Got a crappy gift? Return it and buy local

ILLUSTRATION by LUKE MCGARRY

Face it: We can e-mail “gift suggestions” to relatives and loved ones until we’re sufficiently convinced the message—no more paperweights from the Getty Museum, please!—has been received, but we’ll still wind up with one or two lousy gifts that will make us re-enact, once again, that silly routine where our eyes grow huge and our voices rise to levels heard only in the presence of presents and we act all surprised and say something like, “Oh! Oh. Oh wow. Oh, I would have never thought to ask for this!” So this year, instead of coming home and tossing that unopened Hallmark commemorative ornament in the drawer where we hide all the other crap we don’t ever enjoy looking at, let’s just return it. Yes! Return it for cash—and that Dark Knight DVD; there’s already an illegally downloaded copy on the iPod—and then help our business-owning brothers and sisters get through the post-holiday come down by buying something locally. Below, in our first-ever Returned Gift Guide, are a few suggestions. Like the good woman from the north says: Thanks, but no thanks!

APIANA
Lawns are wrong; we all know that now. They destroy countless acres of habitat for animals, birds and bugs, and they suck up unfathomable acre-feet of water we could otherwise be using as a cure for . . . well . . . thirst. But what’s the correct way to replace our lawns with a garden of native, drought-tolerant, bird-and-butterfly attracting plants? Honestly, we don’t know. But Brady Redman does, and he just started a landscaping and consulting company—Apiana, named after one of the most spectacular and fragrant sage plants in the California palette—to help you roll up that green carpet and pick and place the plants to replace it. Redman combines his master’s in fine arts with his work as a native habitat restoration technician in Rancho Palos Verdes, as well as a basic desire for Southern California not to look like a golf course . . . or, more to the point, a graveyard. 635 Euclid Ave, Long Beach 90814. 562.225.7398; apiananativescaper.com.

AQUARIUM OF THE PACIFIC
Help Long Beach’s 10-year-old tourist attraction/research facility/school-field-trip destination make its annual $3.528 million payment on its loan from the city, but give yourself a break—saving time and $5 off adult admission—by purchasing your tickets online. You’ll love the more than 500 species in 19 major habitats and 32 focus exhibits, which take visitors on a journey throughout the Pacific Ocean’s three regions: Southern California/Baja, the Tropical Pacific and the Northern Pacific. Us? We go for the chow at Café Scuba—the most ironic seafood-eating experience in Long Beach. Beyond the obvious conflict of eating the unlucky relatives of the creatures in the tanks, the café has a view of the seal and sea lion exhibit—where once-wild animals debase themselves doing tricks for morsels of food. Meanwhile, you choose from a menu of specials like sustainable clam chowder (made with farmed clams), fish tacos, fish and chips (of Pacific cod), and a tuna sandwich (troll-caught albacore). Don’t like your albacore caught by trolls? Swing by the store on the way home. Friskies makes a great ocean whitefish and tuna pâté. 100 Aquarium Way, Long Beach 90802. 562.590.3100; aquariumofpacific.org.

BAGATELLE RECORDS
Digital distribution might be the format of the future, but iTunes isn’t ready to double its dominance just yet—there’s still plenty of people out there looking for a more physical musical experience. And for that, trade in your big-box discs and haunt Bagatelle Records instead. The place is one of the best vinyl resources around, boasting boxes packed with records reaching out for repeat listens and maybe even re-pressings. You can think of shopping at Bagatelle as an eco-friendly alternative to the usual plasticized CD purchases—not only will you dig up all sorts of aural finds, but you’ll save those stacks of wax from ending up in less-caring hands, too. 260 Atlantic Ave, Long Beach 90802. 562.432.7534.

THE BEACH ON 2ND STREET
Our next-proudest moment at Cal State Long Beach was the day we graduated—second only to the day a girl said hello to us on the hill—but then, we’ve never been the type to buy the class ring, the license plate frame or ever say too much about having attended Cal State Long Beach. (Except now.) We’re crazy. You should be proud of your alma mater, and the Beach on 2nd Street is rife with a plethora of cozy warm hoodies, crewneck sweatshirts and other wearables—all bearing the type of language that will keep you true to your school. 5308-A E Second St, Long Beach 90803. 562.433.7676; csulb.edu/aux/49ershops/Stores/The_Beach_On_2nd_Street/.

