10 books we didn’t read this year

Attention publishers, self-publishers and everyone else who spots our name on a media distribution list and sends us unsolicited books for review: stop it. Just stop it. We have no use for your 600-page hardcover romance novels, your 250-page screeds on vampirism, your 140-page solution to the Iraq war. No, they’ll just sit here—piled in our offices like forlorn memorials to the trees that died in vain for your debut thriller—until we have no other choice but to judge them by their covers. Like right now:

VICTOR PELEVIN, THE SACRED BOOK OF THE WEREWOLF
A true gem in the world of literature, Pelevin has crafted the sacred book of werewolves, a novel expertly detailing the secret lives of these—by the looks of it—sexless creatures. From their need to excessively stretch their quad muscles, to the excruciatingly long process of grooming their bushy tails, Pelevin packs it all in this darkish blue-green page-turner.

IVAN ELAND, PARTITIONING FOR PEACE: AN EXIT STRATEGY FOR IRAQ
If Steven Spielberg can create a dinosaur park from fossils, then why can’t we use those same fossils to end the war in Iraq? Ivan Eland asks this very question, crafting a unique (to the say the very least) Iraq exit strategy evidently based upon faint fossils of leaves and a strange symbol language that looks like a cross between Hieroglyphics and that Wingdings font.

RACHEL DEWOSKIN, REPEAT AFTER ME: A NOVEL
The novel has its moments, but toward the later section it’s unfocused and ends in a blurry haze. DeWoskin too often focuses on the most minute of details—a crack in the sidewalk, a withering flower—instead of giving the reader a sense of completeness. The language is colorful, but generally limited to only two colors. “Repeat after me”: avoid this book.

ADRIAN COLESBERRY, HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO ADRIAN COLESBERRY
I have never heard of simulated CPR being a form of lovemaking—as it’s depicted here—but if that is how Adrian Colesberry gets down, then more power to him. I do wonder, however, why he is publishing a novel about making love only to people named Adrian Colesberry. There can’t be that many of them out there.

BRIDGET GRAHAM AND MONIQUE REIDY, WORKING WORLD 101: THE NEW GRAD’S GUIDE TO GETTING A JOB
Don’t lose your head! Working World 101 has plenty of tips and tricks to help you survive the real world, or at least as many as there were Dalmatians in the Disney movie.

D.C.A. HILLMAN, PH.D., THE CHEMICAL MUSE: DRUG USE AND THE ROOTS OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION
In his latest text, Hillman believes he has discovered the truth behind the hightened thought process of the Greeks and Romans, smoking out any other ideas to the contrary. Guaranteed to be on the reading lists of schools like Humboldt State, UC Santa Cruz and UC Berkeley, The Chemical Muse aims for intellectually deep but is for the most part forgettable. The upside? Hillman and his publisher worked with a special ink to print the book, allowing the pages to be used as rolling papers.

ERIC NUZUM, THE DEAD TRAVEL FAST: STALKING VAMPIRES FROM NOSFERATU TO COUNT CHOCULA
A relatively dark work, Nuzum has crafted a book you can really sink your teeth in to, provided they are sharp enough to pierce the initial thickness of the book’s opening. After that, The Dead Travel Fast is an engrossing book, leaving you sleepless with bloodshot eyes until you reach its eventual bloody conclusion, which, yes, will leave you thirsty for more.

JACQUELINE CAREY, NAAMAH’S KISS
Love, lust, dragons and strange, twig-inspired golden hairpins make up what is a cold and teasing novel from Jacqueline Carey. Though mostly solid throughout, the novel takes an odd twist with the introduction of the elfin race the main character belongs to (judging by her oddly-shaped ears and aged hands). Unfortunately, it is a twist that Carey can’t pull her heavy text out from under.

JULIE CHRYSTYN, THE SECRET TO LIFE TRANSFORMATION: HOW TO CLAIM YOUR DESTINY NOW!
Life transformation is made black and white with this book! Chrystyn teaches that through creepy staring, excessive use of hair spray and employing the help of others with vaguely familiar names, that you, too, can be successful! Don’t forget your Photoshopped picture!

MIXERMAN, THE DAILY ADVENTURES OF MIXERMAN
The Daily Adventures of Mixerman is a perfectly-mixed novel, with just the right doses of right and wrong. The novel is pretty cut and dry, black and white, with very few shades of grey, but the two differing sides are balanced in such an expertly crafted way, the novel is nearly perfect.

Tags: adrian colesberry, Books, life transformation, mixerman, naamah's kiss, partitioning for peace, repeat after me, the chemical muse, the dead travel fast, the sacred werewolf, working world 101