This Week: Come With Me If You Want To Live

Tues | JUNE 17 The city council approves a $100,000 breakwater reconnaissance study that will detail the possible demolition of the nation’s largest anti-submarine toilet bowl, which could still factor into national defense if Al Qaeda ever time-travels a Duffy boat back to 1946. The approval is the first step toward Congress refusing the $30,000 federal appropriation that is necessary for the Army Corps of Engineers to refuse to review the study anyway. Councilwoman Gerrie Schipske echoes vocal members of Long Beach’s sea lion community in suggesting caution, however, noting (as reported on LBReport.com) that Long Beach’s surf quality most precipitously declined with the construction of Pier J by the Port of Long Beach, which currently owns and operates two-thirds of the Long Beach City Council. Contacted at press time, the breakwater responded: “I will bury you.”

Wed | JUNE 18 Gov. Schwarzen-egger states his opposition to new oil drilling off the California coastline, countering President Bush’s plan to remove federal protections covering various national sites and leave them as unprotected as the rest of the country, much of which is currently fighting a losing battle against standing water. (Again.) Plenty of controversy has already been generated by Bush’s proposal to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, home of the endangered sooty tern and premium-unleaded booby as well as enough oil to lower the price of gasoline by 10 cents for 10 minutes later this summer. Schwarzenegger bucked Republican doctrine with his declaration, however, in which he called California’s coastline an “international treasure” and advised it to “come with me if you want to live.”

Thurs | JUNE 19 Your clothes—give them to me.

Fri | JUNE 20 The P-T reports California’s jobless rate is the fourth-worst in the nation, behind Michigan, Rhode Island and Alaska, where residents are so desperate they’re crossing into Canada in search of work. During the month of May, hundreds of thousands of Californians were displaced from positions in the “construction, manufacturing, financial activities, professional and business services, leisure and hospitality, and trade, transportation and utilities” sectors, although the repo sector posted mildly encouraging growth. In response, Schwarzenegger proposes a stimulus plan that will retrain construction workers to tear down all the still-unsold houses they built last year. In related news, more and more Angelenos are living in their cars, many of which actually appraise at higher values than their homes, and some of which are still capable of making it to Canada.

Sat | JUNE 21 Happy birthday to the Aquarium of the Pacific, which today celebrates 10 years of not being the building downtown with whales painted all over it, and which still serves the freshest seafood in town at its Café Scuba. In an anniversary salute, the Times explains that the Aquarium started life as the anchor of a “waterfront retail and amusement complex,” later replaced by the Pike, and now offers visitors the last location on the California coast to observe native sea life as it was before the introduction of raw sewage. In related wildlife news, hell heat brings hell brawls in Huntington Beach when traffic stops on Pacific Coast Highway during a full-on fistfight between three men in a white Chevy Camaro—t-top status unknown at press time—and various slow-moving pedestrian passersby, including two people who told The Register they “just wanted to go swimming” and one female juvenile who asked police why daddy’s nose wouldn’t stop crying. City officials confirmed that summer has now officially begun.

Sun | JUNE 22 Long Beach fails its piss test as a new technique that examines municipal waste for traces of illegal drugs finds that every sewage treatment plant in Los Angeles County tests positive for cocaine, especially if it’s late on a Saturday night. Although Long Beach tied Valencia for the lowest overall cocaine presence—1.4 parts-per-billion, which has a current estimated street value of $6 to $8 along certain segments of Pacific Coast Highway—city officials acknowledge the problem and promise to institute a clean-up program limiting future cocaine use to parties and other social occasions—and only then if it’s offered to them. The highest percentages were found in the cities of Palmdale and Lancaster, which responded by forming a joint fact-finding commission to discover when exactly all the other cities stopped being cool. In related coolness, beer-toting Malibu surfers attack and rout a cluster of paparazzi attempting to photograph Matthew McConaughey, who must lay his eggs undisturbed lest he become startled and injure his delicate ovipositor. One cameraman was dunked in the ocean and the others fled after being confronted with basic ideas about privacy and dignity.

Mon | JUNE 23 A Catalina kayaker has a close call after she mistakes a shark for a whale, which would never have happened if she’d only made a trip to the Aquarium of the Pacific.

Tags: Aquarium of the Pacific, Arnold Scharzenegger, Long Beach, matthew mcconaughey, offshore drilling, Port of Long Beach