How to build one hell-monster of a city

ILLUSTRATION by LUKE MCGARRY

It was a stark and dorky night, and young James C. Hankla was alone (as per usual) in his native Wilmington, the so-called Heart of the Harbor, when a fiendish plan seeped from his feverish brain, a diabolical scheme to transform Long Beach, the well-known Queen of the Beaches, from a ditzy little burg into a sophisticated pleasuredome of faux-Deco and crackerbox apartments. But something went horribly wrong along the way, and Hankla—now the all-powerful city manager of the hapless town—could only watch as his vision mutated into the gurgling hell-monster we presently call home. You can try, as generations of city officials have, to adapt or dismantle this beast—but you’ll only succeed in making it stronger. To give you an idea of just what we’re up against, here’s a rundown of its parts:

BRAIN
Beverly O’Neill
The former three-term mayor’s master plan has bequeathed Long Beach a downtown waterfront so soullessly Irvine-ized that it has no view of the sea, tourist attractions that drain city coffers, a job market based on ticket-takers and hotel maids and a budget that can’t pay for basic services. All this is wrapped in a hairdo that’s a combination of Betty Crocker and Bride of Frankenstein coiffed in a cotton-candy machine.

WALLET
Mayor Bob Foster
The former president of Southern California Edison has brought big money—more than $2 million since 2005, mostly from out-of-town—into Long Beach politics, not only bankrolling his own campaigns for mayor and for the failed Measure I parcel property tax, but also funneling contributions toward sycophantic city council candidates (like newcomer James Johnson in the Seventh District and attempted three-peater Val Lerch in the Ninth District) in hopes of creating an unbeatable rubber stamp for his policies.

LEGS
Laura Richardson
Through a messy divorce, unpaid bills, defaulted mortgages—plus recognition for the second consecutive year as one of the nation’s most corrupt politicians (by Citizens for Responsibility in Government)—the 37th District congresswoman is still standing.

NUTS
Dana Rohrabacher
Because, you know, he is.

EYES
Carl Kemp
Perennial winner of the award for Lobbyist We’d Most Like to Get Out of This Lobby and Find a Place We Can Be Alone With, Kemp’s piercing green pools set you to swooning while he advances his latest multi-million-dollar, multi-use development. Uhhh, what were we just saying? Dreamy.

MOUTH
Mike Conway
The Public Works director does a lot of jaw-jacking at city council meetings, speaking in mellifluously confident tones about whatever public-private real-estate deal he’s negotiating, but the words coming out of his mouth often sound suspiciously as if spoken by rich political insider Tom Dean. Maybe that’s because before Conway gave away two valuable pieces of city property to Dean, he also gave the guy his personal e-mail address.

LIVER
Michael Shane Ellis
Our partyingest school-board member ever—DUI, hit-and-run, $15,000 bench warrant—Ellis hasn’t been missed since tendering his resignation Aug. 5. He never showed up for meetings, anyway.

MOLE
Robert Garcia
Might be a beauty mark, might be melanoma. Too soon to tell—the First District councilmember has barely been in office five months. Better keep an eye on it.

HEART
Gary DeLong
Oh, the Third District councilmember’s got one, alright, no matter what his cool, calculated indifference to constituents without the right address or economic assets might indicate. No, it hasn’t beaten lately—but that’s just because DeLong is still studying the matter.

SHOULDERS
Long Beach Taxpayers
Aquarium of the Pacific: $8 million a year; Long Beach Museum of Art: $3 million; Measure K school-district bond: $1.2 billion; the Queen Mary: priceless. The pothole in front of your house that takes a year off the lifespan of your car every morning: forget about it.

BOLTS
Jesse James
Hand-milled from an evil block of cursed aluminum purchased down the street at Phillips Steel Co. at the stroke of midnight, we’re guessing these doodads by the West Coast Choppers king would be paid for by the City of Long Beach. Plus, Speed 2 sucked.

BOOBS
Rich Archbold and Harry Saltzgaver
The titular editors of the Press-Telegram and Gazettes, respectively, have such a hard time printing a critical word about any bamboozle promoted by their powerbroker friends in city hall that it kind of makes you wonder if they’re implants.

SPLEEN
Mike Ruehle
May we remind critics of Belmont Shore’s most-outraged activist that extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. Short pants at a city council meeting—that’s a wobbler.

APPENDIX
Tim Grobaty
Totally unnecessary, easily removed and—like the Press-Telegram columnist—it can explode when you least expect it.

HANDS
Tom Dean
It’s all give-and-take with this Naples neighbor of Mayor Bob Foster. He gives a few grand in political contributions—then he takes your public service yard, your wetlands mineral rights, your port-adjacent city land. Oh, and he also pulls the string that runs Mike Conway’s mouth.

Tags: Beverly O'Neill, bob foster, Carl Kemp, dana rohrabacher, gary delong, Harry Saltzgaver, Jesse James, laura richardson, Long Beach, Michael Shane Ellis, Mike Conway, Mike Ruehle, Rich Archbold, Robert Garcia, scariest people, Tim Grobaty, Tom Dean