Slow Ride

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
You were the bald old man—your little eraser-colored nub—barely visible behind the wheel of the slick, silver Toyota Camry that was creeping slowly northward on Long Beach Boulevard on a Friday evening at about 5:30. I came up behind you around the 405 Freeway—I remember because of how hard I had [...]

All Apologies

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
You were the two emo kids having a coffee klatch at my favorite LB hangout. You were talking loudly about music and friends, and using references to intercourse, genitalia, feces and out-of-wedlock births to punctuate what was an otherwise normal conversation. But you were apparently unaware of your surroundings, and so [...]

Open Season

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
Thank you to the carload of jackholes who ruined what would have otherwise been a great drunken stumble home from our monthly sojourn to Release the Bats when you decided to open fire upon us with BB guns. What type of A-hole do you need to be that you come out [...]

Sane Asylum

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
You took your kids out of perfectly terrific schools to give them “a taste of the real world”—in rural Mexico. But your experiment has blown up like hydrochloric acid and Milk of Magnesia in a test tube. Turns out part of the real world is shitty schools and dumb-ass peasants—and lots [...]

Nip/Suck

Why does living in a city suck? Tree trimming. All day yesterday, our block—and specifically, my end of it—was beset by a gang of tree trimmers busy fucking shit up with chainsaws and a Steve Buscemi-sized mulcher. I spent the better part of an hour trying to out-maneuver them. I called their company; I called [...]

Two of Hearts

Everybody knows the ground. They live life on the surface. I lived there, in a desert for the eight years that we were apart. I stood on only my legs, my heart alone. Now, because of you, I live in the sky. I live in a depth of bright blue, fresh air, and [...]

Kick Ass

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
You’re the miserable deviant who decided it was necessary to kick and destroy the side mirrors of multiple vehicles down Broadway in Belmont Shore on a Friday night. Did your Neanderthal friends hoot and holler while your ogre foot, like a pestilence, blighted private property? You’re a chancre on the foul [...]

Coffee Dean

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
Me: a weary working slob looking forward to a professionally made Saturday-morning latte, with my nose in the newspaper and minding my own business. You: two females of the self-entitlement class, allowing your little girls to turn a Second Street coffee establishment into a kiddie playhouse—and making it virtually impossible to [...]

Oiling point

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
I was driving down a residential part of Anaheim Street, under leafy trees on a foggy morning before the newspapers had even hit the street, and I saw you, you little scamp, ratfucking someone’s brand-new Ford F150 by applying a brand-new “BUSHCHENEY04″ sticker to his or her brand-new bumper. I wonder [...]

Fenced Off

ILLUSTRATION by BOB AUL
This goes out to the gang of yard-apes that keeps fucking with my fence—which, just for the record, is not redwood. It’s red-stained white wood, from Home Depot. Totally different. The rails are redwood, but you can’t see them. So anyway, who the Sam Hill keeps tagging my fence—so I have [...]