This Week: Why Lie? It’s for Beer

Tues | MAY 13 Hundreds of car tires are slashed in San Pedro as part of Now You Have To Ride Your Bike To Work Day, causing thousands of dollars in damage and provoking uncomfortably mixed emotions at American Tire Co., which reported a huge influx of customers and a three-hour wait for replacement tires. If captured and convicted, perpetrators will be vulcanized without chance of parole.

Wed | MAY 14 The Los Angeles Times picks up on a story about a former USC student suing an adult video company on grounds that he was included without his knowledge or consent in a hardcore porno called Nikki the Nymph 2—in which Nikki returns to Narnia after 1,300 years have passed. The suit, Dude v. Come On, alleges the student was filmed while drunk at a fraternity party in 2002, and marks the first time someone ever had cause to regret combining alcohol and sex inside a fraternity house. Although the plaintiff’s participation in the film was limited to “rooting for” stars like Johnny Thrust, Marc Cummings and perennial underdog Bones Ineptly, his image was still allegedly used to promote the film. He seeks a formal apology and second-billing under Fiona Cheeks on all future editions of the film. In unrelated news, Cal State students will face a 10 percent increase in school fees, intended to cover a massive settlement connected to an incident during production of Nikki the Nymph 3: F. King Alexander.

Thurs | MAY 15 A new G.I. Bill offering Iraq and Afghanistan veterans four-year scholarships at state schools passes in the House despite opposition from Republicans who’d prefer American troops do the dirty work then disappear unless needed later to look good for a photo op—services similar to those provided by D.C. escort services, which historically find it much easier to secure Republican funding. The bill would institute a new half-percent tax on individuals making over $500,000 a year, generating roughly $2,500 per, or about twice the starting monthly salary for an Army recruit in basic, and much less heroic. President Bush has promised to veto the bill on the grounds he’d like to gas up Hummer One a few more times before he leaves office.

Fri | MAY 16 Saudi Arabia refuses President Bush’s personal request to increase oil production in the most emasculating instance of presidential beggary since Carter asked Khomeini if there were any extra hostages he wasn’t using anymore. (“At least Clinton would play the sax,” complained one Riyadh politico.) Still, Saudi officials were reportedly pleased with the meeting: “He didn’t punch any tables or shout at anybody,” said Saudi Foreign Minister Saud al-Faisal, a shrewd student of recent American foreign policy. “I think he was satisfied.” An impressed King Abdullah suggested that if Bush stays on his best behavior until September’s OPEC conference in Vienna, he might just find something oily in his stocking this Christmas. The president was last seen outside King Khaled International Airport with a sign reading, “WHY LIE? IT’S FOR BEER.”

Sat | MAY 17 Much joy at Long Beach Pride in honor of California’s decision to decriminalize love—following its 1933 decriminalization of alcohol, 1975 decriminalization of oral sex and 1996 decriminalization of weed, which offers chilling insight into Sacramento’s recreational priorities—but perhaps lost in the mad romantic rush to get included on the new spouse’s health insurance is the Senate passage of Sen. Alan Lowenthal’s bill decriminalizing membership in the Communist party. Although opposed by Sen. Jeff Denham (R-1951), who emerged from his fallout shelter long enough to complain that “the Communist party is not a dead organization,” Lowenthal’s bill, currently under consideration by the State Assembly, would allow party members with state jobs to openly practice their irrelevance, although actively plotting the destruction of the United States government and its armed forces remains illegal for everyone but Republicans in Congress.

Sun | MAY 18 Long Beach police recover a tiny terrier named Joci, stolen after a robber attacked his 8-year-old owner on Mother’s Day, possibly while burning a flag and shouting “Hail Satan!” The robber—also wanted for questioning related to the stealing of Christmas as well as tying several local blondes to railroad tracks—is still at large, though police advise the public to be on the lookout for males exhibiting extreme dastardliness. Happily, Joci the dog is alive and well, though strangely shaved and with no memories of where he was taken or why. In unrelated news, CIA sources today clear Joci of any ties to Al Qaeda.

Mon | MAY 19 Radar magazine reports on a secret government program called Main Core—started in the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 12, 1992—designed to identify and track Americans who may be detained for reasons of “national security” in the event of a “national emergency,” both of which get to be defined by the same guy in the secret bunker. While it’s difficult to believe that the government that can’t land a helicopter on a New Orleans hospital roof might create and maintain a system this efficiently evil, the idea itself is certainly attractive to those in positions of power, especially since the Nixon administration demonstrated the limitations of the analog enemies list. At press time, no corroboration of Radar’s claims or further details on the purported eight million undesirables listed in the system were available, though one unnamed source confirmed that if you’ve read this far, you’re definitely in it.

Tags: Alan Lowenthal, bones ineptly, communist party, gi bill, nikki the nymph, President Bush, why lie it's for beer