U.P. Freely

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
I have a lot of patience, but none for people like you, the Traffic Circle mother who lazily decided to let her kindergarten-age son take a piss in a strip mall parking lot. Not only did you make sure he was nowhere near your shot-to-shit minivan (instead you tucked him between [...]

Badtender

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
You used to work at my favorite bar. Then they got smart and fired your rude ass. I don’t know why you got canned—I can only hope you went down in flames, that everyone finally saw what an angry snotty bitch you really are. You were actually so rude (and so good [...]

Out of Tune

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
It’s three in the morning and your friend is still playing Godspeed riffs while you, stoned out of your gourd, play the same retarded pattern on what sounds like a floor tom with a blanket over it. FUCKING ENOUGH ALREADY. I came over once and asked nicely, really nicely. You [...]

I, Fink? You Stink
You were the well-meaning, ill-informed and self-righteous author behind an I, Fink who, after being offended by an anti-rape slogan, felt it necessary to educate us all on the nature of rape. I am the District reader who felt it difficult to keep her lunch from coming up. It’s funny (not [...]

Runner’s Sigh

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
You are the just-too-good-doer who holds a couple of 10-k races a year on the Long Beach Bike Path for your local nonprofit charity. I’m a guy who likes doing good, too, which is why I laid out the $30 entry fee to participate in your folksy run-for-fun fud-raiser rather than [...]

Buzz Kill

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
To each and every liquor store owner in Bluff Heights:
As you may or may not be aware of, the Ralphs on the corner of Fourth and Orizaba recently closed for renovations . . . seven months of renovations, to be exact. While this is certainly an inconvenience to me and my [...]

Meter Madness

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
Big thanks to the meter-maid assholes who keep giving my wife tickets for parking on private property—our driveway. Don’t you douchebags have anything better to do? Oh, but wait: this is Long Beach. And in Long Beach, it’s illegal to park on an unpaved section of your own driveway. If it’s [...]

Painter of Fight

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
You’re the well-meaning artist who stenciled a political message on a sidewalk on Fourth near Junipero—something like, “Men Can Stop Rape if They Want.” I wanted to stencil you back: “No, they can’t.” Because what you’re missing here in the real world—not the Hallmark world in which you dwell as [...]

Fecal Manner

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
Well, hello. If you simply cannot take the few steps to your own trash can and you must use mine for the occasional bag of dog waste and cans of botulism-infested vegetables, at least take them to the ones closest to the driveway. The occasional bag of feces won’t make much [...]

. . . And your little dog, too

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
You, my most interesting neighbor, are a 30-something female and the dedicated owner and frequent walker of a very happy dog. I can only assume it is a dog: it appears to be equal parts Boston terrier, Chihuahua, and Steve Buscemi. Whatever he is, it [...]