BIKE BURRITO
What with the opening of Long Beach Fixed Gear and bicycling in general experiencing a welcome boost in popularity (please, people, stay out of your cars) now is a good time to invest in a Bike Burrito. Developed by Long Beach’s very own bicycling photographer (and District contributor) Russ Roca and Jayme Lynn Bassett (she of the super-cute wares available on mycatsfancypants.blogspot.com), the Bike Burrito is essentially a pencil holder for your bike tools. Available in three sizes—tamale, regular and grande; the larger two can accommodate a spare tire tube—the “tool roll” folds up and can be strapped beneath your seat for easy access and at-the-ready repairs. Doesn’t hurt that the burritos are available in super nice-looking prints! Not suitable for eating. bikeburrito.com.

BLUE WINDOWS
Need a last-minute stocking stuffer for the girl in your life who always seems to be thumbing through ReadyMade and Domino? Hit up Blue Windows for its cast iron bird-shaped bottle opener which, at just $8, seems a ridiculous deal. The best part? It’s a twofer: the tail of the bird is your standard beer bottle opener, while the belly fits over screw-top caps. No more tears. 5276 E Second St, Long Beach 90803. 562.434.7195.

BULLSEYE SPORT
They don’t seem to advertise much—which further endears them to us—but if all the mainstream gun marts leave you colder than a moose in Palin country, check out Bullseye. The local independent source for everything from a FAL Tactical Quad-Rail to a Galil Tactical Quad-Rail (huge difference), plus stuff we understand, like the very necessary “shooting supplies,” Bullseye is every bit as noncorporate as . . . well, dressing your dinner. 562.547.6562; bullseyesport.com.

CITY OF LONG BEACH LIEN SALES AUCTION
When no one gives you a car this Christmas, try city lien sales. Last time we went, sales were still on Tuesdays—to weed out the amateurs—and exactly as ceremonial as we expected. We were outbid buying back our friend John’s Vespa, but the morning wasn’t a total loss, considering the stock included a ’68 Dodge Charger (General Lee) and a burned-out early Porsche Targa 911. Free entertainment and no sandals—per the dress code. That’s a good thing, unless you admire men’s feet. 3111 E Willow St, Long Beach 90806. 562.570.2832; longbeachgov.civicasoft.com/pw/towing/auction.asp. Arrive by 9 a.m. Saturdays.

COUCH GUITAR STRAPS
Your forgetful catalogue-loving great grandmother (bless her heart) knows you play, but thinks you’re due for an upgrade. She goes all out this year and buys you—brace yourself—a guitar in a box. Plan of action: Implement the three Rs! Rejoice that she always includes the gift receipt. Return this P.O.S. manufactured-in-China jam pack to your local Sears, and Reclaim your dignity with a click on the Couch Web site. Couch owner (and New Fidelity guitarist and singer) Dan Perkins has every vegan, handmade guitar strap style you’ve ever wanted, an entire line of handmade belts and the musical know-how to keep you in tune. 562.595.6965; couchguitarstraps.com.

COURTNEYOQUIST.ETSY.COM
Longtime Long Beach resident Courtney Oquist—and full disclosure, friend of the District family since her days as a fact-checker at OC Weekly; hers was the red-headed painted lady on our cover not too long ago—recently departed our city to seek her MFA at UC Riverside, so she’s not technically local. But her cute pastel prints of (mostly sad) women, birds, trees and landscapes remain worth your dollars. Peruse her Web site or etsy shop for art that will leave visitors talking far longer than if you held on to that Big Lots wall sconce your aunt gifted you. courtneyoquist.com, courtneyoquist.etsy.com.

DDR PROJECTS
You know you’re in the right art gallery when the owner uses the words “Amsterdam” and “Hells Angels” in the same sentence. But DDR Project’s John Geldbach is just describing the origins of two limited-edition pieces by Delft artist Charles Krafft, who learned the centuries-old porcelaining process from . . . wait for it . . . a Hells Angel in Amsterdam. Here, for sale at DDR, he delivers two sinister packages: your choice of a China six-shooter emblazoned with a quote attributed to Heinrich Himmler or what appears to be a Beretta automatic with a shimmery Jesus on the grip. It’s a slippery slope from Delft-ing to, say, cross-stitching or scrapbooking—but we trust the Angels and Krafft to maintain their traction. 3403 E Broadway, Long Beach 90803. 562.434.8480; ddrprojects.com.

