A Wednesday trip to the Naples canals to view the famed Christmas displays yielded a few interesting sociological notes: A) Self magazine was right—women here are mizzzzerable, as every single woman who passed our little group pouted even while holding her boyfriend’s hand. So even the chicks with dudes are unhappy! Or else they’re just keeping their boyfriends in line by making them try and try to please them, to unvarying unsuccess.

B) I would like a bank-building-looking all-glass house, so I could let people watch me watch TV.

C) Naples has a lot of Jews, and the Jews unfailingly were all like, “LOOK AT US, WE’RE JEWS! I’LL SEE YOUR CHRISTMAS SNOOPY AND RAISE YOU A MILLION BULBS BLINKING ‘CHANUKAH MAGIC’ ON A TOP HAT WITH DREIDELS FALLING OUT OF IT! SUCKAS! Oh, and l’chaim, everyone.” They weren’t all quiet about it at all. They were loud, pushy Jews.

D) Sometimes people try to be classy. Sociologically, I learned (about me, sociologically) that I am little able to tolerate elegant, classy people. Probably because I am a pushy, loud Jew.

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

1. See this house? This is the best house in the entire world. It is sparkly, and pink, and yet has nothing to do with either Barbie or the Disney Princess Self-Esteemathon that is quickly turning a generation of girls into future young ladies who pout while holding their boyfriends’ hands even when they are looking at Christmas lights! Nothing is good enough for a princess, right? Seriously, just tell him what he has to buy you to make you happy. Please?

Wait, what? Oh, the house! Look closely: It is Whoville! Is there a wocket in your pocket? No, you are just happy to see these!

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

2. See this house? It belongs to one of Naples’ many Jews. It is super-completely awesome—A) for its utter garishness, and B) because blue is the best color of all the colors. This isn’t my opinion; it is a fact, as evidenced by the cost of the lapis lazuli and aquamarines that were ground up in the Renaissance to paint the Virgin’s cloak. You know: the Virgin who bore the fake Messiah per our hell-bound Jew friends who are going to hell.

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

3. See this house? Can you tell from the picture that the people who live there have like thousands of stuffed animals all up in their shit? They line the stairs, they peek out from hiding places ready to jump out and scare you. There are two Christmas trees, too. I wanted to go up closer and really peer into the windows—they totally want us to, right?—but nobody I murmured the thought too answered in any way at all. This house reminded me of the stuffed animal graveyard I used to pass in New York’s East Village, but without any animals with their heads cut off. In other words, like, the opposite of Damien Hirst. (The stuffed animal graveyard had nothing to do with Damien Hirst, by the way, because it was awesome, and he is an ass.)

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

4. Wheeeeee! Gnomes!

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA

5. See this? It’s ET, in a roller coaster, which was situated amongst an entire carnival for awesome Sesame Street dolls from awesome olden times and crappy Nemo and Buzz Lightyears from crappy today. I would like a carnival for dolls, please! DOLLS WITH NO HEADS!

PHOTO by RUSS ROCA