Tues | SEPT 1 Unemployment in these parts is somewhere between 12 and 13 percent, according to the Press-Telegram (and who should know better than the Press-Telegram, where unemployment is somewhere between 50 percent and “Anybody here . . . here . . . here?”). So, it comes as encouraging news that Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk says two local cities are finalists to become the site of a manufacturing plant to build his high-performance electric sports cars. The plant would create more than 1,000 jobs, and word is that Musk has narrowed his choices down to Long Beach and Downey. This has me torn. Downey is the city of my birth, the place where I grew up and learned how to throw a baseball and procure illegal fireworks. Long Beach is where I went to college and spent a good deal of my early professional and married life. I can tell Mr. Elon Musk that he can’t go wrong with either city: Long Beach has a terrific workforce, and a vibrant cultural scene; Downey has a terrific workforce and they repaint the addresses on the curbs every year. Downey had that drinking-water scare a year or so back; Long Beach has water—you just should never go in it or near it or make eye contact with it. Either way, whatever Elon Musk decides, the eventual winners will be those lucky enough to own his Tesla car, a vehicle so bitchen and planet-friendly that owners should expect to rake in more vegan tail than Phish.

Wed | SEPT 2 Assistant City Manager Susan Frick tells the city council that Long Beach will have a lot less money to keep up local beaches and marinas. The money for that comes primarily from the Tidelands Fund, which gets its money from tax revenue from the port and oil sales. As that has dried up, so has the money to pay for lifeguards, beach bathroom maintenance and hazmat teams to hose down anyone with low-enough self-esteem to use a beach bathroom.

Thurs | SEPT 3 It’s official: anyone can have a stalker. This is apparent as a local judge finds a woman guilty of ignoring a restraining order to stay away from KNBC weatherman Fritz Coleman. The woman is named Melanie Patton Renfrew, a 54-year-old geography professor at Harbor College in Wilmington. Renfrew said she is not crazy and she is not stalking or harassing Coleman; that the only reason she has sent thousands of e-mails to Coleman is to get him to change his use of the phrases “onshore” and “offshore” winds. In an interview, she said that she “did what I felt God was calling me to do.” Why is it God only calls people to be assholes? It seems every time I hear someone say God told them to do something, it’s never a selfless act—no, it’s always: God told me to shoot him, to blow that up or to invade Iraq. Renfrew said Coleman has misunderstood the point of her e-mails and that it’s just a crazy coincidence that she ran into him at Knott’s Berry Farm that time, that she really only wants him to use the terms the way she believes is correct. Now, I don’t know whether Coleman is using the terms correctly or not; I rarely watch him, since he shows far less cleavage than other local weather journalists. But I’m not making light of this situation. I had a friend who had a stalker, and they had to hire a security guard where he worked to protect him. The guard was from some Soviet Bloc country where they have few vowels or bars of soap. Talk about your Elon Musk!

Fri | SEPT 4 Men who get vasectomies are heroes and deserving of every accolade and bag of frozen vegetables we can provide.

Sat | SEPT 5 As fires continue to burn around us, just wanted to say a big thank you to the San Francisco Fire Department, which ignored the pleas of the State Office of Emergency Services to send a strike team of five fire trucks and 22 firefighters and instead sent just one. That would be ONE truck, or as many sent by the city of Vallejo, which is currently in bankruptcy court. And that would be the SFFD giving the people of Southern California the big SFFU.

Sun | SEPT 6 Still basking in the glow of college football.

Mon | SEPT 7 On this day when we celebrate the incredible dedication and, to a lesser extent, horniness of the American worker, I can’t help but think about the possibility of Tesla Motors bringing 1,000 jobs to the area. I just want to say to Elon Musk that whatever you decide, Downey or Long Beach, you’ll be doing a good thing and I trust you’ll do the right thing, since you seem like a wise and forward-thinking man who clearly has a great porn name.

Tags: College football, Elon Musk, Long Beach, susan frick, Tesla Motors, unemployment, vasectomies