Excerpts from your letters ‘07

I’m sorry but this is bullshit journalism . . . Excuses are the tools of the incompetent . . . You have made a major error here . . . It’s easy to beat up on teapots . . . That must be horrible for you . . . These types of articles kill me . . . You write something and now no one else gets to talk about it . . . Please document our weaknesses, take pictures, describe how to attack, and publish it for the world to see . . . Are you new at this . . . They’re like how-to lists for the terrorists . . . Hey, Detroit has football and casinos and they’re doing swell . . . Rebecca Schoenkopf’s caustic culinary comments aside . . . I am disgusted at the utter disrespect . . . Hey, who deserves to get drunk more than someone who had to endure all of that hardship . . . a few observations: First, it’s Sponge Bob on fire, not Elmo . . . It would be nice if the Chamber actually tried to stir up a little commerce instead of mucking about in Long Beach’s “Hooterville”-style political intrigues . . . That’s because it’s all about them, the liberal left . . . Long ago I decided that the Long Beach Museum was the most boring museum in America . . . What do I know? I once painted my bathroom ceiling lavender . . . If they live in Long Beach and this is what offends them, they must walk and drive with their eyes closed . . . He states that Pabst is cheap and solely for getting fucked up. Get out! . . . The sad thing is if you find the woman who ripped you off, what can you do . . . Anyone for a little Charles Bronson . . . What planet is this guy from . . . Pabst is not an organic microbrew from Oregon, but let’s continue the celebration of a beer of great value . . . Hmmmmm, always easier to get quotes from sore losers . . . And what’s with the rudeness . . . It is so embarrassing what our world has become . . . That is SAD! . . . Thank you, thank you, thank you . . . When is Amanda Bynes gonna stop doing these stupid kiddie, “boy of my dreams,” flicks and start taking her clothes off . . . I am finding the sexism published in your paper offensive . . . Thunderpussy! Thunderpussy! Thunderpussy! . . . Glad you were saved from the robes of molestation . . . We even get to throw a little homophobia in there . . . I’ve spent some time advocating your paper to friends, but I can’t say I will any further . . . Judging from their behaviors there is clearly drinking and drug taking going on . . . They are much cheaper, foul tasting, and don’t boast any awards involving a blue ribbon . . . All that misery had congealed to create a Nietzschean mulch that burst forth with elation . . . It’s like some whittled down piece of friggin’ meteor landed on the side of the street . . . This whole thing is really weird . . . Absolutely mental . . . Do we need to put warning labels on dollar bills . . . Wow! . . . It’s amazing that you can pass this off as a movie review . . . I don’t need to hear your problems with Idiot Earth . . . Life is now. Pabst is now . . . Just don’t piss me off . . . Our beach sucks . . . Dang, while I understand their concern, get over it already . . . Can you please, for the sake of Bruce Willis, give people a break . . . I don’t want to feel like a jerk for wanting to see a huge explosion . . . Here’s to Notre Dame winning out! (A fella can dream right?) . . . God help us, here we go again . . . I thought I was hallucinating . . . Just suck it up and have another beer, will ya . . . Lowery is always so full of bile. He’s kind of like Andy Rooney minus the eyebrows and sex appeal . . . I didn’t want to write this letter, they made me do it . . . Finally, someone has made the correlation between George Bush and James Garfield . . . You better hope your writer isn’t wrong . . . How out of touch with today’s society do you have to be . . . If you have never gotten a chick pregnant on accident, perhaps you will learn something . . . Anyone who is against these things is against capitalism and the American Way . . . I really hate it when people use big words . . . The only thing I have to say is pook Pook . . . Long Beach sucks, and rocks, and that’s weird . . . I hope someone baked you all a cake . . . Wow! What a poorly written article . . . I was wondering how long it would take for  you guys to write what thousands of us have been waiting to read . . . Thunderpussy is always enough . . . Do you guys think you copyrighted English? . . . I drink two Pabst before I drink two Pabst, and then I drink two more . . . See what nursing a beer for too long will do to you . . . Are you new at this . . . Wow, you are so wrought with rock crit angst that you don’t know where to focus your laser beam next . . . Far be it from me to keep you up past your bedtime . . . I applaud your muckraking . . . Fan me to keep my mane of chest pubes a little less sweaty . . . I’m tired of the manipulation . . . I do NOT appreciate the ugly lie that it’s either say thank you or be a jerk . . . To tear down to make room for art seems, I dunno, retarded . . . I would like to say how much I have enjoyed your publication up until Steve Lowery used it to voice his subjective hatred of bicyclists . . . SHAME SHAME SHAME . . . I am appalled by Steve Lowery’s statements regarding bicyclists . . . I have to say I was a bit mortified by Steve Lowery’s comments regarding cyclists . . . There’s a group of cyclists complete with spandex outfits. They especially enjoyed your comparison of their outfits to the outfits of the homosexual population . . . Once the Hover Monkey is developed, we’ll shoot one back to you . . . I think our cheapness is showing . . . Dude, I’m all for an NFL stadium, as long as they promise to host a Monster Truck rally at least twice a year . . . Just another one putting the “con” in Congress . . . Everyone wins . . . It feels like I am back home again, except without the snow and the endless parade of drunken Kennedys . . . It’s an issue of money-hungry moochers . . . It’s the best! (And so are you, awwwwww) . . . And yes, I did drink a few PBR tallboys before I wrote this.

Tags: bad journalism, detroit, Letters, Long Beach, thunderpussy