PHOTO by JOHN GILHOOLEY

TUES DEC 29 Well, it went right down to the wire, but somehow Long Beach managed to pull off the worst election of the decade. Yes, the competition was stiff, especially from a little something I like to call the 2000 presidential election; but as bad and devious as that affair was, the one thing you could say about it was that there was a point. Not so with tonight’s school-board election. Just about everything about it was pointless—starting with the fact that it was necessitated by the resignation of former board member and accused carpetbagger Michael Shane Ellis, who had to resign in September for (among other things) not showing up for meetings because he had a bench warrant out for his arrest. “S” is for “shiv,” kids! So that means a special election that costs $200,000 in a school district that has to cut $90 million over the next two years. But at least it’s a special election that produced a crop of candidates representing a veritable Who’s Who? of Who’s That? Duly impressed, barely 2,000 of a possible 36,000 voters actually voted, handing victory to John McGinnis, who worked at Cerritos College and moved to Long Beach way back in 12 months ago. McGinnis won with 721 votes. Seven hundred. Twenty-one. It probably takes more votes to get elected student-body president at Poly. McGinnis will take office and attend his first meeting on Jan. 5 and then have to file papers in 10 days to run for re-election. You see, the election was to finish out Ellis’ term, which ends in June, so the $200,000 we just spent to have 2,000 people vote to seat a guy with 721 votes will all become meaningless in six months, making it thoroughly inane, absurd and futile—or the most fitting end to this decade imaginable.

WED DEC 30 Cal State Long Beach loses to Duke in men’s basketball, 84-63. The 49ers have lost to four top-10 opponents—the other three being No. 2 Texas, No. 3 Kentucky (with whom Long Beach was tied at halftime) and No. 6 West Virginia—by an average of 23 points. On the positive side, the phones are still turned on in the Cal State Long Beach athletic department.

THURS DEC 31 Travis Pastrana sets the world rally-car jump record by flying 274 feet from the Pine Ave. Pier onto a barge anchored in the harbor. More remarkable than Pastrana’s setting the record is the fact that there is a record. Still, having just witnessed history, thousands of partiers agree on one thing: “That’s it?” Yes, the jump did go a lot quicker and far less explodey than many people had expected or hoped. On the positive side . . . uh . . . uh, I think I’m gonna hurl.

FRI JAN 1 Hello, 2010, so glad you’re here. There won’t be any problems remembering to write you down on our checks instead of that punkass 2009. What a punkass. So, look, you came at a good time. Hard to imagine you doing any worse than 2009—which was a punkass. Just don’t kill any of our friends and leave us with a few of the icons of our youth, and we should be just fine. Oh, and when it comes to financial matters, if you could finally choose as to whether we’re in a recovery or in some sort of inflationary/apocalyptic hell that breaks down all tethers of society and returns us to our primal and violent roots, I’d appreciate it. Just like to know how to dress.

SAT JAN 2 So, this is how it goes in America. You work hard, you try and save a bit by shopping at Costco and doing with one less ply, toilet paper-wise. When you lose your money because you get sick or lose your job or make a bad investment—damn Nigerian treasurers—no one shows up with a bucketful of money ready to give you a do-over. Of course, if you’re a big financial institution, you get big buckets of money from the government—interest-free—that you’re allowed to loan to the sick and/or out-of-work public at 20 percent. If you’re Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life and pastor of a mega-church, you tell folks that the $1 million they gave at Christmas wasn’t enough and they need to give more, and they give you $2.4 million, and you tell them: Hey, that’s great, because someone with a purpose driven life is driven by God’s purposes, not their own. Of course, they actually can’t use the term “purpose driven” or they’re going to get sued by Pastor Warren, because—no kidding—he trademarked the term “purpose driven.” Where’s your messiah now?

SUN JAN 3 This being the first full week of a new year, and decade, it seems right to make a bold prediction or two, so here goes: the John McGinnis era will come to an end.

MON JAN 4 Ditto Michael Cera.

Tags: csulb, lbusd, men's basketball, michael cera, rick warren, school board, the purpose driven life, travis pastrana