Why does your paper stink . . . I can totally sympathize with the puking robot . . . Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . The problem could be easily solved if we just ate the dogs and cats . . . Let’s solve some problems . . . I would say the skull painting would have equal significance in London as in California . . . I’m not sure pink sums up London . . . I realize it is popular to be a self-hating Jew . . . I would say gray sums up London . . . The barn is not on fire, as far as the wetlands are concerned . . . I oppose the home improvement center project, though I’ll admit I’d love to have such a conveniently located place to purchase caulk . . . David Foster Wallace hanged himself. Deal with it . . . Garcia is a great guy, and you’re right, he does maintain a very solid haircut . . . I didn’t know chickens had the right to marry . . . Worst Long Beach thing No. 11: Deranged Segway-riding “city guides” that ride around all hours, harassing women and poor people . . . I didn’t know queers were crammed into cages on factory farms . . . My favorite sign was a dig at the Mormons: “Two Moms Are Better Than Six” . . . Don’t you guys have anything better to do than attack people in our city . . . Garden Gestapo . . . I am sleeping with the lights on. You scared me . . . There was no religion or juju involved . . . Tear down the g**d***ed breakwater via federal/city/state cooperation, and, I guess, dynamite . . . An upgraded 98 Cent store a block away won’t compensate for this travesty . . . What is the real motivation for this crusade? . . . Or maybe we don’t . . . I remember sitting in meetings with the Visioning Committee . . . Don’t let the city suits with their neat-o ideas show up now to fuck it all up for you . . . I was recently beaten up, knocked down and thrown out of the ring . . . Thank you, I needed a good slap in the face . . . Let Belmont Shore return to being the happy community it was before you started playing your silly games . . . I wanted to say, “Did you know some of these shops have been around longer than your face-lift? . . . Jack shit . . . If you’re really trying to figure out why Pine sucks, start there . . . I must share this with my lovely wife, a kickboxer . . . This is a farce . . . I don’t even live in Gary DeWrong’s Third District (I reside in Suja Lowen-fraud’s Second District) . . . It made us all very proud. And hungry . . . You gotta admire Hankla’s chutzpah . . . this looks, and smells, like a modus operandi . . . This is the best, funniest and most absurd piece of reporting . . . I am an avid gardener and companion to one of the “Nazis” . . . This “evil” board was just re-elected by the gardeners . . . I have been interviewed many times in my career, but never by someone in flip-flops . . . LBCGA is for people who actually want to put in the time to grow vegetables; those who want flowers, weeds and garden gnomes can surely find a less stringent organization . . . These people need to get a life; it’s just vegetables . . . We are truly pathetic . . . Moronic . . . Long Beach has an ocean attached to it. Kind of . . . He clearly has a great talent for writing and affecting pretty girls like me . . . I can still hear grandma saying, “cervaaaaza” . . . I’ve heard enough bullshit now . . . Yo, Saturday is going to be Ludacris . . . Stop these scummy thieves before we have nothing left . . . I go back and forth on this one . . . It’s a giant poop stain . . . Why not have a floating library on the Queen Mary? . . . Busted with both hands on the teats! . . . Your brilliant staff of punsters are all on vacation? . . . Chris Ziegler writes, “At press time, the doll was still slated for a September release, and a Mattel spokesperson confirmed that the Christmas introduction of Skipper: She-Wolf of the SS would proceed as planned.” Hmmm, seems like a “Klaus Barbie”
. . . It was ramshackle and loosely organized, and run by two old ladies . . . I was stunned at the high quality of journalism exhibited in the first issue I read of your paper . . . You can tell these people really like that turtle . . . Hee hee. Ludacris Saturday . . . I had a friend who lost a cat, and she got a pet detective to come out with a trained dog, and they hunted it down by scent. It is worth a try . . . Mankind has a hard time making enlightenment, just as this turtle would have a hard time making it up this tree . . . It was very tasty . . . Luxury condos, my ass . . . Crosses and swastikas have always been rock icons, but that doesn’t mean the people who used them were right-wing . . . “New hip vibe” sounds like something Starsky would say to Hutch . . . Stupid me . . . I’d personally snipe each and every one of ’em . . . Herbs are kicking ass . . . Just look at that yummy, juicy pupusa . . . I love robots . . . He’s like the bouncer at the club who won’t let you in because you remind him of that guy in high school who stole his girlfriend . . . I’ve become more and more nauseous myself . . . Bikes don’t poop . . . How dare you be such a kind, forgiving human being. Who do you think you are? Jesus? Do you fish . . . Oy vey, oi, oi vey . . . You have been terribly annoying for years . . . Like winding up a retarded Janeane Garafalo doll and watching it rant in a corner . . . Nice job making the residents look like such ridiculous idiots . . . Raising a positive awareness of squirrels and opossums . . . Chief Anthony Batts’ head looks like an unpainted Easter egg . . . Hey, what about me . . . I think it is fabulous that Long Beach has found a Phillip Seymour Hoffman look-alike with three kidneys and two pancreases even remotely attractive . . . Long Beach, I miss you, and we will be back . . . I love cupcakes . . . You have made this ex-diabetic proud . . . I also love comedy mustaches . . . I saw you singing along to “Fat Bottomed Girls” . . . And what a wonderful parking lot it will be . . . I don’t know if “Gidget” or “Moon Doggy” will use the beach, but “Lil Killer” and “Mad Dog” will . . . I would sooner die than let those clowns treat me ever again . . . Man, there is nothing worse than sleazy bottom-line business tactics to force people to work for less, while the people at the top sit on their sun deck, scratching their balls and enjoying a cup of International Delight . . . You’re stretching it referring to the P-T as a “newspaper” . . . Stevie Wonder could see the writing on the wall at the Press-Telegram . . . This will give new meaning to being “piss drunk, pissed-off and pissed-on” . . . Every day is Ludacris Saturday to me . . . My universe has been broadened . . . I learned a valuable lesson: Don’t type up letters from your Sidekick 3 . . . I know you guys can’t help it, but PEE-EWWW.