Kick Ass

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
You’re the miserable deviant who decided it was necessary to kick and destroy the side mirrors of multiple vehicles down Broadway in Belmont Shore on a Friday night. Did your Neanderthal friends hoot and holler while your ogre foot, like a pestilence, blighted private property? You’re a chancre on the foul [...]

Coffee Dean

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
Me: a weary working slob looking forward to a professionally made Saturday-morning latte, with my nose in the newspaper and minding my own business. You: two females of the self-entitlement class, allowing your little girls to turn a Second Street coffee establishment into a kiddie playhouse—and making it virtually impossible to [...]

Oiling point

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
I was driving down a residential part of Anaheim Street, under leafy trees on a foggy morning before the newspapers had even hit the street, and I saw you, you little scamp, ratfucking someone’s brand-new Ford F150 by applying a brand-new “BUSHCHENEY04″ sticker to his or her brand-new bumper. I wonder [...]

Fenced Off

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
This goes out to the gang of yard-apes that keeps fucking with my fence—which, just for the record, is not redwood. It’s red-stained white wood, from Home Depot. Totally different. The rails are redwood, but you can’t see them. So anyway, who the Sam Hill keeps tagging my fence—so I have [...]

Boxed In

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
My life changed the moment you walked into the cubicle adjacent to mine. And a funny thing about cubicles: they’re not offices. We shared the same air, without doors or privacy, day after day for more than a year. Meanwhile, you continued to share the most intimate details of your life, [...]

Googl(e)y-eyed

PHOTO by BOB AUL
Google Street View, I tried to make it work, really I did. When the privacy advocate in San Francisco (whose house you depicted so clearly you could see her cat, remember?) went on TV and bashed you, I defended you in philosophical arguments with my friends—about how you’d make it easier to [...]

Washed up

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
Look, I know the Law and Order SVU episode that’s playing on the TV at the laundromat is so enthralling that you can’t bear to peel yourself away from it, but you don’t have to pace in front of it, talking with your white trash wife about how you need a [...]

Public Display of Aggression

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
You are the old, lonely, angry, tired-looking, greasy man coming out of a Chipotle last week. I am the stunned newlywed you yelled at, because I was hugging my blushing bride as we talked over where we should take the remaining seven dollars in our checking account for dinner. [...]

Cabfession

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. At least I think I did. See, at 4:30 a.m. last Saturday, a most dreadful thing happened: We ran out of booze. Cigarettes, too. But lo, one of our party remembered that the V-Room opens at 6 a.m.! So I made a pot of coffee, [...]

U.P. Freely

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
I have a lot of patience, but none for people like you, the Traffic Circle mother who lazily decided to let her kindergarten-age son take a piss in a strip mall parking lot. Not only did you make sure he was nowhere near your shot-to-shit minivan (instead you tucked him between [...]