This Week: Skipper: She-Wolf of the SS

Tues | JULY 15 An audit by LA Controller Laura Chick reveals that Los Angeles is so poorly prepared for large-scale disaster response that it may already have been destroyed, which, officials added, could have contributed to a record low-voter turnout. “I do not want the public to be afraid,” said Chick, snapping a final shell into her shotgun at a press conference last week. “But I want the public to know that the city of Los Angeles is not as well-prepared for a widespread disaster as we need to be and as we can be.” Officials admitted to the Times that LA’s 2006 ranking near the top of the best-prepared cities was “more a reflection of widespread lack of preparation by most other cities,” none of which were eligible for more recent surveys due to being burned up or underwater. The audit discovered over half of the city’s departmental emergency plans were out of date, including one that hadn’t been revised since 1993 and an entire dossier detailing the threat from Japanese seaplanes. LA remains at high risk of terrorist attack, as well as earthquake, wildfire, tsunami and flu pandemic, Chick said, but noted that she was “completely confident” in the city’s ability to cope with stampede, snowstorm or volcanic eruption, as long as it didn’t happen during rush hour.

Wed | JULY 16 The release of a new collectible Barbie based on racy DC comics heroine Black Canary—equipped with fishnets, leathers, black boots and a particularly contemptuous expression—is met with righteous rage by protest groups who describe the doll as “S&M Barbie” and question Mattel’s commitment to its traditional mission of conditioning young girls to be passive sex objects. At press time, the doll was still slated for a September release, and a Mattel spokesperson confirmed that the Christmas introduction of Skipper: She-Wolf of the SS would proceed as planned. In related protest news, congress denies the federal funding necessary to examine tearing down the breakwater, despite spirited inaction from Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-What Beach?) and a recent sewage spill along Alamitos Beach that took so long to disperse police had to use tear gas. Though the $100,000 the city already approved to fund a breakwater-removal was non-refundable, Rep. Rohrabacher said Long Beach could come over and use his pool in Huntingtion Beach sometime if it promised to clean up after itself.  

Thurs | JULY 17 It took a few months, but Lakewood’s most monstrous power pole will finally be removed. The inappropriately gigantic power pole—which replaced a standard wooden power pole under a dubious Edison “like-for-like” policy that also allowed the company to replace a dozen meter readers with strippers riding jet skis—aroused the ire of residents and reporters because of its large size, unabashedly industrial appearance and tendency to electrocute nearby birds for sheer pleasure. Although Edison spokesdrones told the Press-Telegram in April that removal was “not an option buzz-click,” popular pressure and a succession of exorcists cracked the pole’s control over the city. Edison told the P-T they were “pleased with the outcome,” and planned to replace the pole with something “unusual.” And then its representatives disappeared in a cloud of acrid smoke. 

Fri | JULY 18 California could see as many as a million foreclosures by the end of the year, pending a continued economic downturn and the construction of thousands more trendy live/work lofts in time for their owners to default by January. State officials assured the public they have contingency plans in place, including a repo-one-get-one free program for surviving banks, dispensing tax credits for arson, and introducing an above-ground nuclear-test program in the Inland Empire. In related news, Witness L.A. discovers that California spends an estimated $250,000 per offender in the juvenile justice system, which includes an education budget that could cover a Harvard diploma and medical care totaling out to $1,000 per week. Although no similar resources are available for social assistance programs, the California Department of Corrections confirmed that once they’d lost their homes, citizens would find it much easier to get arrested. 

Sat | JULY 19 Stay home. 

Sun | JULY 20 Still. 

Mon | JULY 21 Long Beach is already weighing a half-billion infrastructure improvement proposal—much of which will go to repairing the damage currently being done to Seventh Street—and a $1.2 billion school bond. Now a special report by the Los Angeles County Economic Development Corporation indicates that the only way the city can stay out of what the P-T calls a “deep recession” is by focusing its economy on the port and military aviation, and developing an international tourism industry around such world-famous local attractions as the Queen Mary, the Queen Mary and the Queen Mary, each of which recently lost $8 million. Although 400,000 visitors pass through the city each year, only 25 percent stay in local hotels, possibly indicating the other 75 percent can’t justify even a full day in a city that’s torn down almost every reason anyone would want to visit, or possibly indicating that they simply prefer to buy their crack elsewhere. In related news, the report recommends against the construction of new lofts and condos, even though 5,000 units (according to the P-T) have already been built and where hundreds more are under construction downtown. “Downtown LA and Long Beach may have a [glut] of these units, and if they find they can’t sell them, it spells trouble,” economist Nancy Sidhu told the P-T. In unrelated news, Acres of Books begins its final sale before it will be bulldozed and replaced with vacant condos. 

Tags: acres of books, development, live/work lofts, Long Beach, power pole, she wolf of the ss, Vector Control