Features

ASK A PIG!

The District WeeklyWed. May 06
 

Special Swine Flu Edition


ILLUSTRATION by LUKE MCGARRY

Dear pig: Over the weekend, my ex-boyfriend popped a few too many High Lifes and drunk-texted me. He wants to get back together. But here’s the thing: He eats meat—like, would chug bacon fat if he could—and I’m vegan. I love him (Lost hasn’t been the same) but in light of all this madness, I’m concerned for my health. Can vegans catch swine flu from meat-lovers? Is there any protection we can use?
Vegetable Adoring Gardener

Dear VAG:
I’m no expert on this, but according to Wikipedia, it seems that once your boyfriend brings me home from the grocery store, all he needs to do is cook me “properly.” If he resists pigging out—sorry, snort—on my raw insides, you should be fine. Also, two words: Ribbed and lubricated.

Dear pig: You swine are all the same. You’re lazy, you roll around in the mud and you’re so fat I swear your bellies all touch the ground. (No wonder you’re so cheap.) Now, you’ve gone after our wives and children. Can’t you leave us alone? What gives, pig?
Perpetually Going for Carnal Knowledge

Dear PGFCK:
Fat, of course. Messy, maybe. But we must not be that lazy—it takes a lot of energy to bag your women. And don’t think we’re sparing you, hombre—I have an uncle who’d love to meet you.

Dear pig: What’s the deal with restaurants using logos of animals happily eating themselves? I don’t want to see a pig chowing on its own ribs.
Curious About Barbecued Animal Logos

Dear CABAL:
Thanks for the concern, but this is actually something that I’d like to see at every restaurant. The pork lobby can film all the commercials it wants about “the other white meat”—bite it, dolphin—but nothing is quite as powerful as a fat, sweaty hog so aware of its own deliciousness that it can’t help but carve itself up. In fact, I’m eating myself right now.

PIG@THEDISTRICTWEEKLY.COM

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  • The Pig
    Just two word for you, Jorge: NOT COOL you not getting the satirical connection with Gustavo Arrellano’s “Ask A Mexican” column, and by the way did you know that column originated at OC Weekly, where four current members of The District staff used to work and where former District publisher Will Swaim came up with the idea for “Ask A Mexican” and where current District senior editor Dave Wielenga sometimes had to edit it? Oink!
  • Gustavo Arellano
    I personally thought Ask a Pig was funny, but to state the history of the column as a way of somehow justifying its publication is mystifying. Oh, and you misspelled my last name, Pig. You'd figure you'd at least learn that about me since, you know, we worked at the Weekly.
  • Jorge
    Just two word for you, PIG: NOT COOL you not getting the ironical connection with Gustavo Arrellano’s post, after all he is the brains behind the real column, the best form of idolizing is by mocking even if Will Swine came up with the idea (So you say)so let me send just one acronym for you LOL.

    Let me tell you a story, once upon a time a well dressed and distinguished Pig came to a restaurant and....
    Waiter- can I take your order,
    Pig- let me have a Feces hamburger
    A what? Reply the waiter,
    Pig- a hamburger made fecal matter,
    Waiter - well..... Mr. Pig.....
    Pig - ok ok just bring me a plate full of shit, but make sure you don't use any anions; it gives me a stinky breath.

    Now quiz time!!!

    Whets the moral of the story?
    a) The fish will be dead by his own mouth
    b) Convictions are more dangerous enemies of the truth than lies.
    c) If you are in to plagiarism make sure you know the last name of the author
    d) All of the above
  • Jorge
    WOW what an honor I have an answer by the pig himself, one might of think the answer from the writer would it be ………. Satirical, edgy, funny, even morbid , NOT…… what a disappointment reading a pathetic attempt to justify his xenophobic tendencies by mentioning why he feels he has the right to trash somebody else’s work, parody of the parody? ??????…. No, not in my book, if anything it is very simple, is called, lack of creativity, I was wondering when did you come with the idea, before or after start printing in wrapping paper? Perhaps I had unrealistic expectations, sincerily I was expecting lot more from the creative department, but after all we all know who you are……… you are a PIG!!!
  • The Pig
    You still say "NOT" ... and think I suffer from a lack of creativity?
  • Jorge
    Just two words for you guys NOT COOL comparing a Mexican to a Pig not cool and it is also incentive and crude (people is dead thanks to this virus) whoever promotes this kind of pseudo journalism from the District is also a moron shame on the District and Shame on LUKE MCGARRY for the illustration, no wonder the article does not have an author for this garbage, by the way did you know the virus originated in California?
  • howardx
    jorge i susggest you familiarize yourself with the "ask a mexican" column in the OC weekly.
  • Jorge
    Well Howardx I know Mr. Gustavo Arellano's column on LA Weekly, I am a fan and weekly reader, my question is, are you trying to tell me that it is an endorsement from his column? Maybe this is a spin off? I don't think so, Satire is a literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit. Do you honestly consider this column having any this attributes? the association is simple the virus is believed to come from Mexico, popular column ask a Mexican mix them you have ask a pig, by association you are comparing Mexicans and Pigs not cool my friend not cool at all, I think is Offensive and Racist Period.
  • howardx
    gustavo posts here occasionally perhaps he will answer you himself.
  • Jorge
    last time I check this magazine is not even on his links www.askamexican.net/
  • howardx
    so?
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