FERN’S GARDEN
Why do distant relatives insist on giving you bath-and-body sets that smell like janitor closets and melted crayons? Every year, when you get one of these lotion totes, not one item makes it out of the cellophane, for fear of an allergic reaction. So this year, when you unwrap the basket of baddies, return JCPenney’s asphyxiation collection for something you want: American artisan works and fair trade, handmade goods sold exclusively at Fern’s Garden. After you’ve lavished yourself with natural sweet-smelling Burt’s Bees products, you can buy yourself that coveted wind chime or hand-blown glass wall-hanging you already bought your distant relative. 5308-B E Second St, Long Beach 90803. 562.434.6425; fernsgarden.com.

FISHERMAN’S HARDWARE
Where to start? The name says it all: Fisherman’s Hardware. They don’t sell radio-controlled cars or Colt 1911 knockoffs—or even dynamite, despite the fact that you can fish with it. This store—headquartered next to Joe Jost’s for easy access to whatever replaced a schooner of Pabst—only sells fishing accessories, in a rustic atmosphere of plank floors, high ceilings and, naturally, a stuffed fish or two. Dig in. 2801 E Anaheim St, Long Beach 90804. 562.434.8311.

THE FOUND THEATRE & THE GARAGE THEATRE
We think it’s a damn shame that when the rich lose money, often the first thing to go is their patronage of the ahts. So, really, these two theaters are just the start of a long list of local art establishments (Long Beach Shakespeare Company, MoLAA, LBMA, University Players, Musical Theatre West, to name a few) that cold seriously use your dollars going into 2009. Dad get you a DVD you’ll probably watch once and never again? Return it, and for $20 you can get yourself a gift certificate to the Found for discounted tickets to a show. Or throw in a little bit more cash of your own and for $35 score a season subscription to the Garage, which includes admission to six shows, 10 free drinks, a free friend ticket and, yes, “hugs and kisses from all the company members.” Have you hugged an actor lately? foundtheatre.com, thegaragetheatre.org.

FROSTED CUPCAKERY
There’s never been a question about Frosted Cupcakery’s quality—spongy cupcakes filling enough to demand a whole dessert’s worth of attention—but the shop always suffered a bit from its off-Second Street location. Now, however, the cupcakery is out in the open, baking its way into a new Second Street space that better houses Frosted’s dozen or so everyday flavors (plus a few seasonal ones, too). So, support your sweet tooth and spend a few bucks of your holiday cash (a single cupcake is $2.95) on this convenient treat. 4817 E Second St, Long Beach 90803. 562.987.1080; frostedcupcakery.com.

HISTORICAL SOCIETY OF LONG BEACH
HSLB is good for gifts year round, but if you’re in need of sending thank you notes for all the gifts you ended up returning, consider a set of vintage postcard reproductions (12 for $10) and while you’re at it toss in a walking guide to historic downtown Long Beach or a poster-sized 1925 map of downtown (both just $1!). 4260 Atlantic Ave, Long Beach 90807. 562.424.2220; hslb.org.

KREME DE LA KREME NAIL LOUNGE
Kreme de la Kreme is ideal for post-holiday pampering. Within its ridiculously charming interior—done up all Victorian style in pinks and browns with crystal chandeliers adorning the ceiling—you can relax in a plush lounge beneath a portrait of Marie Antoinette, nibble on a complimentary cupcake and wash it down with free champagne. Make a day of it with your girlfriends, or bring the kids in for “Le Petite” manicure ($12). If you’re in a hurry, opt for the “Kreme Express” pedicure ($28). But we advise you stay awhile and indulge in the “Kreme Brulee” package ($38-$56). It’s a bit of a splurge, but it’s worth it—at least once. 3423 E Broadway, Long Beach 90803. 562.434.4004.

LA ESPANOLA MEATS
If you want to make your culinary Christmas cash last, invest in an everlasting link of cured meat. The surest source for all things sausage is Harbor City’s La Española, which makes its own excellent Spanish meats. Walk away with a log of chorizo, and you’ll be set, even if you end up eating it within a short span. The meat will find its way into everything: your eggs, your salads, your sandwiches. Or ship some to another state—the shop features mail-order service. Happiness is only a shipped sausage away. 25020 Doble Ave, Harbor City 90710. 310.539.0455; laespanolameats.com.

