Tags: alpert jewish community center, beastie boys, jewlicious festival, Long Beach, matisyahu, Nazis