LONG BEACH DEPOT FOR CREATIVE REUSE
Return the bagfuls of crafting materials and ready-made kits you got from Michael’s and JoAnn’s this holiday season, and give your creativity the credit it deserves: Spend some time, and very little money, at the Long Beach Depot for Creative Reuse. Lisa Hernandez opened the store earlier this year, and her small shop—nestled in a unit on Elm Avenue in the East Village Arts District—boasts overruns, samples, misprints, scraps and discards given to her by nearby manufacturers, as well as items disposed by locals purging their rubbish. This is an overflowing smorgasbord of salvage, only organized, proudly showcased and for sale. And it’s better than craft stores, with their absurdly high prices and prepackaged “creative” projects. In Hernandez’s shop, wine corks are 10 cents each. Stocked in bulk are spools of discarded ribbon and scraps of miscellaneous fabrics. “Let’s just use and reuse what we already have, instead of buying new things,” Hernandez says. Here, you can purchase old gift bags, scrap paper, cardboard cutouts and scrap wood pieces, and reuse them artistically. Colorful old bottle caps are two pennies apiece. Beads, sequins, googly eyes, old vinyl records, pine cones, buttons and empty Altoid tin cans can be purchased with the change in your pocket. And a section marked “Free Exchange” is where Hernandez stocks materials to take as you need—cardboard, Styrofoam, egg cartons and tissue boxes. Give your ingenuity a chance for once. 320 Elm Ave, Long Beach 90802. 562.437.9999; thelongbeachdepot.org.

LUNA
Every remarkable piece of glass, metal or jewelry in this dazzling corner store on Second Street is made in the USA—even the Buddha cats—which means that buying from proprietors Don Dame and Harold Sturgeon is not just buying Long Beach, it’s buying American. But Luna won’t be having an after-Christmas sale. “We never have sales, ever,” says Dame, not sounding snotty at all, just very practical. “Our stuff’s too hard to get.” No returns, either, just exchanges—and not many of those, actually. Says Dame: “We sell gifts people want to keep.” That did sound a little bit snotty. 4928 E Second St, Long Beach 90803. 562.987.4780; lunabelmontshore.com.

MARY KAY
“It’s a new year! Time for a new you at Mary Kay!” chirps Susan Jacobs, consulting neither watch nor calendar, because people who sell makeup can tell time by looking at your face. Actually, it’s a skill we all can improve upon, beginning by considering exactly how long we’ve been applying the very same cosmetics in the very same way to eyes and cheeks and lips that have been changing with the times. “Things have happened in life,” says Jacobs, an independent beauty consultant for Mary Kay, “and you’ve got to update.” If one of the things that happened to what used to be your happy face is the unhappy economy, a makeover can be one of your first steps toward recovery—if not when you look at your 401 (k), then at least when you look in the mirror. Mention The District, and Jacobs will give you a 20 percent discount on a makeover consultation. 562.310.7056; susanjacobs@marykay.com.

{OPEN}
You might be square on books for the winter, but if you can spare returning that pricey coffee table book that will inevitably end up in a stack in the corner, consider taking your cash to {open}, where you can put it toward four or five books you’ll actually read, or, equally helpful, join the bookstore’s “story of {open}” campaign. For $5 you can purchase a 4”x7” thesaurus page (or an 8.5”x11” encyclopedia page for $50) that you can doodle on or just sign your name to. Afterward, it’ll get placed on the wall alongside other purchased pages as part of the store’s “evolving art installation” slash neat fundraiser. 2226 E Fourth St, Long Beach 90814. 562.499.open; thestoryofopen.com.

PICTURE THIS GALLERY
If we wore scarves—which we don’t—we’d definitely purchase one of the locally knitted examples available here. Woven from twinkly yarn spun by nimble-fingered wood-nymphs (an uneducated guess), they shimmer much more brightly than any other scarf we’ve seen for sale in an art gallery. All that wattage will surely keep you warm. Makes us wish we wore scarves. 4130 Norse Way, Long Beach 90808. 562.425.4861.

RETRO STEREO
Retro Stereo entrepreneur John Karras acquires, spearheads the refurbishment of and then passes on—for varying fees—a variety of vintage audio components, all of which are more fun to play with than, say, an Erector Set. (A Ferris wheel? Really?) Karras called us recently to explain how green his lifestyle is—not that we needed much convincing. “You’re talking about things that have great character, are more durable and will last—that don’t have the concept of planned obsolescence to them,” he said. And a glance at what he typically sells will bear this out: all the Magnavoxes, Voice(s) of Music and Zeniths your ears can stand. retrostereo.net.

SEE JANE
Mother gave you another fantastic, somewhat incriminating snapshot of you and your sister from the last family vacation, but it was trapped in one of those hideous Walmart frames, engraved randomly with a hundred stupid synonyms for “Sister”—so bad, you’re ashamed to hang it in your house. Solution: Return the lame frame and go See Jane. Store owner Katie Gibson just ordered stunning, handmade frames fashioned by a Hurricane Katrina survivor. Did I mention they’re crafted from the siding of destroyed homes, and proceeds from the sales go to a Katrina disaster relief fund? Look at you, do-gooder—getting and giving back! 145 Linden Ave, Long Beach 90802. 562.436.9869.

SO-CAL SPEED SHOP
On the days—all three of them—when it’s too cold for that Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirt your rich sister who never knows what to buy you bought for you, visit Long Beach’s new So-Cal Speed Shop location for the Jimmy Shine jacket. Named for So-Cal hot rod builder James Dennis Falschlehner, it’s car coat length and comes in one fabric—leather. On the back is a Keith Weesner-designed chenille patch of the shop logo. The price is steep—$249.95—but just tell ’em Tommy sent you. 1450 Caspian St, Long Beach 90813. 310.991.6128; so-calspeedshop.com.

UNION WAR SURPLUS STORE
Tough times call for tough decisions, but if you can’t figure out what superfluous gifts to sacrifice, San Pedro’s Union War Surplus will make up your mind for you. Jettison that reindeer sweater and stock up on only the essential American artifacts—Levi’s, reclaimed military apparel, weapons. Shop carefully, and you’ll find everything here to get you through even the greatest of depressions. As a bonus, the shop also offers this helpful axiom: “If you need a battleship or a hunting knife, we have it or will get it.” 355 W Sixth St, San Pedro 90731. 310.833.2949; unionwarsurplus.com.

VIA ROLLERSKATES
Can’t quite get behind bikes with no brakes? Make 2009 the year of the rollerskate. Located inside the equally splurge-worthy baby and kid shop Lil’ Devils, Via Rollerskates sells new and vintage rollerskates and accessories. Check the $145 Farrah Fawcett package: customized skates with black or white boots and your choice color of wheels, pompoms, laces and stoppers. The Via ladies will even help put your purchase to good use with monthly night group skates every second Friday. Roll out! 2218 4th St, Long Beach 90814. 267.374.9674; viaderby.com.

VIP RECORDS
Just short of 30 years in—VIP celebrates the Big Three-Oh on Jan. 15—Kelvin Anderson’s shop at MLK and PCH is still the keepin’-it-realest place in Long Beach to nourish your ears with hip-hop and soul. These days, it’s got the blues, too—which is to say, the same problems that are taking down neighborhood music stores all over the country. If you aren’t investing in all the ancient CD and DVD technology anymore, VIP sells souvenir T-shirts and caps commemorating the place that launched Snoop, Warren, Nate, Tray Deee, Daz, Tha Dogg Pound, Domino, the Twinz and alla them who made the Long Beach sound back in the 1990s. Mention The District, and get $2 off anything that isn’t already on sale. 1014 E Pacific Coast Highway, Long Beach 90806. 562.591.2349.

THE WINE COUNTRY
Given the slumping state of our bank accounts, chances are your holidays ended up thoroughly soused. But just because the gift-giving season has passed doesn’t mean you have to kick the habit. And that’s where the Wine Country—Signal Hill’s excellent alcohol warehouse—enters the post-holiday picture. Keep on drinking on by giving yourself the gift of a membership to one of the store’s wine clubs, which range from $25 to $100 and offer handpicked bottles for year-round drinking. 2301 Redondo Ave, Signal Hill 90755. 800.505.5564; thewinecountry.com.

Tags: ddr projects, fern's garden, gifts, historical society of long beach, Long Beach, retro stereo, shopping, the wine country, VIP Records, {open}